AIBU to feel upset by my mother-in-law's message about visits?

[Mamibaba]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we moved into our house 3.5 years ago, I invited mother in law over to see the house that first summer she never showed and when I saw her months later she said she had decided to wait until house was finished to see it. After that I only saw her once a year at weddings etc. Last year I became pregnant and did not see her throughout the pregnancy. She came over to see the baby and I have since been taking the baby to her house every 6 weeks or so. Baby is now 11 months old and partner has never taken the baby to his mother’s house and has not seen his mother for over 8 months. Last week she asked me and the baby over on the Friday and I said no as we already had plans and would come over another day. She has since text my partner saying ‘ I want to know the baby but finding it difficult as everytime I try I’m not allowed’ am I right to be angry as I feel that she’s thrown my visits back in my face just because she didn’t get her way that day.

This post sums it up beautifully!

Best wishes to you and your little one @Mamibaba !

He should reply ' what would grandad think of YOUR nonsense more like'

I would stop going over there and let your DP decide on visits.

Ouch, that is a bit of a twunt trick....

Follow his lead, if she keeps mithering you, tell her to contact her son about things as she's said you are in the wrong and therefore it's better she keep contact directly with him instead. If he arranges her to visit again and goes out, tell him you are going with him!!

I feel for the partner here. He has essentially gone nc with what sounds like a toxic parent. Yes he had a wobble just post birth if his child and wanted her to see the baby then bottled it, not great behaviour but I can see how it happened, my dds are nc with their father and at times of high emotion they want him in their lives but then can’t cope or he does something to remind them all over again why they are nc. Ops post reads less to me like him outsourcing the relationship with mil more like her overriding his wishes and the long term ambivalence or regret many people have when they cut out a parent even when it’s the right thing for them to do means he doesn’t challenge this. Tough all round but op should definitely step back from pushing the relationship between mil and baby

Yep. You are forcing a relationship, OP, and going against your partner's wishes. So what, he invited her over once? He clearly doesn't want a relationship with her or for her to have one with his child and he probably has a very good reason for this. If you keep inviting someone he has gone LC with into his life or his child's life, then all you are going to do is brew trouble in your own little family. Frankly, I don't know why you have been doing this. Do you have wonderful notions of reuniting them and playing happy families? Speaking as the child of toxic parents, I can tell you know, there is very little chance of that happening. Abusive parents rarely turn into wonderful grandparents.

Well from now on he can deal with her. Sounds like she was a rubbish mother so I understand if he doesn't want to make any effort but that doesn't make it your problem. With DH we have a rule: if any family member is problematic on his side HE deal with it and vice verse.

Well her words say it all.
"I WANT to know the baby..."
It's all about her.
I would not want this woman anywhere near my baby! Back away, Mama!

Ignore her . Don't visit. Don't reply. If your partner doenst visit her why should you.

Your husband doesn't have a great relationship with his Mum is the crux of why he's not facilitating a relationship between your baby and his Mum. He hasn't seen his Mum for 8 months because he doesn't want to see her, and keeps her at arms length instead.

The issue is OP, he's leaving you to deal with his Mum, and to facilitate a relationship with her and your daughter. He set the wheels in motion when he sent his Mum a picture of your child and invited her over. As soon as he did it, he has then simply walked away, leaving you to the mess he caused!

You now step back completely. Tell your husband that you aren't being manipulated by your MIL, with her telling lies and exaggerating, because she couldn't have her own way. He started this situation by sending her a picture of your baby and inviting his Mum over, he now needs to deal with the consequences of his actions.

If your MIL texts you, tell her that your husband is dealing with her seeing your child and for her to refer to him. If he chooses to do nothing, that's on him, not you.

You stop the visits, block her number and leave your DH to deal with her however he chooses.

Bloody cheek!

He can’t deal with his mum, but you have to?!

I'd stop the 6 weekly visits. She's not your friend, has ignored the hand of friendship and is now being manipulative. She can fuck off. If DP wants his mother in your lives he can take the DC to see her by himself.

Reclaim your time for yourself, you're wasting it on MIL and DC don't really care if they know extended relatives or not, so it's not worth going out of your way to put your DC into the presence of a manipulative one. Such people are toxic and best avoided. Maybe that's why DP doesn't see her much?

I haven't RTWT, but I've skimmed most of it. Your new baby/DC has a narcissist for a granny. It's a pity. But there it is. I would leave all communications with DNG (darling narcissist granny) to your DH to negotiate. Your DC will not, necessarily, be deprived by having little contact with DNG. A loving granny is one thing, an attention-sucker is another. Many children grow up without any DGPs at all. Stuff happens. Nil is better than poisonous, in my opinion.

similar situation. Me and DH been together 15 years had DD a year and a half ago and in that time she hasn’t come down to see her a single time. We’ve been up a handful of times but she couldn’t even be bothered to come down when she’d been born so that left a bitter taste after that. She also played the victim of how she feels ‘forgotten’ yet she’s made 0 effort. She’s a perfectly able bodied woman still, only 60, drives, in great shape and no health conditions so literally zero excuse. Now we don’t even bother communicating at all.

If he lived with his grandparents from being a teenager I assume there is quite a big and complex backstory of his and his mother’s relationship. However, that is not your problem.

I would stop engaging with her. If she wants to build a relationship with your child then she needs to arrange it all via your husband. You have been more than accommodating and fair, and it sounds like she’s just thrown it all back in your face.

tell her she needs to arrange visits with her son.
he's a bit of a shit to dump his mother on you and run the fuck away

Your partner doesn't want her in his life, probably because she behaves like this. Just cut your losses. I get get that it's good to have a relationship with your grandparents but only if they are nice and bring something positive to your child's life. Like with anyone else. Not just for the sake of it and at any cost, they don't get free passes to be horrible because they are grandparents.

This. Just don't bother because no matter what you do it won't be enough. Even if you turn up with a bagful of gold she would want silver. NOTHING you do will be good enough so don't set yourself up for failure please. Time is too precious to waste on people like this. Fill you and your babies life with positive people. Seriously, let her go and do not ever feel bad about it. Wishing you much joy.

I would stop taking the baby. Your husband doesn’t want a relationship with her so you shouldn’t have one either. If he wants his child to have a relationship with his mother then he needs to be the one to facilitate it.

‘ please do not make s difficult situation harder by making out you don’t get to see the baby when I’ve brought her over to your house several times from now on we will meet in a cafe’

I honestly don't understand this response, it sounds like you are being petty and confrontational for the sake of it to be honest, 'please don't make a difficult situation harder' is such a weird thing to say.

Why do you even want to have this 'difficult' relationship with her? Your partner certainly doesn't, the opposite in fact, he doesn't want to see her at all, and she hasn't given a shit about you for 12 years.. why would you be taking the baby to see her every 6 weeks??

Is there a reason you are pushing this?

Your baby won't benefit from having her in their life.

Your husband doesn't like her for good reasons, you probably feel guilty but why? It's of her own making.

His behaviour has made it quite clear he’s not interested. The only person maintaining is you. So stop and let him do it.

he hasn’t asked you to do, it seems he did one obligatory meeting and that’s it.

wouldn’t text her anything. If DH wants to sort he can but I don’t think he cares

@Mamibaba

You may be starting to see why he has nothing really to do with her.

Step back. Her behaviour needs to have consequences. If she isn’t going to play nicely, she looses the privileges.

Leave it to your partner to facilitate seeing the baby. He probably won’t, but that tells you what you need to know. You don’t need to compensate and get dragged into her nonsense.

Also, a twatty move of your partner when baby was born, I hope you gave him an earful!! He maybe got caught up in the new baby excitement and then bottled it. But not ok to run and hide and leave you to it like that! I hope he was sorry!

Are you sure she is even a safe person to have in your babies life? Your DHs behaviour and lack of story explaining his behaviour and him living with his GPs. suggests something bad happened

Arrange a time for the 3 of you to meet and sort out what suits you all going forward. Worth it if you can get her and the kid to have a good relationship (and might be helpful for you/your partner in the future if either of you were sick/needed help with childcare-before anyone says anything, she obviously doesn't have to, but most grandparents are happy to help in emergencies).

Obviously I don't know her, but some people are very over sensitive about being turned down for anything, so it can be easier to say something like can't do today, does Tuesday work for you? If not please send a list of times you're available.