AIBU to feel upset by my mother-in-law's message about visits?

[Mamibaba]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we moved into our house 3.5 years ago, I invited mother in law over to see the house that first summer she never showed and when I saw her months later she said she had decided to wait until house was finished to see it. After that I only saw her once a year at weddings etc. Last year I became pregnant and did not see her throughout the pregnancy. She came over to see the baby and I have since been taking the baby to her house every 6 weeks or so. Baby is now 11 months old and partner has never taken the baby to his mother’s house and has not seen his mother for over 8 months. Last week she asked me and the baby over on the Friday and I said no as we already had plans and would come over another day. She has since text my partner saying ‘ I want to know the baby but finding it difficult as everytime I try I’m not allowed’ am I right to be angry as I feel that she’s thrown my visits back in my face just because she didn’t get her way that day.

Sounds like there’s a very good reason why DH doesn’t see her.

I think mil is very old fashioned and thinks babies and home are wife work, the fact that op is probably on mat leave (being supported financially by DH?) will be cementing this.
you just need to be boundaried and tell your DH that he needs to organize his own mother now, especially if you’re going back to work you need to pass some home admin back to him.

Going forward, leave it to him to arrange meetings with his mum.

Maybe it wasnt a dig at you but at him if its been 8 months?

Stop messaging stop visiting. She needs to make effort here or your partner

Wow your MIL has been extremely rude and petulant. Very unwise behaviour on her part.
Having said that I don't think your text helped at all. Don't get dragged into the pettiness. Just maintain your boundaries- sorry we were busy can do a different day. Also you should leave it to your partner to manage this, it's not fair on you that he's left the relationship with his mother to you x

YANBU to be upset but it doesn’t sound like your reply helped the situation. Key is what is your DH saying about it all?

Why doesn’t your h see his mum?
Has she done something awful or is he just leaving her to you?

Why have you made such an effort to see her after she made no effort to see you?

I’d ignore her and leave it up to your h to facilitate her seeing the baby.

Your husband hasn't seen his own mum for over 8 months and her issue is with you? I'd take my lead from him I think.

My MiL didn't want to see my children - we managed to take our older DD over to see her once, but she died before she ever saw our younger DD, although I did send pictures, which she appreciated. She was an alcoholic, and sadly the alcohol was more important to her than seeing her grandkids (or her own children, or anyone else).
It never once entered my head to push it and keep visiting her - I left it to my DH to navigate it. She often refused entry or was too drunk for there to be any point anyway.
My (now adult) DDs have never been bothered that realistically they only had 3 grandparents that they knew of (only 2 now), not 4 - it's quite common anyway, since at least one has often died?

Why did she not plan another day? for the Friday you had plans.
Simple ignore her or get her son to organise a visit.
Probably needs you to organise it tho...a dig yes.
Petty family nonsense tell her a week or set notice is respectful

Leave it to DH to organise the relationship between him, his mum and baby.

If the visits were mutually enjoyable that would be different.

It sounds like she only wants to see the baby, she's never been interested in having a relationship with you.
I bet she had a friend visiting that day and she wanted to show off her GC. That's why another day wouldn't do.
Massively step back.

I think you made it a whole lot worse saying you'll only meet in a cafe.

She is rude.
Mark all your visits (that you gave done) on a wall calender.

Tell DH he is taking over keeping up a relationship between your dc and his mother

Ignore her blethering.

Just leave her to your DH, text back something like 'from now on your son will arrange for you to see your granddaughter ' and same message to DH. He can either take your DC or arrange for her to visit. Don't bother with meeting in a cafe etc.

Don't respond to any more messages and get drawn into any back and forth about this.

I wouldn't be taking the baby to see her at all. If she wants to see it she can organise it through her son.

Not your problem to solve.

Time for the rope drop.

I'd give her a bit of slack. She's grieving and that comes out in all sorts of ways. That's not to say I'd be marching to her tune. I'd be wondering why she feels she never sees GC. What was she expecting? Why was she expecting that? Has DP been rejecting visits without your knowledge?

Is the Grandad your MIL is talking about DH's Dad and her husband ? So your DD was born a month after he died ?

Just disengage completely. It’s her problem and it’s his problem. It’s not your problem.

All this texting is juvenile. Block her number or tell her to take it up with your DH every time she comes at you with whinging and emotional garbage. Go live your life and enjoy your baby.

She's not being reasonable, but neither was the text you sent in return. If I got that I think it would only inflame whatever tensions there are. There must be more to this if your DH hasn't seen her in 8 months. Does she live nearby or is it a distance to travel? I'd be deferring to your DH in terms of how to involve his mother in your DC's life.

No her father so my partner’s grandad. My partner lived with his grandma and grandad since he was a teenager.

I can see why your DH stays away. She is manipulative and plays the victim. I’d leave him to work it out. She will cast you as the evil woman not meeting her needs but embrace that, you don’t need her approval.

DH’s family is very difficult. We can have a very minimal but very positive involvement with them and that is all we can do.

We just don’t have the capacity to play the roles they give us in life so we don’t do it at all.