AIBU to feel upset by my mother-in-law's message about visits?

[Mamibaba]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we moved into our house 3.5 years ago, I invited mother in law over to see the house that first summer she never showed and when I saw her months later she said she had decided to wait until house was finished to see it. After that I only saw her once a year at weddings etc. Last year I became pregnant and did not see her throughout the pregnancy. She came over to see the baby and I have since been taking the baby to her house every 6 weeks or so. Baby is now 11 months old and partner has never taken the baby to his mother’s house and has not seen his mother for over 8 months. Last week she asked me and the baby over on the Friday and I said no as we already had plans and would come over another day. She has since text my partner saying ‘ I want to know the baby but finding it difficult as everytime I try I’m not allowed’ am I right to be angry as I feel that she’s thrown my visits back in my face just because she didn’t get her way that day.

Seriously OP, no more visits or messages . Yoir Dh was brought up by his grandparents for a reason. He does not want to see her, why are you forcing this?

Just stop. You owe her nothing and support yoir DH going LC. Sometimes they need toi to play the bad guy to cut lose. Help him do this

my SIL made my mum text/ring my brother to sort all visits when the kids were young 🤷‍♀️ sounds like you should do the same. Maybe try
“im feeling very overwhelmed with all the family trying to coordinate to see baby so I’m asking DH’s side to sort with him. Thanks”
and then just repeat like a broken record
”please reach out to husband to schedule visits”

I havent read all the messages. Basically she is being a bullying cow! Leave it up to your OH to sort out visits etc,

Baby is 4 months old - absolutely no way. If you need a sitter because you are going out she comes to do it at yours. Baby does not go to her! And staying overnight - I would say at least 7 years old unless it suits you otherwise.

I trusted my parents completely with my children to the fact that my mum was my child minder when I went back to work. But outside of paid child minding hours they babysat at our house and the girls were 6 and 4 before they stayed overnight, even though they were at their house 3 days a week childminding.

She is being an overbearing arse! Your child - your rules

Why did your husband live with his grandparents?

It seems you must know more about their relationship?

My now deceased MIL was an extremely toxic influence on my family causing arguments, drama and huge stress every Easter, Xmas, birthdays etc. I tried for 3 or 4 years until I had enough and just cut her off. Best thing I ever did and my DH understood even though he still put up with it. He never stood up to her or tried to reason with her but he knew she was cold and callous towards me and criticised our decisions and so it was silently agreed I'd just fade away and not visit or allow her to visit us. Id be cordial at the rare times we bumped into each other but she stood her ground to the bitter end.

You're trying too hard, her own son hasn't even seen her for 8 months. Don't engage or nriehr with her, her son can arrange for her to meet and know her grandchild if he wishes if not too bad.

Oh this!!

Unfortunately it's basic human nature to take things for granted after a while.
My own mother saw very little of her mother for years and years then in her late 40@s she was divorced and lonely and started travelling to visit her every weekend for a few months. Then she got a new boyfriend and didn't want to go north to visit her mother- there was a huge fuss and my Nan phoned her all the time complaining she never visited, having never complained in the years when she didn't go..
Being refused once sits a lot higher in your MIL's mind than all the visits you made, it's just what happens.

I'm sure it's already been said - I'm afraid it seems that you have a husband problem, not a M-i-L problem.

My partner's family are the same. When we adopted our little boy, I took adoption leave and I made sure I was in very regular contact with the in-laws. They live 200 miles away and so I felt it was important to encourage their relationship with our son, even thought long-distance is hard! I was lucky if I ever got a ,"That's nice," comment from the multiple photos and videos and updates I gave. Usually I just got an emoji response. Eventually I decided that it's not my job to keep that relationship going, and so I stopped. My wife does send them updates, but not very often as it's still welcomed with the crappy replies. I used to invite them to stay down for weekends and things - they weren't interested. They now haven't seen their beautiful grandson for 2.5 years!! At the end of the day, they're the ones missing out on what would be a wonderful relationship with our absolute joy of a boy. More fool/shame on them

I'd recommend handing the baton to your partner . If she wants a relationship she goes through her son. If her son won't facilitate the relationship then that's on him. If he walks out on you, again, when she arrives, then you don't let her visit. Neither of them are behaving in a good way, and you're not there to referee things. I hope things start to become a little smoother for you!

You have a partner issue rather than a mother in law issue. What did you say when he did this?! Where’s the communication between you?!

I am a compassionate, sensitive and sensible woman.
And I, like most competent women, know that a mother must pack up 9000 stone of crapola to take her baby on a visit to granny or auntie or uncle who lives 3 towns over.
Common sense tells me that the easiest and by far the most kind way to visit baby is to call up mum and arrange a day and time most convenient for them to visit them at home.
I DO NOT bitch and moan and cry and whine because I didn’t get my way, for god’s sake.
That’s an excellent way to alienate your family AND your friends.
This grandma just needs a little frank reminder that she is not the star of the show and indeed is fortunate to have supporting role.
But be kind - aging stars need kindness.

Seems to me that rather than have the difficult discussion with each other of why their relationship is so bad, they've found an easy scapegoat in you. Partner needs to have a chat with his mum and if I was you I would kill her with kindness, but at the same time not give in to silly demands. Firm but fair if that makes sense?

You have a H problem.

Tell her, that you have accommodated her and facilitaed her having contact with the child for the last 8 months. On this occasion it is not convenient and seen as shes made a fuss that moving forward she should direct her communication to her son.

Then block her.

Tell him that he can take the child to his mothers or facilitate the visits. If he arranges a visit he either goes to her or he hosts her.

He doesnt want to entertain his mother so why should you?

Stop seeing her. If she wants to see the GC she can build a relationship with her son first. And visit his home to see his family.

How come your partner has never taken the baby there or seen her for 8 months? Maybe its because he knows what she can be like and now a set of circumstances has revealed that side of her to you?

Why have you been facilitating developing a relationship between your baby with a manipulative woman who's own son wants nothing to do with? Stop it and protect your child from becoming close with crazy loons

This! What on earth happened afterwards? I would have been really cross to be expected to entertain someone he couldn’t be arsed to!