AIBU to feel upset by my mother-in-law's message about visits?

[Mamibaba]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and we moved into our house 3.5 years ago, I invited mother in law over to see the house that first summer she never showed and when I saw her months later she said she had decided to wait until house was finished to see it. After that I only saw her once a year at weddings etc. Last year I became pregnant and did not see her throughout the pregnancy. She came over to see the baby and I have since been taking the baby to her house every 6 weeks or so. Baby is now 11 months old and partner has never taken the baby to his mother’s house and has not seen his mother for over 8 months. Last week she asked me and the baby over on the Friday and I said no as we already had plans and would come over another day. She has since text my partner saying ‘ I want to know the baby but finding it difficult as everytime I try I’m not allowed’ am I right to be angry as I feel that she’s thrown my visits back in my face just because she didn’t get her way that day.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. I'm currently mourning the loss of all hope of a functional relationship with my MIL, who seems to think that a weekly phone call with DH and our DD (toddler) is what will build a strong relationship.

Do you actually enjoy the visits? Does your DD get something out of them? If so then I’d try to continue with whatever works for you and DD and have some kind of friendship with her. If not then I’d just keep it to occasional visits. Your partner’s relationship with her is obviously not OK and there’s no point involving him.

Why on earth are you facilitating the relationship between your child and HIS mother? Stop doing it. If MIL can’t be bothered to make an effort to see her grandchild and your DH can’t be bothered to include her then so be it. It is beyond your control and not your problem to fix! Tell your DH that you are no longer going to facilitate the relationship so if he isn’t going to bother, then it won’t happen.

You've given it a go and it hasn't worked. She is the same awful person that led your partner to move in with his grandparents and to have no relationship with his mother. He seems to have outsourced his relationship with his mum to you.

You've made loads of effort to include her and she has just thrown it all back in your face.

Block her number and don't contact her again. If you partner invites her to your home again and then leaves the house, you should do the same and go out with your baby so there is no-one at home when she turns up.

I can see why, she’s bonkers.

I’d stay well clear.

So the deal is this

the baby stays at yours and you have done all the visits so far.

he says in to deal with her and make cups of tea etc

she says for two hours on a day and time you offer

It seems like you're completely unreasonable here.

He doesn't see his own mother. Didn't want her to know about the baby. You insisted on visiting regularly which means when there's kick back, he gets it in the neck off her.

Does he actually want his child to have a relationship with his mother?

Drop the rope. After my MIL went too far I stopped facilitating contact with the DC.

She quickly realised DH was too lazy to bother. She got into the habit of surprise attack visits - calling when they were two minutes drive away (she was previously a stickler for waiting for a polite invitation). Always on a Sunday afternoon, so I made myself busy out of the house!!

When they picked at me I'd say talk to your son!!

Sounds as if the dysfunctional mother-son relationship goes way back then.

"He doesn’t want to talk about her, he did not want to tell her about the pregnancy as he said she’ll make it all about her."

"partner has never taken the baby to his mother’s house and has not seen his mother for over 8 months."

You do not have to have a relationship with this woman - her son doesn't! And he's your 'connection' to her. Your son is also connected to her only through his father/your partner/her son - and his father has never taken his son to his mother.

Talk to your partner. Ask how he feels about just cutting this woman out of YOU life, just as he has. You may find that your keeping the door open to her makes him feel uncomfortable, but you won't know of you don't ask.

You don't need to keep in touch with her. She doesn't need, nor does she have any right to, contact with your son. I'd take my lead from my partner/her son, who is essentially Non-Contact with her.

There's obviously a back story as to why your DH lived with his grandparents during his teens .

It sounds like he doesn't want to repair the relationship between him and his mother and your MIL has sent him a message acting like everything is normal between them .

I can't see a solution as it's not up to you to fix their relationship .
Take whatever she says with a large pinch of salt and try not to let it get to you 💐

It sounds to me like your partner is right and has the measure of his mother, who has now proved his point and IS making it all about her.

Perhaps you should listen to him and stop bending over backwards to facilitate these visits. Not at her house, not at yours and not in a café either. Fuck the rude mare. It all sounds like far more trouble than it is worth. Baby doesn't need a relationship with a grandparent like this.

Clearly there's a massive back story here around your partner living with his grandparents as a teen, not wanting to tell her about the pregnancy and not seeing her in 8 months.
You can totally drop the ball here. You facilitate visits with your family and he can facilitate with his if he wants to.
Grey rock her "sounds great MIL but DC and I have plans that day so it's best you arrange with DP. See you soon". And repeat.

Given she sounds like a shitty Mom, I'd probably give hi mtbe benefit of the doubt in this one that it isn't that simple.

😆 Hats off to him, that’s hilarious. He’s got you right under the thumb hasn’t he?

You mean the son that lived with his grandparent growing up should soothe his poor old mother’s bitterness. Nah she is a grown up she is responsible for fixing her own messes.

I think you need to meet his mother with the same energy he does. Don’t they and facilitate any kind of entitlement from this woman.

Do you have your own parents? Your insistence on pursuing a relationship with this woman when her own son doesn’t like her is very odd. He was right, he knows exactly what she’s like and you naively thought she’d change and were wrong. Trust his opinion of her, he’s known her a lot longer than you have.

That was totally unacceptable of your DH. Why didn’t you tell him to entertain his own mother?

Your partner needs to facilitate this relationship, not you. I’ve never once in 18 years taken the dc to see MIL without Dh, nor have I seen her on my own ever. She’s perfectly alright, but she’s not my family and it’s not my job to facilitate Dh’s relationship with his mum. They organise their own things and sometimes I also come along. As he isn’t close, I’d step back. Let him choose the sort of relationship he wants his dd to have.

There we go. Your partner has very good, valid reasons for not wanting a relationship with this person. I mean this kindly - but your repeated efforts to involve her in your and your baby's life are likely to be causing him immense pain and anguish. Please stop. Please support him in his decisions and block her yourself. I know that you probably feel that "she should" be involved in baby's life - but this is probably because you had a normal family upbringing. He clearly has not.

She is already weaponising a small baby to further torment him (and you). You can stop this right now. Block her and do not persist in trying to forge a healthy relationship that can never be. It will get worse as she ages and baby grows older. Do you really want her to be dripping her poison into the ear of a child that is old enough to understand her words and then innocently repeat them back to you?

Please, please cut her off and live your best lives as a family, free of her spiteful cruelty.

Why is she criticising you when you have seen her with the baby and your dp doesnt?

Maybe "I've asked dp to take responsibility for arranging to meet you with the baby in future. Hopefully he'll arrange something soon"

So it’s that MN classic - you have a DH problem. From now on, as she’s been so ungrateful for any effort you’ve put in, it’s completely between your DH and his mum when visits take place, and you’ll be out having some “me time” whenever that happens (or more likely doesn’t happen). Not your problem. You’ve tried and had it thrown back in your face.

Wtaf?! He doesn’t get to dump his mother on you, that’s outrageous! He doesn’t want a relationship with her, you shouldn’t be pushing one.

You don't need to see her at all! Stop this nonsense. This is her personality and why would you want her to build a relationship with your child if her own son doesn't want a relationship with her? She won't change. Don't let her take your energy.

There are so many posters on MN with this sort of story - the DP doesn't want to deal with his difficult mum, who is unpleasant to the OP. And time after time the OP's have, rather than learning from their DP's that the MiL is to be avoided, waded in supporting a relationship that costs them and almost inevitably is actually bad for their DC.

We see it so much that I figure it has to be some sort of socialization that pushes this poor decision making. Still I do often read these and think "What is wrong with you? Even her own son won't see her and you think it's a good idea to expose your poor infant to her?"

And here it is happening again. OP, I'm sure you had the best of intentions, but stop and look at this with clearer eyes. Strip away your feelings of obligation and work out what it is you think you are doing for you, your DP and your DC? Is she really going to be anything but a drag on your family?