AIBU to think 8.45pm is too early to expect quiet?

[Ellou2010]

Am I being unfair or is it wrong of the neighbours to message asking us to be quiet at 8.45 because their 4 month old wakes at the slightest noise? For context we are older and have a 14 and 16 year old so our house doesn’t wake until atleast 11am. 16 year old finished his GCSES and has been on summer break for 5 weeks already and still has 6 weeks to go. He’s trying to get a job but he and his friends keep getting knocked back because there is no work for them. He is very sociable and has a good group of friends who come here once every couple of weeks which I like because atleast I know they are safe. 14 year old is autistic and shuts herself away from the world so I’m glad he is more social! We brought our house 4 years ago and the neighbours are lovely including the neighbours who have moaned. I understand it’s hard with a newborn because I’ve been there twice but seriously don’t understand why we should all go quite before 9pm? For context school terms were all in bed by 9pm latest it’s just summer we socialise. Don’t want to fall out with the neighbours but also want my kids to have a social life!

Babies should sleep through noise. They should be making more noise themselves . Nobody with any sense still does the shhh , you’ll wake the baby. Babies fit in, you don’t fit round them. In other cultures, baby sleeps on mother’s back while she works. Only in ours do ppl expect silence if a baby goes to sleep. It’s ludicrous. You are not unreasonable.

We have the same situation here, except we have the babies. Teenagers are well behaved & just play music till 10:30/11pm. We’ve never said anything as it’s their home and they are good neighbours.
We just play white noise when it gets too loud, seems to work. Your neighbours are being daft.

It really depends a lot on the properties - some have thin walls and weird acoustics.

I lived in a semi where in one particular room - we could hear the neighbours entire conversation including the other person if they were on speaker. But not really general conversation so much. Also their large TV was fixed to the dividing wall with surround sound - every time it was on it crashed and boomed.

But we didn’t hear anything else much.

I don't think it's the noise, I think it's the baby.

I know OP said that she trained her babies to sleep through noise, but if you have a baby that just does not sleep, no amount of training will help. I've got five children, none of them were what you'd call 'good' sleepers, but my eldest daughter slept from newborn for ten minutes a day, and three hours in a block at night. The rest of the time she was awake. It nearly killed me.

She was diagnosed AuDHD, she's now an adult and still doesn't sleep much.

Sometimes, even with the best will in the world, you get a baby that doesn't sleep. I suspect OPs summer holiday when the house is empty and silent, might prove to the neighbours that they've just drawn the short straw in babies.

Ah parents of a PFB 😁

I would say we will be quiet after 10pm on weekdays but ultimately we are just living a normal life

soon it will be them waking you up with screaming toddler 😂😂😂

be friendly and accommodating (seemingly) but keep living your own life

some parents think the whole world needs to accommodate their needs when they have their precious first born

it is kind of seeet but also silly of them

I'm confused, are they my asking you to be quiet in the garden when the teens are over or every evening?

Is the issue general everyday noise or specific to the teenage guests?

In both instances the neighbours are being unreasonable but if they are expecting you all to quiet down for the evening at 8:45pm every single day then they are batshit.

At 8.45 ?

You have the right to enjoy your garden and they can’t expect you to live by their babies schedule. You’ll need to gently refuse and tell them you will enjoy your garden in the summer. It is best for the baby to get use to noise.

I would answer saying that you’ll make sure they don’t play music or ball games after 8:45 (I know you said they didn’t), and that they won’t be chatting outside after 10:30.
This way you sound like a reasonable neighbour wanting to help, but at the same time you don’t change anything as you are already a very reasonable neighbour.

If they insist on silence in the garden after 8:45 suggest that they put the baby in bed in another bedroom as « surly they understand that with the heat it is not fair to ask the teenagers to come in at 8:45 »

I thought the neighbours were getting annoyed because it was every night! goodness they need to be realistic. Unless you live in a quiet rural area with no one around this is life.
My kids used to be little babies who were terrible sleepers and even now will get disturbed by a neighbour on a rare occurrence but I’ll say there is nothing we can do, just lie there and rest. As babies I would have taken them into my room if needed, they were probably in there anyway.
I remember my neighbour once having a birthday party and all her family sitting chatting in the evening having a nice time. I just shut the kids windows. Honestly they’re being ridiculous.

I agree. Babies do want they want.

And they could use white noise. It’s a simple cover for random noises so they’re being silly if they won’t even try it. We had one of those sheep and it helped quite a bit.

Look all kids are different. My eldest has no other kids in the house and would have slept through an earthquake once asleep. My youngest has a noisy older brother and still was a very light sleeper until she was 4 or so, thank God it's improved because you literally couldn't go to he toilet without waking her. Sometimes it's just thebldi you get

Have you told them they don't need to apologise? It might help towards a more give and take attitude on their part.

No way, 8:45 is way too early! If you pander to this now they will expect it to continue for years. As you’ve said, children live and sleep in all sorts of homes with all sorts of noises so silence isn’t necessary. If they prefer silence for their child they can buy a detached house in the countryside with no neighbours!

YANBU. Babies need to learn to sleep through noise like people talking. If it was thumping music she might have a case but it's not, its normal family life. It will be her child hanging out with friends in the garden in a few years. She's just at a different stage of parenting.

What a strange specific time to request you to be quiet from. I think being quiet from 10pm on a residential street is already respectful.

They are probably finding things difficult though so I can empathise, but it's unfortunately the impact of living close to other families of different ages. It's better long term if they can find a way to cope with external noise because it'll always be there.

Nope, sorry. You cannot enforce rules on your neighbours on how they live. You just can't.

Much like everyone always says on Mumsnet, if you want to live in silence, move to the middle of a field with no one around you. This is no different just because they are new parents. Suck it up buttercups.

You are being respectful and are not causing noise late at night.

They are CF. If they want to pay your bills they can have a say! 8:45 is not late, and you do not have to march to the beat of their drum. If you could hear the baby cry at an unsociable hour to you, would you moan?! Probably not, kids have the right to live in their own home at ease!

The fact that it's just a specific time 8:45 rather than say, 9ish - is everything you need to know about how regimented they are being and how inflexible their PFB routine is. These are the sort of people who think they are the first people to ever have a child and expect everyone else to be both enthralled and as engaged in baby's schedule as they are.

Like I said upthread, they will cringe about this when PFB is 17 bing a PITA

We’ve recently moved and now have neighbours where we didn’t really before.
everyone is very social, it seems free for all at the weekend on evening noise. Week days is until 10 in the holidays and 9 during the term time as there’s one primary age child in the close.

I think that’s all reasonable and can’t complain at that.

Its modern dont give a fuckery tbh. Come on, we all know how difficult it is to get little baby off to sleep in hot summers. It can be a nightmare sometimes. I bet there are times you would pay £1m just to have the peace and quiet of a full nights sleep given the chance.

Of course your child and his friends have every right to be out on a warm summers evening/night. Of course they should be able to laugh and chat and not give a hoot about others peace. But we live in society that needs a bit of give and take to run along. We also get back what we give sometimes.

I have long since done my stint with babies but i do remember the battles with warms nights and sleeping. Our direct neighbours recently had a baby and over the road did too. Have we changed our lifestyle for them? Not at all, just a few simple adjustments they didnt even ask for.

My son has a loud car (Its actually computer controlled so he can tell it to be quieter). I asked him to ensure its always on the quiet setting when coming and going. Also to reduce his music volume when coming onto our street. Little things that i know would annoy the neighbours with newborns.

We also get to about 9pm and make sure volume levels are discreet outside. We love sitting on an evening in the back garden but it doesnt take a rocket scientist to know it might cause them issues. We just lower the volume of our chat. Its not difficult.

The actions you take might not make a jot of difference and you can quite rightly refuse. But its a reflection of yourself and how you treat others and may just reflect how they will treat you in future.

I agree, just because op and her kids are not working does not make it okay to be making lots of noise directly outside a baby's bedroom. They have to keep the windows open or the baby could overheat.

I am always stunned by how selfish people are. A working week should be quiet - people are not getting enough sleep as it is with the heat, and to add a small baby into the mix whilst trying to hold down jobs is extremely exhausting. Why would you want to make their life harder?! Your house is not the only house they can spend time in. I find some people are really selfish. It will damage your relationship with them.

When we moved here fifteen years ago the house needed a lot of work (3 bedroom semi). We did noisier stuf during the day. On an evening we'd never work in the two rooms attached to the neighbour or use any power tools, think fine sanding with a block and paper, stripping wallpaper, filling holes, etc.
One night the neighbour knocked on the door at 8pm. He was pretty aggressive telling us he'd just put Sarah (name change) to bed and we were taking the piss being so loud. I apologised and said I was only hand sanding the spindles on the bannister.
I'd never met Sarah. When I closed the door DS1, aged fifteen, started laughing and said you do realise they only have one kid and she's in my year! Sarah is about thirty now, married with a DC. I still think it was weird to 'put to bed' a NT fifteen year old.
I also think you are better off if you can get your baby used to some noise, otherwise you'll spend your life having to tiptoe around.

If it was every night til midnight it would be unreasonable. But once every couple of weeks chatting in the garden til 10pm is fine unless they're shouting amd shrieking. A message response to say you'll make sure they're quiet/in from 10pm and it won't be your turn to host them again for 2 weeks.

Weve had 2 bbqs this summer with 13-15 people. It wouldnt occur to me to shoo everybody indoors or ask them to leave at 8.30 so as not to disturb others.
Not because im a selfish inconsiderate person but because a) its a normal time to be using the garden and b) its very occassional.

I have a 16 year old, just done GCSEs, he tends to meet his friends late afternoon, or early evening on a common/field nearby and come home around 8.30....but if he sometimes invited them round, I wouldnt consider it hugely inconsiderate to be out chatting at 9-10pm