AIBU in thinking that this is an unfair expectation on parents

[GumballWaterson]

DD12 goes to a weekly Musical Theatre class which costs us £200 per term.

This summer they are doing a performance, two weeks of rehearsals followed by a dress rehearsal and three performances across two days. It costs £150 per child to take part and tickets for the show are £16 each. We have to provide a costume. Driving her to and from rehearsals and performances (an hour round trip) has taken some juggling with work, younger DC etc but all fine, that's what we agreed to.

A couple of weeks back they sent out an email stating "we expect all parents to chaperone or help out backstage for at least one performance or the dress rehearsal. You must let us know which performance/s you will be volunteering for by completing this form by X date". No "please" or "if you are able to" or "we would be grateful if", just a straight up demand.

When I dropped DD off this morning I spoke to one of the managers and politely told her that DH and I are unable to help. I explained that DH will be at work during the dress rehearsal and first performance and I will be looking after DD's younger brother, then for the other two performances one of us will be in the audience and the other will be at home with DS as he would not be able to sit through the show due to SEND. She responded with what I can only describe as a lecture, about how they "do expect all families to make arrangements" because "it really isn't fair on the parents that make the effort" and if they don't have enough chaperones the performances can't legally go ahead and "it's the children who will suffer if parents don't support the show". This was all delivered unnecessarily loudly, I got the impression she wanted me to feel embarrassed by other parents and staff hearing.

AIBU to think I shouldn't be berated for not supporting a business that I pay £600 a year in class fees to, in addition to the nearly £200 it's costing us for DD to do this show + tickets? Not to mention DD has given up several days of her summer holiday to help out at their under 5's dance workshops, for which they also charge parents a small fortune!
I don't want to stop DD taking part in future because it's good for her confidence, but I don't feel it should be my responsibility as the customer of a profit-making business to ensure their events are appropriately staffed. The only way we could make this work is if one of us doesn't watch the show, and helps out backstage instead but DD would be disappointed that we hadn't both seen her perform, plus we've already bought the tickets.

I think it's unfortunately super common for extra curriculars to have expectations on parents that aren't very clear and often quite changeable. I'm always bewildered at how my daughter's dance school and my son's ex-football club just assumed there was a random adult just waiting to jump in to drive people wherever at the drop of a hat. But oddly... often there were and it was just me who seemed to really struggle.

I pay thousands for my daughter's dancing but that includes several teachers who do all the actual work with them. My job is to be available for lifts, to somehow source a white leotard or pink tights by tomorrow, to pay whatever random fee crops up at whatever random time - sometimes in CASH which is hugely irritating, and to be in the audience with great enthusiasm. My son has dropped football (woo hoo!) but my job was to be 100% available at any time and any place between 8-2 on Sundays, to stare at a bunch of children playing football in the rain 3x a week and to remember to get more and more football socks as they seemed to be destroyed regularly.

I didn't know half of this was my job when they signed up but everyone acted like it was obvious when I had questions so I think some of this is just people being part of a world for a long time and just assuming other adults know these things instinctively.

If your daughter wants to continue with this next year, try to have a private conversation with the head and just explain that you cannot do xyz 'but' you can help out in whatever way you can - could you help with admin? Sewing? Whatever... it does take a village and unless I'm misunderstanding the fees, it does seem like they need support from parents to run these things as it's not very expensive in comparison to what I'd expect.

All of this is entirely standard until you get to the chaperone part. Both my children have been involved in theatre companies and I have never been asked to chaperone, the theatre companies hire professional DBS checked chaperones. I briefly ran a children’s theatre company and always hired a professional chaperone. In addition attempting to shame you in front of other parents is shitty behaviour. Ignore the request, let your daughter do the show and withdraw her from the company. If they have a Facebook page post on it along the lines: congratulations everyone on a great show, unfortunately we will not be returning next year as Name of Company was not able to accommodate the needs of our family with a SEND child. Then watch the comments kick off.

One chaperone at one performance while other watches it. Then the does the opposite. Get a babysitter for DS for all performances…

Have you tried getting a babysitter for a child with SEND?

Just don’t reply to the letter asking for which date you will cover. You have been clear and not your problem. You pay enough for the class for this not to be an issue.

Name changed for this post but wonder if we live in the same town OP? Are the teachers often also the stars of the show?

If not there’s another very similar stage school who charge the earth and expect the world.

We pulled DD out after a step too far - charging parents for a hair accessory for a dance exam that was whipped off the children’s hair as they exited. Apparently the money we paid (which was more than the cost of the accessory) was only a rental fee!!!

Get out while you can OP - there’s always other schools and they don’t all rip parents off and guilt trip them!

We paid similar money for a theatre group that DS was part of, and they covered the cost of chaperones. They did ask for parent volunteers to help with front of house and other things, which I did for one of the performances. By asking nicely, not demanding, they got more volunteers than they needed. But there was no question of parents being backstage in the changing rooms and chaperoning the kids, that was taken care of by the company.

I would politely ignore the request for this show. Your daughter at 12 won't need anywhere near as much help as the rooms with much younger kids. So as long as a couple of parents of the older kids volunteer it'll be ok. (If she's got some kind of complicated costume / make up that even an adult would need help with, there would need to be somebody other than a random parent trying to assist anyway).

I suspect there's a chunk of parents who routinely ignore the request and nothing happens because enough others volunteer.

For future shows you could negotiate a time you can offer / be explicit you're not available to do it / be explicit that you consider your daughter's unpaid labour with the younger kids is enough voluntary support for your family to provide.

In the future there's also the option if looking for similar activities closer to home.

The DBS would be valid unless they applied for it. It not acceptable to take a copy of one provided by the parent, so I would seriously question this with them. If they are doing this with parents they will be with staff. I would also ask how often they reapply for staff.

NO, YOU'RE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE. Sadly it's too common these days for schools ect to take the money and deliver very little. Legally they're out of line in sending such requests. When conditions on an application changed unilaterally legally they cannot enforce anything except being snotty. It's just an unpleasant institution you faced and they showed their real colours, perhaps it's worthwhile looking for something else for the next academic year?

I would stop beating yourself up about it, you have explained yourself with validation, other parents will expect that not everyone can help out. Like someone else has said are all the ‘helpers’ going to be dbs checked? That is what I would be asking the organisers? They are a business and if they don’t have enough staff to cover performances then is there adequate staff at other times. I would stop trying to defend yourself and start looking for a new class for your dd

Similar to my daughters dance company. Although as other posters have said, the parents roped in all have to have enhanced DBS checks in order to be chaperones backstage. I get collared every year as I have an enhanced dbs due to my profession and they know it! I'm doing two days of chaperoning in October, and I really hate it every year! However, my daughter loves it, so its my sacrafice of two days for her....

I wouldn't worry you can volunteer you can't end of! Its a huge company making a huge profit i would also look elsewhere.

If it was my child, I would want to make sure every single backstage adult had an up to date DBS check. Nobody should be watching (or helping!) children get changed without being checked.

Generally though, these things are SO expensive to run, so the monetary angle isn't surprising. Dance is a very, very expensive hobby. My parents were thrilled that I chose a much cheaper one!

Had this with dance school.

Daughter signed up to the show. Had to select which voluntary bit parent would be doing (I wrote none). Daughter got accepted. Then told I HAD to help on weekends or she couldn't be in the show. Had they said 'compulsory' I wouldn't have signed her up.

I had 2 toddlers- who I couldn't bring. No family. I was asked why I couldn't get the nanny to look after the siblings on the weekend ... Um. What nanny??

I think I would be replying in the same manner. “As our attendance is deemed mandatory for the events to go ahead, I therefore request that tickets for each helper, and childcare (where needed to supply this attendance) will be provided free of charge in return”. See what they say to that.

My DDs dance class is similar, and she also asks local businesses for donations for raffles and expects the kids to do ‘fundraising’ to pay for costumes, and then last summer she had a hissy fit because they hadn’t raised enough money and said those who hadn’t raised anything would have to pay for their own costumes. I just ignored all of the requests for fundraising, I work for a charity, it would be a very bad look for me to ask friends and colleagues to donate towards a middle class
girls private dance lessons, and when the email came around about the show I said ok, but can you let me know how much you want me to pay for the costume first, because I’m happy to pay, but if it’s going to be more than say £100 then maybe she will just opt out of the show. She replied quickly that we wouldn’t have to pay anything.

My DD does a musical theatre which is £100 per term, the only thing we had to do was get her to the show on the day (early for rehearsals) and pay for tickets. The rehearsals were done during the usual weekly Saturday morning session she attends and all costumes provided and no requirement for chaperone as they had their own. Feel like they're expecting a lot and it should def be advised this is a requirement early on

I’ve chaperoned back stage on many occasions and sat in the audience on other nights, sat sewing sequins until midnight, put what seems like hundreds of girls ballet buns in girls hair. Why? My daughter at 2 loved ballet and danced until she was 19. Only last year she bought us tickets to see the nutcracker. I don’t particularly like Ballet but I support my daughter. I also worked full time and had a son who loved football and cricket
spent many a day watching him play( and still do)
Make memories while they are young as you only borrow your children and then they grow and fly the nest and make their own lives

This thread is making me ever so pleased that my kids do minimal activities involving sustained commitment from them or us as parents.

Maybe we're being neglectful and they are missing out on opportunities to develop sporting or performance talent, but I could not be dealing with this level of hassle.

You are not being unreasonable.
This sounds like it's being done "on the cheap" they're trying to avoid Enhanced DBS checks, which will cost them £50 each.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Stop reaping the benefits if you’re not willing to pitch in and help out. One of you needs to miss the show.