DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

I think you’ve got it right too, it’s both supportive and future planning to mitigate future IHT liability.
We are looking at the financial responsibility aspect from two different view points but it’s something we discuss often and I’m sure we will reach a happy medium or compromise on our views. We’ve already agreed on gifting and when we have taken further financial planning advice, I’m sure we will reach appropriate agreements.

I think it depends on the DC's financial situation. Do they need the help? Why do they need the help? Was there a nasty divorce that financially devastated them? Do they work full-time, but their job doesn't pay well? Do they have young children and expensive daycare, and are they doing the best they can?

Or are they bad with money and living way beyond their means? Do they take expensive vacations and buy luxury cars? Do they eat out a lot at expensive restaurants? In that case, helping them is just encouraging them to be irresponsible with money and financially dependent on you.

I can see the benefits of giving lump sum if you are lucky enough to be able to afford it but I think supplementing adults monthly in their 30’s who are all coping financially is a bit odd.
i was too proud to ask my parents for help and it has stood me in good stead as I know how it feels to scrimp and can budget well.
How will they learn those skills? Maybe they don’t need to but I have found it valuable in many ways.

One off assistance for a house, car etc is one thing, bankrolling an entire lifestyle that they couldn’t afford if you stopped tomorrow is not a smart idea.

what's the problem?

I also think that a one-off assistance to help with a house deposit is one thing but I really don't think that giving regular money, paying for white goods, car repairs and so on for adults who are working is healthy. However this is MN.. we either chuck them out at 18 because they are adults or we turn them into adult babies and financially support our children until we die.

What's unhealthy about it?

I get money for all those things you listed (well, not specifically, but that's what I use it for) - I don't need it. I can afford it myself, but my parents want to help me where they can and while they can. It makes way more sense for it to go to me than to the taxman 😏

I would not be staying in a 3 star hotel (unless I wanted to) because I was sending money to dcs who were financially independent. There's a balance. Your kids don't need the money - splash out, go 5 star, live a little. Enjoy your retirement!

No to any of these, they all work full time but we don’t know what they earn. Two are trying to save for house deposits. What we gift them, which in response to a question someone asked, is roughly 8% of our total monthly income, we are pretty sure is going into ISA’s to help towards getting a deposit together. The one DC who is married, already has a mortgage so again, it’s going into their ISA but beyond that, what they choose to spend it on is up to them.
Provision will be made for any potential care for DH and I when we look at our future planning. Sorry, that’s in response to another pp who asked this in an earlier post.
@BurtsBeefCrisps they already have financial skills, they are all good with money, what we gift them is, as far as we know, put into their ISA’s.

I get money from my parents (that I don't ask for or need) and can manage a budget just fine. I've never had any debt (apart from student loan and mortgage) and can pay for all my own expenses. The money my parents give me is mostly used for fun and repairs - both of which I can afford myself but their money means I can use my own savings for other things.

Exactly! It’s not always easy to find that balance when there’s differing views on how to spend joint money but I’m sure, with discussion and being the adults we are, we will get there.

I think I’d feel the same way as you OP that you shouldn’t feel you need to be financially responsible for your DC now that they have established adult lives.

Reading between the lines, it seems to me that maybe you are being overlooked in your discussions with DH ie you have health concerns that may need financial consideration in the future/settling for 3* hotel rather than something a little more comfortable. Is this because your pension is smaller?
I don’t think your relationship with your DCs is relevant but I think your DH’s is. He seems to be trying to make up for when he was absent during their childhood perhaps?

My DDs are only teenagers right now but while I’m still able I’m sure I’ll be helping them out financially. They’re both at college away from home - they live in houses that I own and have roommates. They keep the monthly rent as their allowances. I pay their college fees, their household bills, their medical insurance, phones etc. And I give them money for clothes. They’re still at the age where they like to come on holiday with me … my sister says that will never change 😂 I don’t know OP. I’m sort of with your husband if I can I will. My eldest DD talks about becoming financially independent (mostly because her roommates call her the nepo baby) but my parents worked really hard so I didn’t have to work quite so hard … and I’m pretty much doing the same.

They're in their 30s, they should be supporting themselves.

Hahah. Shows what bollocks people come out with on here sometimes!

He sounds like an absolute disgrace

Op maybe budget for the treats and better life and compromise by reducing the allowance.

@Velvetandleather

oh FFS so what if it’s only OP who benefits from it?! She’s a person no less important than anyone else and yes that includes her offspring.

Luckily, you are not, I gather.

8% of our total monthly income

So 8% between a number of children is really not that crazy. I actually think it’s weird to begrudge such a small number.

2.5% of your income on each child and you’re making this whole big thing out of it?
I would really consider what it is about your children and your relationship that is making you feel like 2.5% of your income to help your children is something you have an issue with, particularly when you can’t really vocalise what the issue is.

To put it in context if your monthly income is £6k it would mean giving your child £150 a month each.

If you were to divorce, how much of this joint income would you actually get - considering he has cashed in on the lump sum from his pension and is also receiving his pension monthly.