DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

[Femalefootyfan1]

I’m not sure if I’m the one being unreasonable or my DH so I’d appreciate some others opinions.
DH and I were having a conversation about our adult DC and he was saying how he feels financially responsible for them.
Our DC are all in their 30’s, one lives overseas, one is married with their own DC and one is single living in a property that we own mortgage free, paying us rent of around a third of market rental price.
We are already gifting them small sums each month and are actively seeking ways in which we can potentially minimise inheritance tax post 2027. Each of our DC’s have had financial support in the past and they all know that should the need arise that they need further help, we would look at how we could do that. We also help with regular childcare for our GC and health and location allowing, we would offer childcare for any future GC.
I disagree with DH on financial responsibility as they are all adults living independently, paying mortgage or rent, all working in good careers and managing holidays, bills, clothings, social lives etc and they all have savings too.
What do others think? Am I being unreasonable to suggest to DH that he should stop feeling so responsible or just let him continue to feel this way and I just keep quiet?
I should add, in case it’s relevant, that my relationship with our DC isn’t as close as the one DH has with them so I’m not sure if that’s clouding my judgement or not.
Of course I will always want to help them and be a support to them but I don’t feel we should be financially responsible for them in the same way my DH does.

That’s a small amount to work in the context of most people and yes it is onky you who benefits from the better hotel room as your husband isn’t bothered by it.

is this another example of why you’re not close to your children? Do you prioritise yourself over them given half a chance? There is clearly a back story here that I’m guessing doesn’t cover you in any glory.

@Cherrytree86 I know you said this as a joke but we know someone who allowed his mother to do this (and he wasn't short of cash before she did it). I asked him how his mother would be cared for in her old age - he said she wouldn't need care as he didn't know anyone else's parent who did. He's 40 and has a lot to learn, most of my friend's parents lived into their 90s and they definitely needed care and they were lucky to be able to pay for it - because the council provision was simply not adequate. <understatement>

That’s not the case though, OP had said she lives a better lifestyle than her young adult children, but they live a better life than the OP did at that age.

It would be quite uncommon for a parent to want their young adult children to struggle arbitrarily because they did 3 decades ago.

I am younger than you but I feel a lot more "responsibility" long-term for my currently early 20's/ late teenage children than my mum does for me, for example. She is currently trying to spend every penny she has to avoid leaving anything, whereas am very conscious that I want to be as generous as we can afford to be come house buying, grandchildren stages of our life.

Perhaps my attitude will change but I doubt it, I think its because life just seems so bloody hard for young people, and the world so scary, I almost feel guilty for having had them in the first place sometimes which really is mad I know. I don't want them to ever feel like "you're 18 now, not my problem" like I did.

I’m similar, I would feel like I’d failed as an adult. However that’s probably a me problem and linked to a dysfunctional childhood which h has made me hyper independent such that if they did offer money I’d hear “Jesus you are useless” even if that wasn’t meant.

I think this can be a problem Op. We are in a very similar situation to you. We have 4 grown up kids who all earn very well indeed. We consulted our FA and he advised us to gift our kids out of surplus income as we see fit. We pay for family holidays and meals out and give large gifts at Xmas to each couple.

However, we do not feel financially responsible for any of them. We have no idea if one or both of us will need care in the future.

At their ages we were nowhere near as financially comfortable or as savvy as they are. We paid for weddings, university and cars, house deposits and they have all done very well on the property ladder. We feel we have set them all up well and they will inherit equally.

We now take income on which we need to pay 40% tax, because why wouldn't we? We have both worked hard and want to enjoy life. Our children are happy for us to do that.

I would sit down and talk it through with your husband and reach a position you are both happy with.

Maybe that’s your parents, but good kind parents who chose to gift their children are not giving a negative message of you’re a failure, surely that would come if you needed the money to survive or asked for it. Also, well if you were a failure in your mind or theirs.These kids put it In Isas and save for their futures,

Did his mother have full capacity?

Woah @TorroFerney this sounds very unhealthy and no wonder you wouldn’t want a penny from people like that

My dad and my FIL still help us out financially.

They are both retired and have money stashed away (their words) and they both say they’d rather see it be used to help make our lives smoother and easier now, than it come to us as an inheritance 25 years down the line.

No.
We help out our own adult children ... both are working. One lives elsewhere, one is still at home.
We pay for car repairs, replacement white goods if something breaks and bung them a couple of hundred each month.
That pays Uni loans and goes towards saving for mortgage deposits.
Times are hard. Money goes nowhere and we are more than happy to ease things for them.
They appreciate it. They dont ask.
Can't understand why people would let their kids struggle if they could do something about it.

What would you want to change about what you provide now? Some help is normal especially if they’re in tough times. but it’s not real life to still rely on the bank of mum and Dad for many things.

Not all adult children are ‘struggling’

I would hope Andy Burnham doesn’t read this thread, my god he will be coming down on this hard. Due to a lack of fairness or equality, compared with those less affluent. I can see this being the new frontier of taxes tbh

Didnt say they were?
Mine are not struggling... we still assist. Because... why not?

If the money you are gifting your DC is surplus income, you do need to keep really detailed records to prove this is surplus income in case you weren't aware.

I am going through parents records at the moment to see what income can be declared as out of surplus income (parents were very generously paying a small monthly sum into a pension/ISA for each of their grandchildren). This has been ongoing since the first grandchild arrived (over 20 years). This is primarily to see if there's any additional that can be gifted out of income over and above what is already in place as part of their IHT Planning.

The financial advisor threw the first draft back at me as it was estimates of what they spent on food, entertaining, holidays and income and said it needed to be accurate (ie. going through every statement for the last 7 years, breaking everything down into categories to prove the money is surplus income). He's had several clients recently (or rather their executors) that have needed to prove this level of detail to HMRC to prove the money is surplus income and has been incredibly stressful and time-consuming for them whilst they are grieving for their loved ones.

It's taken a huge amount of time to pull together (and something we will need to keep up to date going forward).

I know in theory it may not seem relevant but I think how generous you both are is relevant. What sort of % of income are you giving away?

Regarding your standard of living do you still really have plenty to do what you want ?

You are already supporting them, above and beyond and they know they can rely on you if in need. Thats amazing and healthy

Indeed, as I said it's a me problem. Luckily it isn't a thing that troubles me in any event, husband and I are "affluent" according to my mother and consequently it's me who pays if we go out. We are a lot better off than my parents though so again that is a different situation to many others on here.

No I’m sorry once my children get jobs I’m not their bank anymore. First cars, mortgage deposits, grandchildren and weddings are different, I will definitely contribute to them. I’ll also provide as much childcare for my grandchildren as possible. But everyday life is on them

I’m not going to argue the toss about who benefits more from a better hotel room.

I don’t prioritise myself over my children, if I did, I wouldn’t have agreed to gift money. As for a back story, there’s no abuse, neglect, dysfunction or anything like that and whatever back story you think there might be, is not relevant to this thread and is no-one else’s business except mine, is that ok?

' I wouldn’t have agreed to gift money. '

Your husband didn't and doesn't need your agreement, as these gifts are coming from his pension.
You have already said you wouldn't be able to afford the bills etc. if you were to live on your pension.

Tho you are the one resenting the 3 star hotel rooms that are being afforded by his pension.

It really depends on how you are looking at this - perhaps you and hubby are looking at this from two different view points. Is it supporting DC or perhaps is it future planning to mitigate future IHT liability.

I think all parents feel an element of responsibility for their children, regardless of how old their are (I know my Nan in her 90s still felt responsible for her daughters!). However, all parents would worry less if their children are financially independent and secure. It sounds as though your children are investing rather than frittering it away - and potentially these funds could be accessible for them to support you in old age should the need arise.

With the changes to IHT coming in next year, a lot of people are looking at the value of their investments/property and how much IHT their estate would be liable for, especially with pensions forming part of their estate. If they are not spending it themselves, most people would prefer to see the money they've earnt benefit loved ones and charities rather than HMRC.

JFC, the incomes that come into our joint account is OUR income and we agree on what it is spent on, from the food shop to what we spend on a holiday. The small pension that I receive, it’s agreed between us that I use it for haircuts etc. I’m not going to continue to explain myself.
When I used a 3 star hotel room as an example, I didn’t expect it to become a stick to beat me with.
We have been married for well over 30 years and how we spend our JOINT income is and has always been agreed between us.

Depends if they are expecting it/asking for it or are getting it given because of tax purposes and they are either saving the money or using it to pay down their mortgage or gambling it away with nothing to show for it