AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Deleted with my apologies to this OP - I confused her with someone else. She is not the person I was referring to, unless she name changed but there's nothing to suggest that. Fully withdrawn.

Yeah, that occurred to me. Still, I should give the benefit of the doubt.

Thing is I don't think a lot of affairs are just a need for something a bit exciting, I think the issues are deeper than that, how many affairs are men who have become fathers and can't.cope with domesticity and a knackered wife! The friend I spoke about in my earlier post who cheated on his wife a number of times is an example of somebody who found himself married and having kids in early adulthood and in much older adulthood is always trying to regress with not just the affairs but guess out drinking like an 18 year old yet is mid 6Os now!

Some years back I reunited with a childhood friend and she had a young son and toddler daughter at that point and the partner kept insisting on going to his work shift earlier than his hours and it turned out he was having an affair with his female boss, their relationship went really bad in the end because at one point he even wanted to leave her with the kids to.go and work in Saudi.

What strikes me is that he stuck around with his wife for at least 2 years despite being supposedly very unhappy.

Then he meets someone and decides to make the leap.

Classic spineless cheater. Needed another woman ready and waiting before wrapping it up with current wife

A lot of people can’t stand the idea that karma isn’t a real thing. Good people can do bad things and carry on with their lives. For that matter, bad people can do bad things and get away with it, sometimes forever.

I wouldn’t worry about it OP. Life is messy. People fuck up. Good things grow out of the mud. It sounds like you have a nice life and a happy family.

My mum had an affair with a colleague of her new husband. She left her husband (my biological father) before their first wedding anniversary, whilst pregnant with my sister. She and the affair partner married as soon as her divorce was finalised and he adopted me. They were very happily married until his death 30 years later.

This is very common IMO. Men don't voice their dissatisfaction until Luscious Lil (10 years younger with legs up to her neck) comes along.
Then they start re-writing history and it's selective memory in action.

My exH told me"You were too independent, I couldn't do anything for you" - This was the man who couldn't work the washing machine or take a dirty coffee cup out and put it in the sink.

"I didn't get enough affection" This was the man who pushed me away at night when I tried to cuddle up.

etc.etc. When you've got someone who's only on a nodding relationship with the truth, you can't win.

I don't think the person who's not in a relationship is the cheat. OP was single. Her now DH was married and made vows to someone else.

I do wonder how many people here (not just this thread but MN in general) banging on about karma actually believe in it and the belief systems it's part of. Although I saw the most shocking invocation of it a few weeks ago, one that actually shook my faith in humanity (which was on shaky ground to begin with.) I reported it (hopefully I wasn't the only one) and it got deleted (thankfully.)

Love a bit of karma.

This thread is hilarious, people have affairs all the time, 15 years later OP is happily married. Im.sure her husband and his ex wife wouldnt have stayed together anyway.
I mean over 40% marriages end in divorce anyway.
Glad you happy OP

Hi ‘real’ family? That made me laugh.

You don’t have to stay with the wrong person just because you met them first! I don’t condone lying and having affairs but it’s ok to split up if a relationship is not working.

It isn’t always obvious!!!!!!

Oh it is, we just don't want to see it.

I spoke to a colleague about his affair once purely because when I started working there I noticed some tension between him and other colleagues and wondered why. Turned out he’d had an affair with a PhD student (not one he was supervising) some years before who he’s still with to this day and about to marry. Colleagues are wary of him as a result because they have their principles regarding lecturers who sleep with current or former students. I understand this with current students for obvious reasons and much much younger ones, it is sleazy and unethical. I think she’s 15ish years his junior but they’re still together and seem happy enough so not my place to judge.

He explained his wife pressurised him into having a child after previously both agreeing not to have them. Their son was then profoundly autistic. Their marriage was in a bad place, he wasn’t sure how to get out because he felt so guilty leaving his DS behind in any way. The student provided escape from it all. He wasn’t proud of it but it had happened and he couldn’t change it. I don’t think people should continue to be held in a state akin to purgatory over a mistake made years before.

A student, 15yrs his junior oh but his wife didn't understand him and made him have a dc. How very original.

What a creep. He deserves all the judgement he gets.

Unfortunately I do not think they are all doomed. Having supported a very close friend through her husbands affair and her subsequent divorce I think it’s a shame. I judge the person that made the vows or is a long term partner and the affair partner.

No I don't think all relationships that began as affairs are doomed. I think affairs happen for a variety of reasons, some people have multiple affairs, some have an affair because they're unhappy and have basically already checked out of the marriage.

@Sartre I don’t think people should continue to be held in a state akin to purgatory over a mistake made years before.

Oh FFS are we still pushing this "My affair was a mistake" crap?

Affairs aren't mistakes. Mistakes are forgetting to put out the wheelie bin for bin day or leaving your car keys in a shop.

Affairs are calculated, deliberate, chosen actions were two people make a conscious, selfish, decision to 'get together' with the express purpose of deceiving a third party. They involve planning, lying and gaslighting the third person who may be desperately trying to fathom out why their spouse/partner is behaving oddly.
Both are guilty, not just the 'attached' partner.

The fallout can wreck the lives of families and children and continue for years after the narcissistic pair have moved on. They are emotionally abusive.

I know of at least one couple who met through an affair and they have the most wonderful life together. They seems super happy and have kids and a grandchild now. Also, my dad and step mom were cheating and many years later they are very happy. Their previous relationships were awful.

you might be right but I personally did not know these were ‘signs’. I had it in my head that ‘nobody was perfect’ as I certainly wasn’t!

I also did not live with him before getting married. This was the biggest mistake of all on my part. Thank goodness things have changed in the last 20 years and I don’t have to just accept it, I can make like a tree and leave.

Of course people who have cheated together can end up happy together.

If either of them has a moral compass, then perhaps not, because the guilt would probably get in the way and they would struggle to respect each other. But if neither of them is really the type to care about the impact that they have on other people, then for as long as they continue to meet each other's needs, then I'm sure it can work very well.

I know a guy who was married and so so unhappy, his wife had a lot of issues and there was no happiness there at all.
He tried to separate but it was so hard and he met someone else and had an affair. His family, although didn’t like his wife as she had always been so mean to them and to him, were devastated at his behaviour. They didn’t talk to him for ages. I would say a year!

But I met his sister there lately and this is a few years later and she said he is currently so very happy, he is a completely different person, his new partner is the right person for him but he went about it the wrong way.

Leaving judgement and morals aside, for me personally it wouldn't work. I am very laid back and trusting and thats important to me. I have a lot of good male friends and am comfortable with my partner having female friends but if cheating had ever been a feature I just wouldn't be as relaxed and it would make me act out of character - there would always be that suspicion, knowing they were capable of and willing to be unfaithful.

That said i do know people who got together this way and seem very happy and secure - whether they really are who knows but they've certainly been together a good while and on thd face of it they seem to be.

I also know people who have stayed together after an affair on one side and it is a really hard thing to do. Even years later the suspicion levels are high, seeing how it affects them I wonder if its worth it but they seem to think so.