AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

I've often thought this. MN is very much "it's totally fine if you just end your marriage first". But if my husband tells me today that he's fallen in love with someone else and he's leaving, and I suffer everything that follows from that, I can't see how I'd feel any better if he waited until after that conversation to sleep with her. What would the actual difference be?

I think a lot of it depends on were you with them wrong person so you had an affair vs are you just the sort of person who cheats. Apparently about 50% cheat at some point, but I'm guessing most aren't the type to have endless affairs. So I don't think people should do it, but it does definitely work out sometimes. Even the argument that you cause hurt to the cheated on partner, if you leave them without cheating that can also cause a huge amount of hurt. So while I don't think people should cheat, I basically acknowledge that life is complicated and messy.

@ThatCyanCat having your right to informed sexual consent removed and put at risk of STIs is a trauma in itself! You would avoid this. I was triggered for a very long time by stupid moments that reminded me of when I was shopping for treats for him while he was ‘working late’ and then finding out what ‘working late’ entailed and then the realisation of all the times we’d had sex when he’d been near her during the day. It matters. Believe you and me. Sexual betrayal trauma is very real for those who have experienced it.

@OtterlyAstounding "So your male friend hugged you, you both (I assume?) wordlessly indicated you felt chemistry, and then without even speaking to you, he went straight home and told his wife he'd fallen for you, so was leaving her?"

Can someone pass me the salt-cellar please, I need a pinch of it !

No morals at 25 is worrying. Your parents must’ve failed. At 25 you’re an adult, you knew right from wrong. It’s an excuse sorry

Pretty much, yes. In reality they’d been having trouble for a long time and had been having couples’ counselling etc, so it wasn’t like a bolt from the blue. I’m sure he saw it as being honest and honourable but it was quite brutal.

I think men usually don’t leave unless they’ve got a replacement lined up. I didn’t want to be that replacement and made sure he was able to be by himself before anything happened between us. Being truly honest, if it hadn’t worked out between us I didn’t want to be stuck with him out of guilt. Luckily it did work out eventually!

You expect us to believe this?

The next time I saw him he told me he’d gone home and told his wife that he’d fallen for me, and left. He wanted to be with me. I was actually really pissed off that he’d put me in the middle of all this drama even though I had strong feelings for him too.

what a complete a total prick
to both his wife and the OW

That’s exactly what happened, but as I indicated above I think he was looking for a reason to make the break, and that was enough of a reason for him. We both knew when we hugged that day that something had changed and there were strong feelings there. Every other time we’d hugged goodbye it had just been a friendly hug but it was very different.

It makes no difference to me if you do or you don’t, it happened. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What a complete twat he was

to you and his wife

shudder

It's just a risk isn't it. You already know he's a proven liar and a cheat so as others have said when he's bored or 'unhappy' he may well do it again. Probably already has.

If it did happen, your husband sounds like an utter prick

Yup.
Here we have a man who can't take responsibility for his own actions and has to have a co-conspirator to share the blame.

These men are no "catch" they are just weak and pathetic.

My exH took his OW to a hotel on the pretence of going away to see a football match. When I found out and asked him why he did it and spent our money on this trip he said "She said we needed to get away from it all".

I was dumbfounded.

But that’s proving my point. People say if you’re unhappy you should leave the marriage before starting a new relationship. That’s exactly what he did, but it’s just as bad as having an affair.

The only way to be ‘honorable’ is to stay in an unhappy marriage, which isn’t great either.

He had a hug with you

and the next time he saw you he told you he’d left his wife because of you

You were understandably very pissed off

What a truly gross man 💐

"But that’s proving my point." No it isn't.

"People say if you’re unhappy you should leave the marriage before starting a new relationship."
Yes, but you should own your own shit and not make someone else the excuse for your choices.

"The only way to be ‘honorable’ is to stay in an unhappy marriage" That's pants, and you know it.

My mother had an affair with a married man - my 'I'm so much better than everyone else' mother - he left his wife and they were together until he died 41 years later.

I agree with the OP - it is not ideal, but sometimes young couples are not suited, but then their life choices make them stuck.

I have found that most wrong situations have a way of not working out.

I have a friend who married her affair partner and they’ve had a happy relationship for years.

They've been together so long that I actually forgot about them until just now, but a friend's mother started sleeping with her now husband (he was a widower) before she officially ended her marriage, which was absolutely moribund and had been for years. They've now been married to each other for longer than her first marriage (I don't like to compare to his because they were very happy and everyone expects they'd still be married if she'd lived).

They are awful parents and really selfish and unlikeable people; only one of their five combined kids (they have none together) still speaks to them. In that sense, they're rather suited. The adult kids don't resent them for the affair, but there's plenty of other stuff.

He left his wife because of a hug with you.

This made me laugh.

And you married him.

What if he hugs someone else? 😂

I’m not defending him, but it was more “We’ve given this our best shot and it’s not working. I’m really sorry but I’ve developed feelings for someone else and it’s shown me that it’s definitely over between us” rather than “I’m leaving you for a mate I’ve never even kissed and it’s her fault”.

@Freshfromthefight "We both knew when we hugged that day that something had changed and there were strong feelings there."

Or alternatively "We realised there was something big and meaningful developing between us "
Or "We knew at that moment we were twin souls that should never be parted and we set about shaping our mutual destiny"
Or "He realised that ours was an unspoken love that should not be denied and he decided to make it a reality"

Listen up OP, Mills & Boon are looking for writers for their mushy crappy romances novels, have you thought of applying ?

In sn earlier post you said 'all men are the same'. They aren't. A leopard doesn't change its spots.
I think you are very naive if you think he doesn't shag around behind your back when temptation and opportunity presents itself.

They might have been together 41yrs later but I'd bet a tenner one or both will have cheated again. The first time cheats maybe leave marriages and set up new homes etc, then they learn how to have their cake and eat it. It's a mindset, feel bored so seek a thrill. They just get better at the lies.