AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

You’re really making stuff up now. I never said either of us thought it was destiny or soul mates or anything like that. We just realised that we were attracted to each other, and the feelings were deeper than just good mates.

He didn't cheat on her no, and nor she on him...

The narrative isn't being proven I'm afraid.

Fact is after one hug

the next time you saw him, he bowled up to and told you I’ve finished with my wife because of you.

And you were very pissed off

so it is is bizarre you’re trying to convince us this man is anything other than vile

Almost as bizarre as going on to marry him

Ah well,
It seems the subtle nuances of English Lit doesn't float your boat.

My parents met when my Mother was married (to an abusive arsehole but married nonetheless). They got married when she was pregnant with me and are still married. I am 44.

He sounds utterly unhinged, honestly. And he really screwed you over by giving his wife reason to think you were having an affair. But if you've been married for 20 years, I suppose he must have some good points!

Exactly the same situation here! My stepmum was my Mum’s close friend and a neighbour. It was hideous at the time and they always lied about how they got together, even to her kids. However, they were absolutely devoted to one another and a perfect match for over 30 years. My parents’ marriage was awful, they were not suited at all but my Mum was devastated all the same. I struggled with my Dad’s behaviour and the lies, especially at the time.

I think the difference is that you have informed consent about your sexual health. If you are in a non-monogamous relationship unknowingly, your right to choose whether to engage in sex on that basis is removed.

It's possible for it to end well. Sometimes an affair begins because the two parties feel like they found the one, and they're so thrilled to be together. The deception was out of character and not their usual way of doing things. It works out.

I think it's quite rare though. To be capable of having an affair you need to be capable of a certain level of deceit towards people you love or care about or have made a commitment to. I don't so much think it's as concerning if someone cheats and immediately confesses. The cheating isn't great, but there isn't deceit involved by lying to the partner for a period of time. They did it and then lived with the consequences. At least the betrayed partner knows what their relationship is, truly.

That kind of deceit needed to sustain an affair is a character trait that shows up in other ways. If you're capable of doing it once, it's in you to do it again. Clearly infidelity isn't a red line you would never cross. It's tolerable to you if it benefits you.

Ultimately if a relationship starts with lies then it's likely to involve them too, down the line... once a cheater always a cheater. It's a bed of sand to build a life on. But people do it all the time. Of course it may look like a happy marriage from the outside but only the individual knows whether they have been unfaithful or not, and there are many ways to cheat. You may think it's all worked out beautifully because you have no idea you've been cheated on. Maybe though if you were okay with the deceit to begin with it isn't that big a deal. Lie with dogs, get fleas.

I see this point, but I don't know how much difference it would make if my husband reassured me they'd used condoms, had checks, done other stuff but stopped short of things that could transmit disease and so on. It's good not to have to worry about that, definitely, but if he's still out of love with me, leaving for someone else and I and our children have to go through all the consequences of that... it's good not to have that added burden, yes, but I'd still have everything else and I don't know if I'd be thinking how wonderful it was that he was only going to start full shagging now.

I just hope I never find out.

I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat. Sometimes people marry the wrong person. No one who is happily married has an affair.

I think you’re either a person who’s willing to cheat on a partner, or you’re not.

My brother cheated on his first partner at least once - and guess what? He’s cheated on his current long-term partner who was the OW. I know because I saw him with another woman several years ago. I never said anything and they are still together.

I’m guessing it’s not the first time he’s cheated on her, but I don’t have any sympathy because she cheated with him in the first place.

I don't think that's true. My Mum cheated on her ex because she was endangered by him, abused by him and he was a rubbish partner/father. She hasn't cheated on my Dad.

If you cheat because you are deeply unhappy or in an abusive relationship, it doesn't mean you'll cheat once you're in a happy one.

Okay, keep your hair on. No comment from you was necessary.

I've never cheated or to the best of my knowledge been cheated on, but I have divorced after a long marriage.

I always find the point about cheaters lying to someone they love and care about an interesting assumption, because for the last few years of our marriage exh and I didn't love, care for or even particularly like each other. In fact for that time I resented him for " stealing the best years of my life" and saw marriage to him as actively preventing my happiness. I can therefore understand how if the opportunity had arisen for either of us the have an affair, we wouldn't have seen it as a betrayal to a loved one, as we didn't love each other at that point.
The same could be said of the lies told to the ex spouse affecting the future relationship, if the cheating partners were honest with each other they might not see the lies to someone else as a reason to distrust each other.

I'm old enough to know quite a few people who started out as affairs and in my experience a lot end in the first few years, but the ones that last 5+ years don't "fail" anymore often that any other relationships.

Yes, people who have cheated are more likely to do so again, however the figures are though to be around 40-45%, which isn't actually that much higher than the rates for the general population.

Why did you have sex with a married man?

Just because you wanted to, I think?

So if your husband had sex with another woman you’d say “fair enough” ?

‘it's good not to have that added burden, yes, but I'd still have everything else and I don't know if I'd be thinking how wonderful it was that he was only going to start full shagging now.’

It’s not just an added burden @ThatCyanCat it’s an additional trauma. And sexual betrayal trauma (it’s not just about STIs it’s removal of your right to informed sexual consent, we now have the language to explain this trauma) alone can cause mental health crisis in the form of anxiety and PTSD style symptoms. It’s why people suffer so badly (even if their spouse does not want to leave or has fallen ‘in love’ with another) after sex worker contact or ONS.

It is worse to find out your husband was sleeping with someone while you were married than if they just chose to leave. Both are painful but one has an additional traumatic layer to heal from.

FWIW I’m years from being cheated on now but even thinking about this is causing me to have a visceral reaction, I actually feel sick writing about it. It is hard to relate to if you’ve never been through it but it is very real.

Well as it turned out, no comment was necessary from you either 😂

My closest friend and her husband started as an affair (before I knew either of them). They were both married at the time, she had no kids but he had two. Destroyed his relationship with his kids and his ex hates him but they seem very happy and have been together for 20 years. They don’t really like talking about how they got together, I suppose because so many people got hurt by it, but I’ve never judged them for it. They are aware that their actions were not ideal and they could have handled it better but they’re very much in love and I don’t think it makes either of them categorically bad people.

I do wonder sometimes if his kids cutting him off from their lives was ALL about cheating on their mum or if there were other aspects of his parenting / their relationship that led them to that decision, but it’s not really any of my business.

The OP’s affair worked out for them, but they are still a pair of liars and home wreckers.

I know a couple of cheaters. I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them. You have to be a particular low level of human to inflict that kind of emotional, mental and physical scaring on another person and wreck their lives.

I know quite a few couples whose relationships started as a result of an affair and they’re still happily together now (we’re talking 20-30 years+). Actually thinking about it, I know more affair partners who are happily married to each other than I know of affair partners who got together and then broke up or are miserable together 😬

More than that –

• if your consent to sex with your partner is given in part on the basis that you're both monogamous,
• and your partner knows that you would not consent to have sex with them if they said they were having sex with someone else,
• then they both know you wouldn’t consent, and you're in fact unable to give informed consent,
• so ethically if not legally, any sex your cheating partner has with you, falls somewhere into the realms of rape.

Gosh. You certainly know a lot people who have cheated on their partners. I suppose it’s just the norm.

And not just that… all these people have confided in @DoughnutDreamer !