AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

[LivelyHazel]

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Yanbu. My grandparents started as an affair and were happily married for 30years, until he died.

This x 1000 - it needs to be said.

Some STDs cause painful problems in women that don't get picked up as quickly as in a man. They can impact on a women's fertility .

That's why cheating is sexually irresponsible.

"I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat" -
Neither do I but I'd sooner not take the chance, thanks.

"Sometimes people marry the wrong person."
I agree. But IMO the sensible and mature way of dealing with that is to acknowledge it and make steps to leave with the least disruption. Having an affair isn't the way to do it.
Having an affair in an attempt to solve marital problems is like fire-bombing your house because the kitchen tap's leaking

"No one who is happily married has an affair."
Untrue.
When I was divorced and dating I came across guys who were looking for some 'extra-curricular entertainment'. These were often contractors who were in my area for not very long. When I challenged them about why they weren't happy and felt the need to cheat, they denied they weren't happy, said they loved their wives, were happy with what they had and just wanted something different. ( ! )

Some even went so far as to say their infidelity made the marriage better.😮

Go figure 🤔

I'm not sure why so many people assumed he was lying to her from the outset. I thought the OP's first post made this really clear.

Again - nobody can say someone hasn’t cheated in a marriage unless you are literally talking about yourself. You may never know if a partner has cheated let alone what goes on in siblings, parents, friends marriages. Most people don’t tend share that they cheat on the side.

Gosh you seem surprised that at 45 yo I’ve come across other human beings.

Confided? They’re numerous friends’ parents and it’s out in the open and common knowledge as they’ve been together for donkeys years.I’m sorry I’ve burst your bubble that cheaters never prosper 🤣

We met on Tinder and had a one night stand, he fucked off that’s why I’m a single parent.
We met in a bar black out drunk.
Oh yes he was my bffs boyfriend.
He was my bosses bosses boss.

Theres lots of things people don’t tell their kids nor would their kids tell their parents how they meet their boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes less is more.

So many cheaters. Statistically significant number no doubt.

The trouble is that for some people, cheating becomes an addictive need. A friend of mine who I have known for over twenty years (we worked together and always kept in touch via text and email) has cheated on his wife numerous times over the years! It was like he couldn't help himself! At one point he had a woman living out in Benidorm that he used to visit at night once his wife and kids were asleep in the hotel, i remember him getting panicky because the woman in Benidorm started clingy and ringing him when he was back in the UK. Then at one point he was doing a woman from his work in lay-bys and his wife actually found out and luckily never left him but he was broken man because he never wanted to lose his marriage and he was scared to death she'd leave him. I think he learnt his lesson after that but she still doesn't know how much he's really cheated on here.

Who want to start a relationship built on lies, deceit and hurting other people?

The number of people who cheat does call into question whether or not people in general are built for monogamy.

Oh boy, are we going to have the well-worn "monogamy isn't natural" argument for cheating again?

In today's society there are numerous choices of relationships for consenting adults.
There is monogamy, open marriages (that's an oxymoron to me but I'll put it in for the sake of completeness) open relationships, threesomes, swinging, polyamorous relationships, bisexual relationships, gay, lesbian, and celibate relationships.
If people want they can live in a commune where they can f*ck about all year and then share the kids out at Christmas.

My point is that monogamy isn't compulsory.

If people don't want monogamy then that's fine - but then they shouldn't sign up for it. And they shouldn't lead others on to think they support it.

If people sign up for it then find they can't keep to it - fine but then be honest and tell the other party and give them an informed choice as to whether they want to stick around before they starts sharing bodily fluids with others.

Being dishonest/witholding such pertinent information can put your partner's (or partners') health at risk.

Yeah I suspect it's much more common than people realise. Most people when asked how they met their partner, don't voluntarily say "well we met at work but we both had long term partners so it was an affair really".

I do know several people who's relationship started as an affair - my old boss had an affair with her now husband for 20 years until he left the wife and married her.

As I said up thread, my maternal grandparents were an affair partner. My paternal great grandmother was the side piece of her partner.

One of my mum friends is now married to the person she has an affair with.

I know equal amounts of men and women who have cheated, it's just the men are less quiet about it.

I have also cheated in the past, although not on DH. I do sometimes wish I could have sex with someone else (not a specific person) as I quite like that first flush feeling. I love DH though and wouldn't want to hurt him, so I don't.

@Buggeroffboss "I know equal amounts of men and women who have cheated, it's just the men are less quiet about it."

Well, all I know about is many silly women who have had affairs with married men and have wasted their lives hanging around for these pathetic guys to jump one way or another.

They denied themselves a committed relationship and/or marriage and children.

One girl I know had an affair for 25 years (yes you read that right) with a spineless man who said he couldn't leave his wife because he was a Catholic.

Another spent 14 years in such a relationship and then he went on to get divorced and marry someone else.

It isn't always a ticket to happiness, despite what you read on these pages.

I think of they feel they wasted their lives then that's very sad for them. I do know of people who have been the side piece in an affair and were happy with the arrangement as they didn't want to settle down and wanted to keep things casual. I do know people like you described. I'm not saying affairs are a good thing, just that they come in many shapes and sizes and some end well and some don't. Someone always gets hurt though.

@Littlepurpleridinghood I reckon it is worth discussing when you’re talking about 20-25% of all adults. Having more money increases the chance of infidelity. The more opportunity and means people have the less likely they are to be faithful. Just saying ‘be good’ doesn’t seem to be working well.

@Sinkysocks "I reckon it is worth discussing when you’re talking about 20-25% of all adults."

So who has collated these figures and where have the samples come from ?

@Buggeroffboss There's nothing wrong with temptation and I understand sexual temptation. It's the giving in that's wrong,

"I do sometimes wish I could have sex with someone else (not a specific person) as I quite like that first flush feeling"

Every time I see Viktor Orban on the TV I start thinking impure thoughts. I certainly have enough money for a plane ticket to Hungary., but I suspect there would be a lot of problems getting through security.....

There are various studies @Littlepurpleridinghoodwhich I’m sure you can find but the numbers hold up broadly. You can start here with this high quality peer reviewed American study if you want to go down the data rabbit hole. This found 23% of men overall had been unfaithful in their marriage.

Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., & Jacobson, N. S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 735–749.