WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

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We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

Thank you for the advice.

It’s him who wanted me to be a SAHM, and for us to have ‘this’ lifestyle as opposed to it being me demanding things of him!
Well here's the time to no longer do what he wants, that's great!.

And if you were prepared to accept dropping your standard of living before, why are you so pissed off at having to do so now?

Can someone who knows better than me explain how this ISN'T financial abuse??

Sorry you are going thru this op. Sounds horrendous .

OP has posted several times since first asked about the "school fees" but isn't choosing to answer

The whole thing sounds dysfunctional and transactional.

The life style you want is not one that you can afford, with a flighty, financially irresponsible DH, a shit load of debt and no income of your own.

If she doesn’t have access to all the accounts to have an overview than how can she? Financial deception isn’t that uncommon, it isn’t hard to believe that a wife would have no idea if they are kept from it. It is a take as old as time.

But being the one running the household you had to know how much you spent every month on the household? This isn’t a case of him running up £150k on yacht gambling cruises with free flowing cocaine and hookers. This debt was built because both of you did not communicate openly and transparently about money and budgeting.

I'm sure you're "trying to maintain anonymity" but too much doesn't add up.

you "manage the household" but had no idea what money was coming into the household.

you're paying school fees for kids who don't go to school

you never wanted a fancy lifestyle or to be a SAHM bit haven't made any efforts to work.

you know you have 150k debt but haven't made any adjustments to your lifestyle despite being the one who manages everything.

Yes, you should divorce him. If that's your first thought when he says this rather than a concern for how bad things must be for him the relationship is doomed. Good luck managing going from 10k a week to about 1k a week in benefits. Why have you continue d to be a SAHM when you are in so much debt?

You’ve had a long spell of being able to be irresponsible financially. You personally, OP. You’ve chosen to have nothing to do with the realities of funding your family and meeting your wants. No. He may well have withheld info from you regarding his earnings because you have evidenced your view it is nothing to do with you. You’ve been behaving like a child.

He’s been a (bad) adult, you’ve been a thoughtless adolescent.

If DH said that he wanted to fine a new job, and that this new job paid less money that meant we needed to drop our lifestyle, then I’d be completely supportive ok with that.

I’m not ok with him having a tantrum and throwing the towel in meaning that we have 0 income.

I wondered this too OP.

I have to say the communication between you both sounds terrible.

I would ease off berating him for leaving and focus on trying to get him talking about a way forward. He will be acutely aware money dries up, and arguing over the situation is a waste of energy that you both need to apply to moving forward.

Someone has already asked & you didn’t answer , but you have 2 children under 5 so how do you have school fees ? I’m smelling a rat here with this story, too many inconsistencies 🤔

I suppose you are the one holding the fort at home while he is doing all the highflying which he couldn’t have done if you were not supporting him by keeping the home operation running smoothly. That is fair.

What is unfair is assuming either of you can carry the home or finances load on your shoulders alone, you both can be burned out while the other is operating as if there was no problem on the other side.

But before you decide to join the ranks of women divorcees consider these:

• Your earning potential: He may find another job quickly but you might not especially if the responsibility of taking care of the kids fall mostly on you.
• Whether you have 2 children or 25, the maximum he is legally obliged to pay in child maintenance is 20% of his net income and that is only if your children don’t spend any nights with their dad. You can get more if you fight this in court but after a year of an order being made either of you can contact CMS and revert the payments automatically to what I mentioned above.
• You cannot keep the house if you cannot take the mortgage on your own
• courts will try to leave you both on an equal footing, he will never be expected to keep paying your mortgage if that leaves him unable to house himself at a similar standard. So say good bye to your house unless you have the money to buy him out.
• If he decides to go high executive again and doesn’t have time to see the kids… there is nothing you can do to force him to take them as agreed.
• You might battle against all the above if you have the money to sustain that battle. You may get support for a few hours of legal aid but that is nothing compared to the solicitor and barrister costs he can pay can manage in court. I don’t regret spending £10,000s in divorce legal and court fees but it is something to consider before you start.

If his only failing is to want to leave after climbing so high in the hierarchy at work, I would suggest to play the supportive wife role, sit with him to talk about the issue and decide what steps you can take TOGETHER to reduce expenses / stress until he is in a better place.

Remember, you cannot flog a horse to death just because you overloaded the cart.

i don’t have access to the account in which bills are paid from
And had no interest asking about the new job, what was different, how much he was now earning?

You married his earning potential rather than him didn't you?

She runs the household. She knows how much is going out every month, she even said it herself how many k on this and that. The lower paid job for a bit was a blip. Even today she is way overspending for an income of £120k/yr. that’s not a pattern that evolves overnight.

I can’t understand why you’re getting so much grief about this. Your DH has been financially irresponsible repeatedly. He has placed you in a very difficult position without consulting you and as you say, he wouldn’t flourish if you suddenly decided you weren’t going to look after everything else.

The fact that you don’t know how much money is coming into your household is a huge red flag, especially when you rely on him. Whether you just decide to stay or go, that needs to change.

I quit a job without another one to go to. I was burnt out with the long hours and it was a toxic environment. I felt I had no choice, I couldn't carry on.

I didn't have children though, and I had lots of savings. It took me a while to get another job (gap on CV), and took even longer to get one at the same pay as the one I quit. I reckon it cost me about 30k.

When DH and I have struggled the other one has picked up the other. I was a mess when I left the toxic job and it was my DH that updated my CV and looked online for other jobs. He encouraged me to get back out there, and supported us both financially. When my DH health failed him, and he couldn't work (it was physical not mental, and involved several ops and hospital stays) I helped pay the bills. For the first two years of his chronic health condition he couldn't work at all (an insurance policy helped) and he has worked part time since then.

Tell him to have a sickie tomorrow and you'll try and figure something out, so he can keep going till he gets another job or you get a job.

No it isn't ok.

But i think it sounds as though he has committed to it or been sacked.

I don't think divorcing will improve things for you at this point.

OP, your marriage sounds full of stress and lies.
I'm so sorry.
Have you family to ask for help?
He is not to be trusted.
You need to seriously look at going it alone.
Total downgrade of lifestyle.
Sell the house.
Clear your debts.
Get back to work.
Ask family to help you.

He sounds seriously unstable and unreliable.

It is very tough out there recruitment wise.

He should get signed off by a doctor for a few weeks to look at his options.

He will bitterly regret making a rash decision.
I really feel for you.

She does know…£10k per month.
And she overspends, she’s the one that ´single handedly runs the household

The financial irresponsibility is on both of them.

Tell him to have a sickie tomorrow and you'll try and figure something out, so he can keep going till he gets another job or you get a job.

This is a good idea OP. But don't waste the sickie being furious with him. Use it to talk properly.

I thought exactly this - I think in protecting your anonymity, the facts don’t really stack up: how do you have school fees to pay, if you have a toddler and baby and you’re a stay at home parent?

Unless, you’re saving for future private school fees - in which case, could you use that to fund a contingency for now…?

TBF if you’re not happy in your marriage, you should get divorced. For me, my DH lying about his salary would be the deal breaker.

But I’d get financial advice before you make any decisions, not least because divorce and running two households is expensive.

How is it financial abuse not to share access to your accounts with your partner? I never have.

YOU have 0 income full stop to be fair.

And having a very luxurious lifestyle. You are unreasonable to be so judgemental when you expect him working and looking for other jobs while you are having your nails done. Or feeding your poney, or whatever hobby you might have.