WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

She also said both children are below school age.

Crazy.

One is about to start private school, so it all merges into one over the summer.

OP has never worked, but I'm sure she could find something to do from home or in the neighbourhood to contribute towards their debts, perhaps a few hours in Tesco or B&Q, cleaning etc.

Why are your children in nursery if you’re a SAHM ?
I was a SAHM and back then I used a little local playgroup for 2 short sessions per week for my child once they turned 3 years old which was 9 am - 12pm but from what you are describing financially you’re paying for full time nursery ?
And I only really did that because we had nobody to look after them and my DH worked away / worked long hours so he didn’t do any child care at all .
I did exactly the same for child #2 And child #3

Did any of your suggestions include you getting a job or retraining so he can work a less stressful job, or were they all centered around protecting your lifestyle while he carries on in a job he clearly hates?

I agree you should divorce him. He deserves to be with someone who takes into account his needs as well as their own.

It sounds like him saying you’ll “make it work” is a good opportunity for him to share all the family financial information with you so you know exactly how much both of you have in debt, savings and any money coming in - is he et least earning for a few months while he works his notice period? Then you need to discuss exactly how you’ll cut your outgoings: applying for state school places and giving notice on the private school place for your eldest, getting out of your car contacts and buying a cheap little run-around instead, cancelling any non-essential subscriptions and working out if you need to put your house on the market and what you can afford instead. He needs to wake up to the consequences of his decisions and not just keep spending as before and running up debt as he did before when he took the lower paid job. And in the future you need to be able to have access to all bank accounts so you don’t end up with a situation again of him running up debt without you knowing. If he’s serious about “making it work” he will agree to this

Lol, where'd I say ALL SAHPs don't have careers? I said many as is the case with OP who said she had no job before.

Obviously your sister is an exception. Most SAHPs are NOT giving up 6-figure jobs with 10+ years worth of schooling or training

Some of the posters on here are either being deliberately provocative, bat shit crazy or just plain jealous.
It's appalling and irresponsible behaviour from your husband to betray his family in this way. And the huge debt he ran up behind your back..wow..just wow..
This man is immature, selfish and untrustworthy and certainly not someone you or your young children can depend on going forward.
Twice he has badly betrayed his family and his family responsibilities. I would be incandescent with rage. Time for a very serious - laying it on the line - discussion. If he's not willing to take responsibility for providing for his family and behaves as recklessly and dishonestly as he has, then I would give serious thought about the future with this manchild.

Downsize. 1 car. Take your kids out of private school. Pay off debt quicker with less outgoings.

To get £10k a month and be struggling is fucking atrocious tbh.

Yes. You sound like a gold digger. Only interested in a relationship if someone can work themselves into a grave for you and help you pop out as many children, as possible.

Get off your backside and get a job. Don't just be a living reproduction factory in love with money.

I've just graduated in science, about to get a job promotion, work full-time, juggle my children, caring for my husband, and we have equally financially provided.

Then again, divorce him so he can find someone less spoilt.

I dont see him as being selfish but at the end of his tether.whicj if haven't worked a high stress dont I dont think anyone could understand.
Like I said earlier it makes sense thay you both have jobs which would bring in a decent income. Get a DMP for the debt and completely reset.
You absolutely do not need to be putting a five year old in private school.
If you want this marriage to work you both need to work together

This sounds like we only know the tip of the iceberg. To go immediately to divorce suggests this is the latest chapter in a much longer story. He sounds like he must be desperately unhappy/stressed in his job to just quit and give up so much money, but you don't seem to care about his happiness or mental health - maybe with good reason, we don't know.

I was a SAHM for several years. Mainly because we had no family in our area who could help out with childcare and there was literally no point of my working just to pay someone else to look after my children.

Mind you, I did start working part time, just to ‘get out of the house, have time with adults and my kids interact with other kids ahead of school.’

Men have burn outs as well as it sounds like your husband is fed up with his job and most likely the pressure placed on him to continue funding a lifestyle he clearly doesn’t want anymore.

The fact that your first thought when he says he wants to leave his job is to divorce is quite telling. I would completely resent my husband if I told him how I hated my job and wanted to leave and he would want me to continue because it inconvenienced him.

Being a SAHM is being in a little bubble. I never viewed it as a permanent thing because the kids grow up and unless you’re ok with going to the gym, walking the dog, hanging up some washing, popping to Tesco and starting supper at 4pm, there’s no reason for me not to get a job and contribute and relieve the pressure on my husband to be the be all and and all for the entire family.

This admin shit that MN bangs on about really gets on my nerves. I work full time, my youngest is 14 and I manage to do ‘admin’ within an hour every month. What is this admin? Doing the online shop? Registering a kid for football? Paying the credit cards? Calling the vets? Is that really considered a full time job?

Divorce, move out, get 50% (of the debts as well I imagine) and get a job. At least you’ll be in control of your life.

Whats she going to lay on the line though?

Keep paying for absolutely everything or I’ll divorce you!

She’ll then have to get a job and pay for everything herself as he doesn’t have any income.

Scrap the private school (for your preschool children), get a job, sell the house and get a house and car you can afford.

I know its controversial but I completely agree with this. I appreciate having a SAHP makes things easier, no worries about childcare, it’s good for the children and all that jazz but it really makes me roll my eyes when I see people saying he’s only able to have the career he has because you have facilitated it! Like come on, that’s not true is it, plenty of people have careers and have childcare. I mean if people are jointly agreeing to have SAHP, then great, the work they do should be appreciated and any money earned should be family money. But it’s a luxury and a privilege and if you see it as you sacrificing your career/self, then don’t do it.

None of this really makes any sense. On the one hand, the OP has a baby and a toddler, on the other hand the toddler is actually in reception going into year 1 and their ginormous debt can be explained by school fees, mortgage and car payments.
The debt should have never have become that high and they certainly should have gone for private schools with that crazy level of debt payments- especially not for reception. It’s probably not affordable if £3k is going out the door in debt.

That said, I could see how they’ve got to a place with no savings though if they’re doing:

3k mortgage (much higher than average but possible for a high earner )

3k mystery debt repayment including say £1k a month of car finance - still not clear where the rest of it came from
1k other bills
2k discretionary spending, kids activities etc
1k school fees

You've got yourself in a position where someone would need to earn £50k just to clear the debt each month.

I think there’s more to this situation than we know.

You’ve had some good advice OP. I hope you can sort this mess out between you. That’s a LOT of debt and we still aren’t sure the ages of the kids
( with regards to school fees ?)

OP you said this earlier:

We have two children both below school age… I have the pressure of looking after a baby and a toddler single-handedly

But now the toddler below school age is actually a 4yo about to finish reception? I think that's why people are fixating on the school fees.

FWIW I do understand of course how people live up to their income; but to have this gobsmacking income coming in and not saving at all is astonishing to me and very poor financial planning tbh. School fees or not, £3k of debt repayments or not, there's some spare cash there.

If I were you OP I would cut my cloth (so stop private school for a start, and trade down the car) and get that debt paid off. Unless your mortgage is like £3k a month, you could easily repay £5k a month, which would start to make a dent in the debt. I would actually pay even more. I don't think I could sleep if that was my financial situation.

Well obviously, I mean we aren’t going to know 1% about someone’s marriage from a post on MN!

@Bunnycat101 it’s VERY clear where the £3k monthly debt repayment comes from- the £150k in credit card debt!!

My friend used to work abroad a lot. When he got divorced he was dead set on 50/50 and lo and behold, was suddenly able to get a job with less travel.

Yes. You facilitate the travel right now.

Let me assure you, if he didnt have you (or the retired relative...), he would get a different job. Because he would have no choice.

I do wonder have bad the relationship must have been for the OP's DH to feel unable to discuss the situation with the OP. How awful to carry the huge weight of that secret and having to run up debt to hide the truth.Providing for the family is a joint responsibility but the OP seems unable to grasp that fact.

We have two children both below school age… I have the pressure of looking after a baby and a toddler single-handedly

But now the toddler below school age is actually a 4yo about to finish reception? I think that's why people are fixating on the school fees

20 quid says the DC is a 3 yr old in a preschool class of a private prep & op isnt saying this because she knows people will think its absolutely crackers spending that much when you are a SAHM with £150k of debt.

divorcing a man for not being employed... meanwhile you are also not employed?

Honestly, some of the vileness on here is unreal. Nothing like women jumping on the chance to shit on other women for having made different choices.

If this is real (big if), OP, you both sound immature. You're responsible for two children and he's throwing a juvenile tantrum disregarding his responsibilities and you're throwing an equally juvenile tantrum and disregarding your children's best interests.

He's run up massive debt in secret and you've either allowed yourself to be pushed out of all financial responsibility or chosen to look away from it.

You both need to grow up and take responsibility for your life.

And, judging by his salary, he works in either finance, law or tech. Tech is the only one of the three where it's not a terrible time to find a job. He should absolutely not walk away before securing something else.

You both need to talk. Book a baby sitter and go to a quiet restaurant and after a couple of glasses get stuck into why he wants to ditch such a well paid job. Try to persuade him to stay until you both have a few savings whilst you or he searches for a new job. Good luck

OP, if you've no access to the account that receives his pay, how do you know he hasn't lost his job already? He's already got form for lying to you about income and finances.