WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

Whatever happens I think you need to look for a job and get some financial agency. The breadwinner / SAHP arrangement only works I think if both parties understand and appreciate what the other one is doing and there is financial transparency. You don't have that - you don't appreciate his work pressures , and he has lied to you about his pay cut and got you into debt. I don't see why he gets to continue to have his own way about having a SAHP when he is that financially irresponsible, and you have no savings. You have been naive with this arrangement OP and you need to take back control whether that's as a single parent or with him but I would not be continuing as things are .

I don't know if you're not able to read, but I raise my children as a single mother.I actually don't know what you're talking about, and what I would say that shocks me, as you seem to not understand that women like me are doing this all over the country in our millions, it is perfectly possible to work and run your home.I don't know why it's not possible for you, but for many millions of us that is something that we are well able to do I do not know what you're talking about

It values it for no reason though, and no one believes it or sees past how illogical it is. It’s meaningless.

He imploded some time ago when he first lied about his income and the debt. Unfortunately the OP left him in sole charge of income and paying bills without oversight even after that, and now the shit is really hitting the fan. It's a bad situation for the OP.

Quitting such a highly paid job won’t happen on a whim, he obviously feels like he has no option. You need to be more supportive and not want to divorce him because he suddenly won’t be able to pay for everything.

Funnily enough the clue is in the name. The mother does need to do the childcare to get the best possible outcomes for the child.
That might not be a popular opinion, but it’s the hard truth

Who is your “they” then?

Because they chose that instead of working. They could work and then it would truly be 50/50.

because when there are obviously inconsistencies it suggests your not being honest.

people asked how you spend 7k a month
you said school fees. then said you didn't have kids in school.

even with them starting September, that doesn't explain how you've been spending 7k - 10k a month

who and what you therefore spend that money on may well be pertinent to the overall picture.

it also suggests you've either had years to save the equivalent money you'll now be paying out on school fees, or you could have saved that money previously or you can't afford school feeds.

and actually, you can't. you still have 100k+ of debt. That should be the priority, not keeping up appearances with private infant school

@TheFormerMrsTruelove I really don’t understand why some men are intelligent enough to rise up the ladder at work but are too fucking stupid to realise that their relationship with their sah wife is a partnership

Good old-fashioned sexism, my dear Watson! Despite many decades of feminism and gains in women's rights, an alarming amount of men persist in labouring under the illusion that women are lesser than men.

Except governments, all our societal structures that plan around it ~ work patterns, benefits, opening closing hours etc etc …I’m sure my whippet never gives it a thought so you are partially right 🤦‍♀️

You can feel as insulted as you like mate.

Yes - I provide those services out of love. But if I dropped dead when my kids were small my DH would have had to PAY someone else. Otherwise he’d have to give up his job, wouldn’t he? Or put the kids up for adoption? I mean, be real.

At NO point did I say I was superior. I am not. We are equal partners in the maintenance, protection and love of our children and home - just with different areas of control and responsibility. He could not have his job, the family and the home that he does if I were not here to facilitate it. He’d have had to remain a bachelor because we neither of us had family nearby (or in my case at all in the UK) who could support our kids and his career. It has in fact been expressly stated that the fact that he has a family has been an asset to his career and enhanced his management style as he is a staunch supporter of employees with family commitments. He wanted kids and a home, regardless of discovering how HR and management perceived him, so we consciously formed a partnership, which was sensible given both of our DC are AuDHD and have needed more support than most to navigate school.

And actually he expressly and publicly states that his career success is in a large part due to me, to the strength of our relationship and commitment, and given he fucked up his 2nd year professional exams and nearly quit the whole thing having never failed anything before and I literally took him by the scruff of his neck, sat him at a desk and made him get back to it... yes, he would not be doing what he is doing now if he had packed up and headed home. I was doing the same exams, btw. My educational and career background before kids was actually on a par, but we knew we had no help on hand and we neither of us wanted nannies and staff raising our kids. We made the decision as a team. I supported him and he has encouraged me - a BSc, MA and a PhD which I finish next year in the hope that I will be able to set up a charitable research foundation in my area of expertise. He cannot wait to laud the fact that his wife is a Dr, not a Mrs.

We are a success because we are a unit, we are together, we are united over the children, his career, our goals. He has a family, a stunning multi-million pound home (2 actually) because of the work I did procuring and renovating properties. Our net worth was a joint enterprise. We are what each of us is because of the support, love, respect and commitment of the other. HE SAYS THIS, not me. He would not have been driven to achieve without the family he wants to see financially secure, for the retirement dreams we have. He would not have felt he could take certain roles given the ages and needs of our children were it not for my reassurance that I supported him in doing so.

So feel insulted - perhaps you and your partner don’t love, admire, and support EACH OTHER as unconditionally as we do. Perhaps you, in your egocentric little bubble think you are the be all and end all, in spite of him/her? That they should be grateful you chose to share it with them? Who knows.

I know that I am grateful every day for his place in my life and that he feels the same way… because we are equals. Even if you don’t value the function women like me have had in the lives of our partners.

Im a women

I realise that and have just amended my post accordingly.

he might not be able to afford you to disappear into oblivion, but he could do his job just as well with you working a normal job. kids in childcare til you pick them up, kids in childcare once you drop them off. the idea that he can only manage if you never work is ridiculous. and I say this as a SAHM!

Well, if you follow the thread then you will see that the "they" in that conversation refers to stay at home mothers. If a mother chooses to stay at home then it's pretty logical that she will be doing the lion's share of housework and childcare because that is her "job". That is her contribution to the household.

There is an alternative route that mother's can take. Working.

OP can't afford to, though. So will have to figure something else out.

I don’t know why you think it’s acceptable to be so fucking rude to someone who was replying to a comment on your post. Which, I might add, was not the fucking easiest to make sense of.

You said But to me, if my wife ever said that the only reason I was successful in my career was because she stayed at home, I would be furious.It'st it's so insulting. I therefore made the not unreasonable assumption that you were a man who had had some success in his career. Funnily enough, I didn’t have sufficient interest in you to go through your posting history to discover you were a working single mum. But my point still stands. Whatever the sex of the sahp, they are contributing to the career success of the working parent. I’m not suggest in any way, shape or form that single parents aren’t working and running their home up and down the country. Of course they are. But you do not earn a salary of 10k a month doing strictly 9-5, Monday to fucking Friday and you do not get to have a successful family life as a single parent by working long hours and going to work in America for long periods. Have I explained myself clearly enough for you to understand now?

There is an argument that two working parents should split the family roles equally.
Would that work for you?
How much do you actually do at home to support your SAHM?
I am in an equal marriage, but was a SAHM for a time, and my DH was fully hands-on despite working.
I suppose what I am saying is be careful what you wish for; if you find it insulting to have your SAHM say that you are successful in your career due in part to her. Perhaps, rather than be insulted, you should reflect on whether there is any truth in that.

Sorry, there's nothing about what i've posted that indicates.I've got any problems with my relationship, and I deeply respect my wife, but as op to said she was going to be leaving her husband because she could no longer generate income.That's what she said, what you've said is a completely different segue into a different topic that no one discussed, and the person that seems to be insecure or driven by ego is you.Secondly, i'm not a unicorn.There's nothing special about me.There's many millions of women that work support their family and also raise their children.There's nothing special about it, it's literally what we do. There's nothing special about me earning my income.There's nothing special about any of it, but not me, not my partner would look at each other and say the only reason we are where we are is because they existed doesn't make sense. If you drop dead tomorrow, then your husband would become responsible for his household.Like many other people are like many single parents are nothing you're saying makes sense when it contacts reality.It's the idea that being a stay out home assigns some kind of nobility to you.No, that's not true.This is actually not what happened.It's not the stay at home, mumpart.It's the entitlement to someone else's income and the devaluing of what they bring and also the replacement of love, of a person for an expectation that for the rest of your relationship, you are financially supported by them.I would never sign up for it.I wouldn't want my children to sign up for it, and if my son said he was dating someone that was talking like this, I would be horrified.

Exactly. Imagine if OP said "I don't like being responsible for the kids and the house anymore. From tomorrow, I'm not doing any of that. I quit." What would happen if she followed through?

I made the same error too, Oops. But did nip back and correct before the edit function jinxed me 🤣

You are, i've, are you didn't have to go through my posting history?It was literally in my post, the one that you were responding to.You can't read and you're not very pleasant, so I don't really want to speak to you in a pleasant way.You can ignore my posts.By the way, you don't need to respond to me

I agree with you about debt but mortgages are a necessary evil even if you are on a fairly high take home.

Its affordability that matters, whatever the size of the mortgage.

You described the child as a toddler.

“Except governments, all our societal structures that plan around it ~ work patterns, benefits, opening closing hours etc”

are you seriously suggesting governments and all societal structures are based around your illogical way of turning parenting capitalist by attaching a pound value
to it?

how does a SAHM being worth £60k a year influence shop opening hours, exactly?