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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

611 replies

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:09

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · Today 17:44

Your current arrangement works only if all parties understand their responsibilities and your H clearly doesn’t. I can see how it once suited you both for you to be a SAHM but as you can see, it is a precarious endeavour with this type of individual.

This man is immature and self centred and even if he doesn’t quit this job, you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Divorce or no divorce, going forward you can not continue to be as blind as you have been to your family’s finances.

TheFormerMrsTruelove · Today 17:46

BeCleverViewer · Today 17:38

really weird side note .I'm not trying to freak you out.I don't agree with anything that you're saying, but I really like the way that you write. I can imagine fighting with you in the pub and then go and home laughing

Well that’s well and truly taken the wind out of my sails 😂 I don’t agree with anything you’ve said either, so shall we just agree to differ?

ThisOneLife · Today 17:48

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:42

No I haven’t ever gotten a job myself. We have two children both below school age.

I may not have the pressure of a job, but I have the pressure of looking after a baby and a toddler single-handedly and running a household by myself. I don’t think he has a high level of stress than I do.

I have previously found other roles he could apply to, made suggestions how to handle the situation at work, offered alternative view points, given him days to relax by taking the children away by myself Etc.

How have you school fees if the children are below school age?

BeCleverViewer · Today 17:48

TheFormerMrsTruelove · Today 17:46

Well that’s well and truly taken the wind out of my sails 😂 I don’t agree with anything you’ve said either, so shall we just agree to differ?

I spent a lot of time in my youth
Finding out exactly what to say to make a woman smile and stop a fight 😉

IslandKnitter · Today 17:48

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 13:55

I’m sorry, but he does not earn enough for a live in nanny who’d be prepared to work all hours. He has regular abroad trips for weeks at a time. You are nitpicking.

He won’t have regular abroad trips for weeks at a time if he has no job, will he?

Yellow2024 · Today 17:49

Maybe its time for you to get a job and then he can work a less pressured job so your monthly income stays the same.
One where he doesn't have to travel therefore childcare is juggle between you both.

IDrinkTeaAllTheTime · Today 17:49

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:17

We have been through this time and time again. I’ve offered advice, suggestions etc.

Do you mean he’s quit his job multiple times? Surely then it makes even less sense for you to be a SAHM. This makes you highly vulnerable if your husband isn’t able to hold down a job, but also at the same time, it’s really not fair to let the full financial burden fall on him. Maybe he’s trying in a bad way to make a point.

OvernightOats101 · Today 17:49

Anyahyacinth · Today 16:18

She is working 24/7

of course she's not. When she has to find a full time job, the difference will be obvious.

Scarlettpixie · Today 17:50

My ex husband did something similar when my son was small, he earned nowhere near what your DH does but did quit his job without telling me (he had been off sick prior to quiting). He also dabbled in share dealing and lost a lot of money and prior to that had racked up some secret credit card debt which affected his credit rating and affected our chances of getting a bigger mortgage.

Luckily although I only worked part time, I did work and I had some equity in the house I already owed so was able to buy bigger in time in just my name.

We separated for a time but did get back together. I wish we hadn't with hindsight.

If your marriage is to survive this, you need to insist on full transparency. He has lied before about your financial situation and will do so again. I am frankly astounded that in your financial situation regarless of how much he earns you decided to send you kid to private school! You cannot afford this. You need to move them asap. A lot of parents who do pay for private education don't do it during the early years, they look at doing it later at say age 9. If you do this now, you will save a small fortune and if your circumstances improve you can save to help pay the fees when they are older - obviously later on you will have 2 sets of fees to pay.

You also need to be involved in budgeting. Presumably some of this falls to you anyway being the SAHM but what is he spending that could be cut back? Can you reduce the car payments. He hasn't proven himself to be good with money so you need to really insist on transparency and sit down together and look at you incomings and outgoings? Presumably he will have to work a notice period so might get another job during that time, even if it pays less (my ex decided to go to uni instead and has never financially supported DS even though it took me a good few years to finally get rid of him).

If you get access to your finances, post on the money board for help going through them and making savings. Also Money Saving Expert has loads of useful advice.

Whatever happens with your marriage, start working on these things now as if you do split and especially if he has no (or lower) income, your lifestyle is going to have to change massively.

Have you never worked? I will just add that I don't think you can fully appreciate how much headspace a highly paid job can take up and how much stress it can cause if you haven't done it and even then, your experience could be different to his. He may just be at the end of his rope. I didn't mind that my ex husband had to give up his job, it was him not looking for another, burying his head in the sand re finances and expecting me to sort it and just generally being financially irresponsible that I found so hard. By the time we separated, I had a full time, decently paid job so DS and I have been just fine.

Good luck to you OP.

OvernightOats101 · Today 17:52

Backedoffhackedoff · Today 16:17

A slave to a job does not mean his employers treat him badly. However all the travel usually means he’s paid highly because the job is inconvenient, not because he’s highly skilled. Experienced accountants, lawyers insert other profession would not find it difficult to earn that sort of money without travel.

and he’s a slave to it because he has no other wealth- he’s not rich.

why do you think he resents travel?

You know many mums actually enjoy travelling for work too? Maybe they CHOSE that very job because it included travel?

because the job is inconvenient,
for you maybe, then don't take it?

and he’s a slave to it because he has no other wealth
what a strange way to put it. So are every other employees and self-employed people who need their paycheck to pay the bills.

IslandKnitter · Today 17:54

Anyahyacinth · Today 16:44

I guess you’d have to have experienced doing 50% then …to truly understand..how a SAHM lifts a huge load and frees the parent working outside the home

I’ve experienced doing 100% as a single parent working full-time and paying for full-time childcare. If you want a divorce, go right ahead and do 100%.

converseandjeans · Today 17:56

@justasking111

What??? Who’s nabbing whose money?! An agreement has been made that all are happy with?

But he obviously isn’t happy. I don’t know why you don’t work to help pay the debt. Lots of us work and sort our children, you don’t have to be SAHM if you have children.

It sounds like you are only interested in his earning capacity.

I agree with others that he might be leaving before he is pushed out. His wellbeing might be at risk. You should be supporting him to find something else.

Pistachiocake · Today 17:58

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:16

My immediate earning potential doesn’t cover our outgoings. He’s a hands off dad who wouldn’t know where to start.

He can learn! You had to while he was working. There's nothing wrong with the woman working while dad stays home, but that's the deal. Very few families can afford for mum and dad to both stay home, unless someone else pays.

FloofyKat · Today 17:58

I would want to have a very pointed conversation with him.
You want to leave your well-paid job. I get that you don’t like it and have been unhappy for some time. But what is your plan for keeping the bills paid and the debt serviced while you look for an alternative role?

He says … we’ll make it work.

How? How will we pay the mortgage, our energy bills, council tax, buy food, keep our growing children in clothes that fit and so on?

I would really push him on the logistics and emphasise that you are happy to support him but only if he has a proper plan, which should include looking for a new job NOW and ideally only quitting when he has an offer in place.

If he refuses to understand that these questions are eminently reasonable then I think you are perfectly entitled to tell him that you are seriously considering what this means for your relationship going forwards.

Scarlettpixie · Today 17:58

Just to add to my post above, I have no idea how you/he are burning through £10K a month, but then neither do you if you don't have access to all the financial info. Financial transparency really is key here. Him having such huge debt won't be helping his stress levels (or yours). Maybe you do need to consider downsizing - or even moving to a cheaper area if he is no longer tied to location due to work.

I am curious as to how much equity you have in your property. Would you have enough for a deposit each if you were to split sell and buy 2 smaller properties (particularly in a cheaper area) - and you get a job?

Redpaisley · Today 17:58

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:16

My immediate earning potential doesn’t cover our outgoings. He’s a hands off dad who wouldn’t know where to start.

Maybe he was hands off because he was working in a high income, high politics job. Give him a chance, he may figure out things at home. You can also increase earning potential with time.

Redpaisley · Today 18:02

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:19

It wouldn’t help the immediate situation. But he’s showing he’s someone I cannot rely on. Do I want to move forward like that or go it alone?

If you no longer consider his stress and limits and only see him as a source of income for family, then go ahead and divorce.

Sensiblesal · Today 18:03

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:42

No I haven’t ever gotten a job myself. We have two children both below school age.

I may not have the pressure of a job, but I have the pressure of looking after a baby and a toddler single-handedly and running a household by myself. I don’t think he has a high level of stress than I do.

I have previously found other roles he could apply to, made suggestions how to handle the situation at work, offered alternative view points, given him days to relax by taking the children away by myself Etc.

So someone who has never had a job is giving career advice to the man who brings home 10k a month😂😂

how you paying those school fees, cars and mortgage payments when he has no job & you can’t replace his income cos you have never had a job.

never mind though you can just leave him & will be fine now the gravy train has stopped.

better get on Raya find them kiddies a new hands off daddy to pay the bills

Enigma54 · Today 18:05

I haven’t read TFT but has OP answered the question about how they have school fees, when the kids are pre schoolers? Or does one of them have kids from a previous relationship?

Honestly, this reads like a Miss Marple
“ who dunnit “ case! 🤔

Backedoffhackedoff · Today 18:06

OvernightOats101 · Today 17:52

why do you think he resents travel?

You know many mums actually enjoy travelling for work too? Maybe they CHOSE that very job because it included travel?

because the job is inconvenient,
for you maybe, then don't take it?

and he’s a slave to it because he has no other wealth
what a strange way to put it. So are every other employees and self-employed people who need their paycheck to pay the bills.

I don’t think he resents travel. I’m Sure he loves being away on his own.

im responding to OP who thinks it’s impossible for him to earn £150k without business trips abroad for weeks at a time. When in fact, it’s obviously very doable.

we all know men who take jobs with lots of travel so they can avoid the family. They’re often high paid only because they don’t attract people apart from said men.

Bigcat25 · Today 18:09

Minervano1 · Today 17:37

Bringing home £10k pcm is over £200k pa gross...
To suddenly give up a job like that is, frankly, bizarre. Unless it's making him deeply, deeply unhappy or he's about to be sacked.

It is making him deeply unhappy though, he's basically said that. With their debt though, he'll have to tough it out while he looks for something else. May need to downsize the home, cars and private school and excess spending.

Enigma54 · Today 18:10

Bigcat25 · Today 18:09

It is making him deeply unhappy though, he's basically said that. With their debt though, he'll have to tough it out while he looks for something else. May need to downsize the home, cars and private school and excess spending.

Edited

The kids are preschool age. OP hasnt said where the school fees come from.

Doubledenim305 · Today 18:11

SleepingStandingUp · Today 12:15

well surely the answer is for you to get a job and let him pick everything up family wise?

what's the backstory to why he's got you in so much debt you're paying 3k a month in repayments?

Not sure where u live but where I come from you don't "just get" a £10k a month job. Don't know anyone who gets that. OP said they are £3k a month in bills.
If he's feeling down by his work he needs to sign off sick on full pay as long as he can. Have a rest and work stuff out. A plan.
Don't divorce him but don't let him throw in his job just like that either. U r right to be concerned. But he needs sympathy as well if he's struggling.

Bigcat25 · Today 18:11

Enigma54 · Today 18:10

The kids are preschool age. OP hasnt said where the school fees come from.

She has said one is going to yr one in Sept.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · Today 18:13

Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:36

Yes I think so. I have always felt I do far more than my fair share.

So I think him abandoning his bit feels like the last straw for me.

Easy for you to say isn’t it. You don’t have to stay in a job you hate, with his level of stress to keep you as a SAHM, living in a big house and kids apparently in private school. You think you’re hard done by, it sounds like he thinks he is. So he’s now at the point of burnout, which sounds like it’s a long time coming and you’re just like hmm I’ll divorce you then. Pretty gross to be honest. He’s only good for his money and you have no empathy for what he’s experiencing.

Realistically you’re going to be in an awful situation if you leave, no job, no CMS and out outgoings of 7k a month. Sounds like you should probably try and support your DH and come up with a plan to bridge any gaps

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