WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

They (Mothers) weren't claiming they were 'full-time Mummies' , totting up how much their 'labour' costs if someone was employed to do it, complaining about how hard it is or expecting to be treated the same as, or superior to actual workers. 'He gets a break at work, you never do' lol. If that's how it works, he's got 2 jobs since being at home with the kids is allegedly a full time job for a SAHM and he does it every evening and weekend in addition to his job outside the home.

And those Mothers didn't have much choice about having kids or how many, didn't have the modern conveniences to make life easier like dishwashers, washing machines, grocery deliveries, convenience foods and takeaways.

The idea that their descendants with their extremely easy lives were complaining about having a couple of kids they CHOSE to have, making up issues like 'the mental load' and expecting to be 'seen' and 'recognised' for just parenting the kids they chose they have would be laughable.

Boo hoo you have to think about what to feed yourself and the kids, press buttons on an app and get it delivered. What a 'mental load' that is. And yes, I have seen MNetters posting about how stressful it is to think about what to eat every day.

Those Mothers of old would have been cock-a-hoop not having to go to several shops then cook everything from scratch often on erratic ovens. Some modern Mums want us to think it's like working down a mine chopping up an avocado and boiling some pasta then putting the dishes in a dishwasher.

Whose job is it to keep expenditure under 10k a month, and why haven't they done that job?

No one is missing the point.

People are saying that the pragmatic solution that 99.9% of society have created is paid for or family and friends providing care. This allows parents to work and earn an income.

The vast majority of people use childcare at least some of the time.

Where does your line get drawn? Are you absolutely against any non-mother care for under 5s but fine with full time school? That seems a weird cliff edge? Or are yoy ok with preschool? Nursery from 3? Parttime childcare? What?

No one is advocating for children to spend 24/7 elsewhere are they?

This just doesn’t ring quite true to me. How the fuck did you run up £150k of credit card debt on a high salary with no savings? Reception level school fees isn’t going to be doing that.

The job market is dire- no-one is walking out of senior level jobs right no without another one to go to.

And OP- really how stressful can it be with one kid in reception and a baby at home. Don’t try to pretend that is much harder than an exec level corporate job.

If this is totally true as per your post, then you need a financial plan. He’s unlikely to walk into a new role but would presumably be working his notice period so would have 3-6 months more to search so you’re not on the brink of imminent starvation.

Why are you paying school fees for children under school age? Or do you have other children aswell?

I have been in a job earning nitro £10k a month but taking home about £7k but we saved most of it. Firstly at this level it’s far easier to get another job on this level than it is further down the chain as to earn this you have something that is in demand and hard to find. Secondly for the people who say “find me a job that pays that” you really don’t understand what is expected and what you have to do you earn that money you are not given it, it’s always stressful and hard and this flows into all aspects of your life. I quit after 20 years in high pay and now am lucky to clear £2k from my business and work 16 hours a week for minimum wage at a golf club and have no intention of a high paying job again.

if the husbands salary is all that is keeping the wife there then it’s over already

150k debt is brutal if you're in that much debt, why would you be sending your kids to private school?And why would a three year old be in private school

This would hugely worry me!
Also the fact that he ran up all that debt and hid it! I would feel that our future wasn't secure!!
I know this sounds harsh but he has shown he carnt be trusted!
I wouldn't give an altimation, that would end your marriage for sure!!! I would be putting things in place to secure my children's and my future with out him in it!! Use this time to plan ahead!!
I hate to say it but he has shown he doesn't respect you.

@BeCleverViewer

1. There exist jobs that are well paid and allow for raising a family alongside.
2. There exist jobs with travel / availability expectations that are not compatible with single parenthood or even 50/50 parenthood.

sounds like you have a job in category 1 and OP’s husband has a job in category 2. It is fair for the partner of a category 2 worker to say that their picking up most of the childcare etc enables the career, even that it would not realistically be possible otherwise to have children and maintain that particular job. The fact that other careers exist is irrelevant to that situation.

You may not feel that sahm is a good contribution or choice but that was a decision made years ago and jointly by op and her husband. So it’s irrelevant to discuss now whether that was a “good”decision according to your particular value system. It is what it is.

Saying that OP should just get a job, as if she can now walk into something high paying without a thought and so cover for her H’s decision is obviously not realistic, therefore also irrelevant.

I seriously am suggesting planning orbits around our family structures ...yes.

Why else would 16hr contracts be so common etc...? Opening hours ...you've related to supermarkets...I was thinking schools

@Ilovechristmasssssssssssss

I get your anger and fear I was a SAH and H agreed to earn all the money because it was financially and family better.

Part of the household running was H being happy or at least not dreading his job, because if he collapsed we all did. His salary wasn’t as large when we had children your age.

He did end up pacing about his job and in the end I was the one who told him to resign, as he had a “big job” his resignation period was 6 months, it’s usually 3 months at a high level.

So after being angry, you both need to talk this through and have a plan together.

£10k bring home jobs are not numerous, assuming professional, many at this level can quit and find work, not the next day but within 3 months.

Before he starts waving a resignation letter around why doesn’t he take a couple of weeks to put out feelers for other positions, tell him you are in complete support of him quitting but it’s not just you and him now is it?

Explain that you can’t go back into debt to fund this decision, remind him that if you won’t be able to ensure school fees that it’s best to move child now.

He can move jobs, but just taking a bit of time to not put himself in a position where he is forced to take new work because he is desperate not out of choice won’t help anyone.

Remind him he’s important to the family a vital cog. But he can’t just go spinning off like a no responsibility cog at the moment.

He can quit but this isn’t the way to do it.

Read the OPs posts...this DH does nothing childcare or home

Having read all your updates, you’ve got much bigger problems than him quitting his job.

Are you in couples therapy? Financial infidelity (which is what happened with that debt) can be every bit as damaging as sexual/emotional.

I wouldn’t threaten divorce tomorrow but I absolutely would start sorting my life out ready to leave in future. Training, looking for jobs etc.

Also, make sure he understands that if he quits, he will have to be SAHD and your child will have to be pulled from private school to go to state. Your DH sounds like he has some delusions around money. Time to put him straight!

This ^

Take care OP 💐

I think you have a chip on your shoulder - I am not saying it is noble. I am saying that I am EQUAL within the economic and social institution that is my family. Not more than, not less than.

I didn’t marry him to be a stay at home mother. I had a job in investment banking and qualifications up my hooha. But we have no family to support us where we live and we chose to have one parent stay home. I had expected to return to work when the youngest was in school but BOTH of our children are AuDHD. Slightly fucked that plan up - and would have fucked up his career and life plans had I walked on any of the many occasions it flittered through my head dealing with an autistic meltdown or other domestic crisis. I have shielded him from all of this so he can perform in his job at the highest level, so that he can actually enjoy what he does without stress or guilt. I’ve run a business from home to fund DC2’s private school fees, bought/renovated/sold properties so that we were able to leverage ourselves and be mortgage free some years ago, I’ve also picked up 3 degrees in the time I have been a SAHM, something that makes DH inordinately proud. But the thing he IS most proud of is the fact that I did it whilst raising our children, prioritising our family, getting their SEN needs met, ensuring that they will both have had a chance to go to university despite the challenges they have had.

He doesn’t see it as less than his contribution. He doesn’t measure our success in terms of his income and job title. He measures it in the fact that we are together after 34 years, still best friends, supporting each other, supporting our children, ensuring all 4 of us achieve our dreams.

It is quite clear you don’t seem to value to contribution of nor the many varied experiences of SAHM. We are not a monolith. We are all unique and pushed forward by different drivers.

I am sorry you’ve had to do it alone. I was raised by a single mum, I know it is hard. But there is not world in which I would state that I find your single parent status disgusting, that I would criticise and denigrate your life or motherhood, nor would I fail to appreciate the choices and sacrifices you have no doubt made to live your life and raise your children to the best of your ability and according to your own values. I would never do that to another mother, another woman.

I just ask that you show me, and other women like me, the same level of respect. Because frankly, your disdain is appalling.

I can’t read? 😂 Well that makes two of us then because neither can you. There isn’t a single word about you being a working single mum in your post of 16:37, which is the one I replied to, so calm yourself down. You made a comment about your wife and didn’t mention being a single working mum until your post of 16:58. Any confusion here has been caused entirely by you and your particular style of writing.

For what it’s worth, I’m a fucking delight. But no, I won’t be pleasant to someone who talks to me like a dickhead because they’ve not made themselves clear.

So DH is walking out of his job because of difference of opinion over a project- seriously? In all jobs as in politics you have to accept you’ll be overruled. If that is the case then he tells HR he can’t accept the situation and tender his notice and work out his time. In view of his status and issues of confidentiality the firm may escort him to the door and put him on garden leave.

This allows him time to sort himself out and decide what he wants out of life while still being paid a salary or accept a remuneration package.

He will have to sign a confidentiality agreement so that he cannot go to work for a competitor. Many on the trading floor change careers completely and often set up their own business often going into farming and those sort of out door activities which are much less stressful.

OPs role is to support him while going through this crisis and that includes a huge drop in lifestyle, sale of house, move to cheaper area, pay off debts, state education etc.

All this business about divorce. No point if there are no or few assets and it’ll be the same. Drop in life style etc. OP should take the chance. The whole family could be much happier

How are 16hour contracts related to sahms being valued at £60k pa?

The OP absolutely can afford it. It’s the OP’s DH that’s got the problem . She and the children will be absolutely fine without him

Bringing home £10k pcm is over £200k pa gross...
To suddenly give up a job like that is, frankly, bizarre. Unless it's making him deeply, deeply unhappy or he's about to be sacked.

How would you cope post divorce then?

He sounds like a lazy bastard. If you are in a job at that level you are expected to put up with the crap in return for the salary!

really weird side note .I'm not trying to freak you out.I don't agree with anything that you're saying, but I really like the way that you write. I can imagine fighting with you in the pub and then go and home laughing

Oh ignore my question. I would be annoyed with him too tbh.

I really want to understand what managing a household entails that is so arduous if you don't do any financial admin and one of your kids is in school.

A live in nanny would probably cost similarly to your current debt payments. You'd be fine if you weren't both so atrocious with money and making repeated bad decisions. It's also not an absurd sum if you're then willing to pay for private school!

I can't tell if you're a troll or just incredibly financially illiterate.