WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

It’s not immediate, OP has made it clear there are long standing problems relating to money, lack of joint decision making and hiding debt

We have two children both below school age.

What school fees are you paying?

What's your plan to support your children? No savings on 10k income a month and you don't work.

Of course it matters. No one with a school aged child describes them as a toddler.

It also means you can easily cut back and save a significant amount each month, just by finding a state school.

As usual, some of the replies on here are absolutely batshit.
The OP is a SAHM because her husband wanted her to be. Probably so that she does everything and he doesn’t have to parent at all.
He failed to tell her that his ‘new’ job paid significantly less than his old one and continued to live the lifestyle that he was used to and allowed the OP to do the same. I’d hazard a guess she isn’t a mindreader as she also said that she doesn’t have access to the account that his wages go into/bills are paid from. I’d have divorced him for the £150k secret debt in itself!
Their arrangement has been, he earns and she runs the family and house. Just like countless other thousands of people do and it’s ridiculous when people say, ‘Well you go and get a job then’. She has a job. It’s being a SAHM so that her husband can work!
OP has already said he isn’t hands on with the children so that wouldn’t work anyway! And who can bloody walk into a £100k + job when you’ve been a SAHM?!!!
You can’t just walk away from your half of the agreement and say, ‘Sod this, I’m done with parenting and housework now so it’s over to you’, so why should he be able to do just that with his side of the agreement without at least a back up plan?
Fucking batshit some people on here.

I’d be supportive if OP decided SAHM is too stressful or boring or whatever abd wanted to work full time or part time. I am a bit older and one thing I know is that an agreement of you be the sole earner and I be the SAHP only lasts as long as the circumstances allow and any agreement can be up for renegotiation at any time for good reason.

This is a life in which we have to change to adapt or we will fail to raise our children in financial security. The OP is being inflexible.

He isn’t even wanting to change the overall agreement, he just wants to switch jobs with a bit of a gap.

I personally think it’s clear they can’t afford the SAHP. That they’ve hit the realisation that one earner isn’t going to get the private schools, life with luxuries they planned on.

Its time for a reset.

The impending financial impact of those may be another layer of stress that DH is staggering under. If the finances are an issue regardless of whether he stays in his job or not, I would speak to your lender about taking out a top up mortgage/releasing some equity, but also about switching to an interest only one for a few years, so that you can clear the debt at high interest rates and also minimise monthly repayments while you adjust to school fees and explore your won return to work when youngest also starts school. We’ve had interest only mortgages for a decade as DH get bonuses and he uses those to pay down the capital sum each year according to what we can afford. This shored us up during year our children were both in private schools.

However, I would also seriously ask yourself whether you can actually take the risk of a private school fee commitment at this time. Why not see if a local primary school has a place and revisit when DC is 7? By then we will know if we have 5 more years of bloody labour, or godforbid bloody Farage, and Trump will have been replaced so some of the heat will have dissipated from the global economy.

You need to sit and talk now. Today.

Op, be practical here. What could you do for work? How would it work? I agree I’d be fed up to the point of done forever in your shoes, but u don’t see exactly what you’d do if separated to feed your kids.
but I guess if you’re decided it’s over best o separate before he can rack up further debt since he’s got no income now. However the focus should be how will you provide for your dc?

Exactly!

Private school for a 5yo would be a huge mistake here. You can’t pay for it.

Honestly at this point I’d have been putting the kids in nursery,looking for jobs and insisting on seeing bank accounts. I’m far too nervous of not being in control of my own life. It’s easy with hindsight but there’s been warning signs. Hope it works out op.

Several people have asked that.

OP isn't answering valid questions or responding to people giving advice but arguing with people instead.

This thread has blown up already and will continue to provoke huge amounts of engagement which OP is very selective about what she responds to which provokes further emotionally driven engagement.

You can’t afford school fees with your level of debt / lack of savings, whether or not he gives up work.

Because you don’t have school fees ?
You’re not paying school fees. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes she has. The school fees will be due in a few weeks for September start, when DC starts school.

ETA she is contractually bound to pay a terms fees, I believe, even if she does not take up the place because that is the notice period.

Because it changes the situation you're asking advice on. You said you were paying school fees and that was one of the large outgoings that meant you're spending £7K a month. Except that you're not paying school fees yet so that can't be one of the bills that is part of your expenditure.

There are other inconsistencies in your posts as well. If you genuinely want advice, honesty and accuracy would be a good place to start.

You said about an hour ago that you have two children both below school age?

I agree with this. Some of the replies are bonkers

Actually the OP says her child will be starting year 1 in September. So they've been paying school fees for the last year. Which is madness, considering their financial situation.

They will split the martial assets at least 50:50- OP will argue for more since his earning power is much higher

priority will be housing OP.

after that she’ll do what anyone does- work/ benefits/ hope the CMS comes through.

its not that big of a deal to be a single parent to 2 children really. Loads do it.

Thanks, I only read the ops posts and a few others.

Actually the OP said the SAHM/sole earner was a joint agreement. She wanted it as much as him. This is as much about him supporting her to be a SAHM and not have to work as it is she supporting him to work all hours.

They have both caused the issue of poor money management when one is overseeing income and the other outgoings, you need to communicate and budget. Both dropped the ball there.

He isn’t walking away from his half of the agreement, he is still ok being the sole earner and her a SAHM. He just wants to be able to quit his job now over disagreement on a project (OP hasn’t bothered to ask) and there be a gap until another job.

It’s the same as OP saying hey I’m going to stay with relative x for six weeks as they’re having brain surgery so we need to have child care or you need to take time off work to cover it.

Don’t they start in reception ? I think you’re tying yourself up in knots with lies here OP

Ask him to please rethink his move tomorrow. Ask him to instead begin to seriously search for a new job so that when he quits he wiil have something lined up.

agreed