WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

Whose school fees is he paying if both your children are below school age?

No, you cannot be asked to pay for debts acquired before you married but you would for the ones either or both of you acquired during marriage.

Having said that, judges can be more benevolent when it comes to debt that was acquired after the split but before you were formally divorced.

I don’t want to be too specific but the way that we sort our finances is that we have a household ‘pot’ that DH tops up each month. That pot continued to be topped up every month exactly as it always had.

I didn’t know that this was done using credit cards and bank loans.

So yes, I had no idea. DH was also spending on credit cards behind my back for his own personal stuff. These had always been paid off in full each month but weren’t unbeknownst to me.

Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, economic abuse includes behaviour that has a substantial adverse effect on another person’s ability to acquire, use or retain money or property, or obtain goods and services. It does not require the debt itself to be legally in the victim’s name.

This is my point entirely. Why an earth don’t you have access? I assume not just to the bills account, but also the wages account or the credit card account either. Why are you so happy to hand over complete financial responsibility for your life to someone else when your kids could end up on the street or in sheltered accommodation?

And yes I get that young kids are challenging but most women go back into some kind of paid work when their kids are around 12 months, so whilst you’ve had kids at home you’ve not been working- even part time. Could you really have not found time to check the bank account from time to time?

Oh come off it. She's avoided the school fees qu several times and has another thread running (started today) about some festive breaks she can do with her kids (aged 1 and 4) at Christmas. Despite her being about to divorce and them being in debt upto their eyeballs.

Why is everyone so focused on the school fees? We have a child turning 5 soon. They’re starting year 1 in September!

Her plan was to forgo a career to raise their joint children, on the basis that he had a job that enabled that to be the way their family worked. Do you think he has no part in that, or are you suggesting that picking up everything at home to enable a man to further his career to the point he is earning 10k a month isn’t a valid option?

As a family they made decision, one which he now regrets and wants to change with no thought of the consequences for the whole family. What would have been the reaction if OP decided being a SAHM was too stressful for her and wanted to walk away from it leaving him to deal with it?

Why are you saying you spend on school fees when your kids are a baby and a toddler?

What do you know about coping with work pressure when you admit you’ve never had a job?

I think he is saying he is desperately unhappy and in a high position role his life evolves around his job I expect. If he wants a life overhaul that’s understandable but he cannot do it on a whim. I would be having conversations about down sizing and him applying for other roles or retraining. This is a time to discuss what you both want going forward and an opportunity for him to learn to be a hands on dad. It’s not fair for him to quit as you cannot afford to have no income.

£150k salary was never enough for school fees though- surely that’s common sense?

you’ll have to cancel his place anyway because- the divorce

An almost 5 year old isn’t a toddler. At least get your story straight. If you can’t afford private school then you can’t afford it.

If both are true and the spends were not for family essentials so OP went without essentials.

But that’s not the case.

Well I meant baby and young child then. Is there any point to this nitpicking? It doesn’t change the basis of my post.

If he’s earning that much money he has stress , more than you floating around at home.
Why do you have school fees if your kids are under 5?

Perfect illustration of why a complete split of responsibility that takes either adult outside or parenting or financial involvement is a terrible move. OP seems to have given away any influence or say around debt, finances and employment. The husband has washed his hands of parenting. Both adults lose. Insanity.

It sounds as though he is deeply unhappy and stressed and is headed for a breakdown. People don’t quit their jobs with nothing to go to unless they’re extremely lazy (unlikely) or at breaking point.

There's a world of difference between dropping your standard of living and having zero income until someone can find a job. And if op was to find a full-time minimum wage job immediately they would only have around £1600 coming in. That doesn't go very far when they have minimum debt repayment of £3k

There's nothing wrong with him wanting to change job or to ask op to get a job so they are sharing the financial responsibility. But he needs to act like a grown up, look for a new job before quitting, and make sure he shares the childcare and house responsibilities. If he is currently struggling mentally at work rather than just having a strop then again he can be a grown up and take some sick leave until he can think clearer about his future

You can get divorced for any reason - you don’t have to give a reason. See a family lawyer, get the house valued, start looking for a place to live.

It looks to me that your DH contributes nothing to the family apart from earning and if he fails to do that, then you're wondering what is the point of remaining married?

Your immediate reaction to his quitting his job is to file for divorce? No talking, discussing, working it out? No trying to understand why it’s come to this?

Well it looks like they aren't going to private school regardless so it looks like you need to find another school place for them.

My OH left his medical partnership at age 42 because the stress was making him ill. He had my support in this and that of all of us. We had to downsize to reduce our outgoings It had a huge impact on all of us, but we have never regretted it. And my children learned a valuable lesson in family cooperation and compromise.

It sounds to me as though your OH has been bringing this up over a period of time and it has been falling on deaf ears so he has been forced to take action. But I suppose I’m at my wits end with his ‘work issues’ and offering support for him to just turn around and do this - you have been providing support but not solutions - maybe you have not really taken on board the true extent of his unhappiness. For him to suggest leaving immediately means he is at the end of his capabilities with no resolution in sight. The true extent is now clear and this is the moment for you to be his rock and not be thinking of leaving, which helps no-one - unless leaving is an option that you have had in mind for other reasons.

My life would have been easier if my OH had been able to just carry on as a high earner and of course it was in many ways exasperating - but I did not blame him in any way - he could only do what he could do. I just joined with him and our children in looking for solutions. Solutions that required sacrifices all round - willingly made.

Instead of wanting out maybe you should properly engage with him about finding a solution that means he can leave this job that is making him so miserable to the point where he just wants to throw in the towel. It will involve a change of lifestyle I am guessing. We had to embrace that.

Why not organise care for the children for a weekend and go away somewhere where you can sit down together in peace and talk about positive steps you can take to solve this problem? Marriages face problems and the only way through is to face them as a team rather than expecting the status quo to continue when it has become non-viable. Or to instantly see bailing out as the only option.

I have to add that several years later my OH developed a neurodegenerative disorder from which he died - he did not get to any sort of happy retirement that we all hope for. This fact makes me so glad that I approached his work problems in a positive and constructive way and eased the life he did have.

Regardless of the immediate outcome, you really should think about going back to work. You’re in a very precarious position if he suddenly leaves his role.

As you have a baby and toddler, presumably you’ve only been an SAHM for approx 3 years? Not much more time out than if you’d had two maternity leaves. What was your job pre children?

Indeed it does. School fees are a large expense. You seem to just dismiss them as unimportant. No wonder you're in a mess. Are you or are you not paying school fees now. Still not answered after being asked a number of times.