WIBU to divorce due to DH quitting his job whilst I’m a SAHM?

[Ilovechristmasssssssssssss]

We have young children under the age of 5.

I’m a SAHM whilst DH works (which we are both in agreement with). He has a high earning role, but has been increasingly unhappy with the politics of the job.

He came home and announced that he is quitting tomorrow. Nothing lined up but says he will ‘make it work’. Worst case scenario we will have to sell our home and downsize.

Despite him having a well paid role, we have zero savings as our outgoings are high and due to some other factors. We have a minimum debt payment of £3,000 per month (DH brings home approx £10,000 per month).

I am considering telling him that it’s over between us if he does this. I am fed up of picking up everything family-wise for him to just throw our lives into turmoil like this.

150k debt on credit cards when you've 7k a month to use after bringing down his debts at 3k a month.

I mean this kindly the state won't support you to this extent.

I suggest that you insist on seeing all his outgoings. Get the debts paid off faster, card by card.

If you've got a crazy mortgage, car payments, give up the car, downsize the house.

You'll need a spreadsheet, he gives you every penny he earns and you do a spreadsheet and learn to budget.

When you get straight financially. Ltb

Why is everyone so focused on the school fees?
Because you lied by saying you had two children under school age, so who know what other truth has been twisted in your posts.

do every SAHM you know has £150k worth of debts
when the husband brings home £10,000 per month?

That's not what OP said:

"Ilovechristmasssssssssssss · Today 12:34

Hairyfairy01 · Today 12:29

What is his notice period? I would be looking at cutting back on all expenses and finding whatever work I could. You still haven’t explained how you get through 7k a month. I’m awaiting the massive back story to be honest.

It’s not hard. A big mortgage, car payments, school fees.."

OP when asked about how they were already spending 7k a month gave the sarky reply above.

Ultimately, you can't stop him. Circumstances have changed - let him be the SAHP while you work and pay the bills. You need to cut your cloth to match your earning potential. You didn't get in the deep mess you're in overnight. You've been living well beyond your means for a long time and have no savings. That's highly irresponsible.

He must have burnt out - they don't pay that sort of money after tax for nothing. If the story was gender-reversed, the OP would have been called 'cock-lodger', lazy bastard and the rest. He would have been called a fair-weather husband as well.

Well it's maybe a made up thread for clicks. Tis the weekend after all. @Ilovechristmasssssssssssss says she has no access to his accounts but knows that he earns 10k a month. Tell me how?

OP said they are spending 7k a month. One of the items mentioned is school fees. Her 5 year old is not yet in school. The other is a baby. So for at least 4 years she’s been a SAHM with one child only, and equates this to her husbands high salaried, and presumably highly stressful job.

Probable the high spending has tripped the husband over the edge with the reality of current spending of 7k.

Cool story bro.

Bet your DH is thrilled to know how you really feel about him.

Because she knew his salary?! Seems fairly obvious, you don’t have to see the cash landing 😂

?! What’s that got to with your comment that her “immediate” reaction was divorce? It’s not immediate, there have obviously been problems for some time

Some people pay more than £90k a year for a nanny, others more than £250k on a car, you spend your money the way you want, it's easily done and it has nothing to do with gambling or drug addiction.

but you are BU to resent someone for making career decisions when you are not working yourself. And you need to complete change your lifestyle

Tell your DH ,you are going to put your 5 year old in a local primary school,not the private one . because he said he's packing his job in ..that might make him focus enough to stay in his job
.
You really need a handle on the financial aspect
Tell him you want access to the join accounts and you want to see money going in and what comes out .
You need to know exactly the financial situation.. especially before committing to school fees

She's not floating around at home though is she, she's doing the school run and then looking after a young child all day then doing the school run again and running the household as well plus doing all the child care until he eventually comes home from his job.

He has also kept her completely in the dark about their finances which some might consider a form of financial abuse as it's clear that had she known their situation she would have made changes to the spending but she was not informed so how on earth could she know?

It's completely irresponsible of her husband to walk out of a job leaving them with zero income and I would be absolutely furious if my husband did that too.

They are supposed to be a team and she has upheld her side of the teamwork, if he wants to leave his job he needs to have a plan and they need to sort out their outgoings and that debt which means he needs to talk to her about the finances and let her see exactly how much he has fucked up.

How much are school fees for 2 children under 5?

His take home pay is £10k a month according to OP. So his actual salary would be a lot higher. I hope OP does realiise workers need to pay tax. Or does she just assume a £120k a year salary means you take home £10k a month.

Op what I would do in your situation is look at your budget or at least the bit you are responsible for and work out where you can make massive cutbacks, which would include putting your older child into a state school - they are very young and don't need to be in private school at this point, I would focus on moving them for secondary but find a good local school in the meantime.

Then present your husband with your thoughts and ideas on how to bring down the outgoings and tackle the debt and he needs to look at what kinds of jobs he could move to and develop an exit plan but he absolutely can't just resign tomorrow.

If he is truly suffering health wise from his job he should get signed off sick by the GP which in my experience is quite easy to do which will then buy him some breathing time but honestly he must be so senior that he can have a conversation and sort something out anyway.

My husband is very senior although he doesn't earn anywhere near what your husband owns and it seems very odd to me that he hasn't been able to have conversations with other senior executives about his concerns. I don't think he's telling you the truth about what's happening at work and I think you need to get to the bottom of that.

I do understand why you want to divorce him if he hands in his notice because he's clearly been lying to you for some time and isn't keeping you in the loop and that is absolutely not acceptable.

You are getting a hard time on here because Mumsnet doesn't like SAHM or high earners.

I am convinced it's jealousy about big money that makes people respond like this. You do realise financial abuse happens in high income marriages too right? People with their "gotcha" on school fees. Honestly I sometimes think this site hates women, sorry or is it just SAHM.

Thank you!!!

You make it sound insignificant. Try swapping for a bit and maybe you'll see that ONE job differently.

Nothing to be jealous of, their outgoings exceed their income but they continue to commit to unnecessary expense.

What a load of nonsense.

Did you decide to apparently send your pre-school age toddler to a fee-paying school for reception year when you knew about the 150k debt?

On the off chance this is real I think you might do better getting in touch with your local authority to work out which schools have places for year 1 in September, talking to estate agents about putting the house on the market and applying for part time jobs, rather than arguing the toss on Mumsnet.

Because he told me?

I know you say there are no performance/ disciplinary issues at work , however, you don’t give up a well paid job with £3k outgoings a month to nothing due to politics and not enjoying it unless you have something to go to. If he is facing a disciplinary hearing tomorrow then how would you know? If he wasn’t honest about £150k of debt he would hardly share the news he may be dismissed. There is more to it OP. Sorry.