to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

Whats your point?

That smart children don’t misbehave?

That children that misbehave don’t get into Oxford?

or you think I’ve just made up some narrative about my DS? To what end?

Maybe just start a thread about your teen (s) @Twile and do a call out to all those on this thread who agree with you and are experiencing or have experienced this themselves.

It is clearly something that is preoccupying your thoughts but rather than debate this issue, you do now know there’s many out there on mumsnet who know what you’re talking about and might be able to help

Was your son misbehaving? Or was he just refusing to go to school for a period, no doubt due to something, and then when the time came that it mattered, he just thought he’s crack on with getting his GCSEs to enable him to move on from the school?

Thank you but I am not looking for help.

So just very cross on behalf of other mumsnet OP parents?

Another example of the thread police!

Yes I posted up thread. Fighting, leaving house in the middle of the night, being rude, mena to his siblings.

Absolute rubbish.

My dd had a horrendous time during her teenage years and was in and out of hospital a lot missing so much school. We had Anorexia, weed, alcohol, running away - the lot. Aged 21 she is an absolute joy and a delight and has got into a Russel Group uni she’ll be starting in September even though she has several disabilities on top of surviving her teenage years. She can’t stand alcohol, weed etc now and has just bought her first car after saving hard.

I know so many like this and was told how common it is for struggling teens to start to turn their lives around once they hit their 20s by several professionals we met on our journey.

Life isn’t linear.

Ok that sounds horrible 💐

I have a friend who is very very strict with her daughters, they’ve had rules, boundaries, bad behaviour nipped in the bud blah blah since an early age. Really nice well mannered kids

one turned 16 and rebelled completely, started drinking, stealing stuff, hit her mother and one of her sisters and ran away. She wouldn’t listen to her dad either.

It’s an ongoing thing with them, she’s at her wits end. No end of phone confiscation, grounding, boundary placing has made any difference with this girl,

you can be the strictest parent in the world and still have off the wall teens

Bringing up teenagers today is a complete nightmare . We have gone from Kids having no autonomy to parents having no power at all. Social media is to blame for some of it . It is shortsighted to say that if Kids have been well brought up, they won’t get out of control. Parenting adopted kids despite having been placed with a parent when they were a toddler years is even more difficult. They can have the best of upbringings whether your own children or adopted children and they can still hook up with the wrong people make the wrong choices and get out of control. There is a saying ‘accidents happen in the best regulated families.’

I was 33 before my mother stopped slapping me. Yes, she was French and they do things differently.

They do in Singapore

Do you or did you ever leave this woman alone with your children?

Technically you can’t make even a young child do something. Those of us with ND children know this especially well.

It’s rare though with young children that parents will just stop. If the first strategy doesn’t work they try a second, a third, and will keep trying indefinitely.

Why does it seem different for posts with older teens?

You seem to be switching around different cultures and countries.

Maybe because Indian parenting is not that effective after all?

I don't think not allowing electronics upstairs until they go to uni is normal parenting!

There was someone else who said their DC never raised their voices at all ever!

I can't remember what I'd asked about but something about an older teen and I remember keep having to explain, they have their own money, they have much more disposable income than me! 😂

That isn't what this about, though. It is about someone saying for example 'don't give them any money' which hardly helps when they have plenty of their own!

It was here and they both survived

With a much young child you can ask them to do something and if they don't, help them to do it or make it into a game or whatever. I certainly wouldn't be trying indefinitely!

But with an older child it's not that you stop parenting them, but sometimes they have to learn the hard way.

Alternatively, you can pull them up on everything. 'Every fucking thing^. Have firm boundaries, never let everything slide, and enjoy the fun of multiple confrontations every day and being told you're an evil witch because you're the only one who says "No" to them. Such fun 🙄

Should have extended it to 30.

I have parented 5 teenagers, they might be bigger than you but they dont earn any money so who is paying for their clothes phone evening out and lifestyle. If its you just stop enabling your brats. You are only required to provide food and a safe clean secure environment. If your children are in charge at 16 its to late.