to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

There do seem to be a lot of obtuse people here who don’t seem to be understanding the post and hijacking the thread. Agreed.

Then your 'AIBU' should've been about how 'just make them,' is a silly suggestion to make for teens who refuse to comply.

I feel like you've muddied the issue as you've made multiple statements saying that people who parent differently and/or don't have those issues, just don't understand teens. But maybe the suggestions they give do work for their teenagers, and that's why they're giving them.

I mean, I could just take my children's devices, or ground them, and as we live rurally, they can't drive yet, and don't have friends whose parents would let them crash at theirs indefinitely, they would just have to accept it. I don't parent that way, but as I know I could do it, I find it easier to imagine other parents might too.

I do understand what you're saying about smugness, though. When people say 'just do x' they don't tend to realise it's not always that simple. I don't think that's about not understanding teens though, I think it's just general inability to grasp how different someone's situation might be to their own.

Or the ‘he needs to move out’ brigade. Yes he’ll magically find a job when he’s homeless and then will return home to thank you for helping him be independent while you have your precious boundaries in place.

If you have a 16 year old who always went to school then your advice “just tell them to go” or worse “my DC would never not go to school if I told him to” despite the fact you’ve never had to test that theory is null and void.

At 16 you cannot drag them out of bed.
I took away his phone, turned off the internet, stopped social lifts, drove him to school in the morning, spoke with school, school spoke with my son, got him therapy, locked him in at night.

I’m glad you didn’t have to go what I went through but forgive me if it’s fucking irritating to be told “well you must have been a bad parent because my DC would never have behaved like that”.

Because people truly believe that their DCs achievements are 100% a result of their superior parenting 🤷‍♀️

I wonder at what point my DSs current success offset his previous difficulties and I too can bask in the glory of what a wonderful mother I am.

Oh FGS why is school refusal being invoked as an example of crap parenting 😩. In so many cases it is down to schools not having the capacity (and/or sometimes will) to meet seemingly trivial but very real ND pastoral needs effectively. I agree with a PP that it is not always down to burnout. But be wary of seeing as a one-off ‘blip’ as we have had two such blips so I daren’t ever be complacent. (I’m an excellent parent btw 😉.)

Honestly? Seems like you are agreeing with pretty much everything I said, even if you are saying it in a way that makes it sound like you aren't.

When you take bits out of context then sure, you could argue that you don't agree. The comment about 'leading a horse to water' was specifically in relation to not even considering a different approach - not, for example, to deciding it would be suitable for x reason. And the comment about by the time they are teens it may be too late did not infer any judgement on the parents, it's just a comment on specific types of parenting only working if you start earlier.

And did you miss where I acknowledged that issues with teens are not always related to parenting? I suspect not. But it didn't suit the narrative you chose.

Ah well. I'm glad we mostly agree.

I know!

A professional once got me to draw all the people and influences in my child’s life. I had to stop as when you really start to recognise you can’t count, there are too many people and influences to record. The point of the exercise was to show that parental influence is actually quite small. So many other things come into play when it goes tits up for a child. Parents of younger children or indeed parents of teens who sit there smugly confident in their superiority as parents do it at their own peril.
I hate to admit it but I was one such parent once. My kids and their journeys have taught me a lot.
Difficult teenage years can happen to any family.

Every school refuser I know has been a generally 'good kid', not a trouble maker, but with issues that has made going to school untenable.

One had extreme anxiety (went on to do very well at University)
One had autism (is currently at University despite being classed as of low intelligence in school)
One was bullied to breaking point and the school's 'help' was to move the bullied from the class, rather than the bully. It was only when it went to the local papers that they did anything truly constructive.

In each case, parenting was not the issue, and in each case parenting helped get better outcomes.

Many teenagers accept parental authority and consequences. Some do not.

Guessing yours don’t @Twile ?

How is he now @DancingNotDrowning ?

Surely the goal is to lay down the ground work when they are young so that by 16-18 they are able to start making good judgement calls by themselves? And that you have a relationship that is mutually respectful and where they trust the boundaries you set are there for their wellbeing?

(Have one ND 20 year old, 1 17 year old, one 15 year old)

Its a terrible example of a child being 'out of control' or poor parenting, but its a great example of how useless advice can be from people who havent experienced it as people do just say 'i wouldn't let my child refuse' or 'you just make them go'

Sometimes shit/difficulties happen
or collide so that groundwork isn’t enough. Every child, circumstances and experiences are different. Teenagers still have brains that are developing and aren’t fully formed until they reach 25.

‘My child simply couldn’t stay off school as I have to work’ 😉

But in general Indian style parenting is very effective. If some Indians slack on that it's their fault. I've never done drugs and would have no idea where to get them in the first place.

Just making them go was catastrophic for two of my children. I’ve seen better outcomes as regards MH with parents who were more flexible than me. That said my kids have constantly shown up throughout treatment for said MH and have made excellent progress they say because it was what they were used to( showing up).🤷‍♀️However they might not have needed it if I’d acknowledged difficulties, been more flexible, had lower expectations. Who knows. I’ve been told none of it was our fault by various professionals. The point being there is no right way, parents are simply doing their best in very difficult circumstances with numerous influences and people in their children’s lives that they can’t control,learning as they go,often with zero support.

Also, see 'kick them out, they will soon realise and return' and 'don't give money'
A kid who has gone that far down the road will a) be homeless, like shedloads of kids up and down the country and b) probably start stealing/ drugs/ fraud to get money. There are plenty of criminal people who will take them on the exploit them.

Says who? A quick search will show this isn’t the case. Data indicates they face a severe and rapidly escalating mental health crisis. Global studies and local reports reveal that 1in 7 Indian teenagers aged 10-19 live with a diagnosed mental health disorder and India’s youth score exceptionally low on global Mind Health Quotient metrics. Indian teenagers navigate a highly demanding environment that shapes their unique psychological challenges. They struggle with extreme competition which causes chronic test anxiety, sleep deprivation, and severe burnout from a very young age. Deep rooted social stigma: mental illness is frequently dismissed as "drama" or a lack of willpower. Fear of judgment prevents nearly 60% of youth from seeking professional help. A digital divide and screen addiction: rapid, early exposure to smartphones has driven high rates of internet and social media addiction, which studies correlate to a sharp decline in real-life interpersonal skills and emotional resilience. Alongside generational and cultural conflicts Indian teenagers often navigate strict parental expectations regarding careers and lifestyle choices, resulting in acute family conflict and low emotional validation.

Sadly it seems they often suffer alone in silence.

or simply make points you don't agree with, because you didn't want to be told YABU

you just want people to agree with you.
It doesn't make you right and the others wrong.

Why do some kids do that? (I have two sons, 15 and almost 19, who are bigger than me but have never done that because they know that they wouldn't get away with it).

Because so many posters had their dc decades ago.

And so many didn't. My kids are in their 20s.

But the OP is correct. None of the phrases mentioned help or work.

Did I mention mine or even if I have any?

Time to go check my past posts 😂