AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Oh this a tough one. I think you could be a little more understanding of the fact that some people, especially children, are afraid of dogs. Dog owners often don’t seem to understand that, to other people, dogs can seem unpredictable. This family don’t know your dog, they don’t know that he is placid and harmless.

Ultimately whether you decide to shut the dog away depends on how much you value the friendship with this parent and the friendships between the children. It’s understandable that you’d want to prioritise the needs of your elderly dog and not cause him to be upset, but the risk you take is that you and your child might lose these friends. I’m not sure there is a ‘right’ answer here, just what you think is more important.

I am a dog owner who was terrified of dogs as a child. I went to kids' houses where they had dogs and just had to be terrified, as my mum wouldn't ask anyone to shut away their dogs - but this was the 80s! It's hard but I think you're entitled to say you don't want to shut your dog away, I wouldn't mine either, and the way I got over my fear of dogs was as a young teen getting to know a friend's big dog who was a total gentle giant very well. An older, placid dog seems a good place for these children to start.

My DD is scares of dogs, no clear reason.
We don't have any pets, but I wouldn't insist on someone locking their pet away if we visited.

I would let them know DD is scared and if they could please try to keep the dog away from her. Then either DH or I try to model positive interactions to her if the owner is OK with it 'look, Daddy is playing with Rufus, look how soft and friendly he is, would you like to put your hand on top of Daddy's and give Rufus a stroke', sometimes she says yes, sometimes no, but we try not to make a big deal out of it. If she can't settle, then after a bit we give our apologies and leave.

If it our home, we don't generally invite dogs into it, as that is DD's safe space.

Doesn't sound like your daughter will be that bothered, as it sounds like is your friends children rather than her closest friends, so I would just say 'these are the adjustments we can make, we would love if Milly could come but we understand if she can't.

I think it’s unreal the crap you’re getting, OP. Your family situation - whatever that family consists of - trumps the demands of a stranger. And that’s what they are. The sheer entitlement of the woman is off the charts. If HER little darlings have a phobia (the fact they both have it genuinely points to her mishandling of the situation even if it started as a result of a trauma, which it doesn’t sound like it did) then it’s on HER to manage it, not expect other people to add distress to their family.

I also don’t get why people are struggling to computed that dogs, like humans, change as they get older and have to navigate dealing with deterioration in their health. Where is the compassion?

I’ve always said that someone’s attitude towards animals really reveals their character - and boy, does it do just that in this thread.

Please give your pup some tummy rubs from me. Maybe she will get the share of the treats of the kids who oh-so-unfortunately can’t make it.

The girls mum shouldn’t be playing into their fear, it could be a good teaching moment with a good dog.
The mother is not doing them any favours.

Reading this thread, one of the most upsetting things for me is to see the amount of dog owners posting who seem to have little to no knowledge or understanding of the fact that an elderly, unwell dog might not have the same coping abilities that they used to have.

It's sad to see dog owners here telling the OP that she should have trained her dog better or the dog isn't socialised. The best trained, most well adjusted dog can become anxious in old age due to age related ailments. The same way people can change.

I hope these posters aren't going to treat their own dogs with the same lack of compassion when they become elderly and infirm.

The fact she wants to bring it onto the group is the bit that makes her really unreasonable as she is essentially trying to bully you into her way. I would just stop engaging as I suspect she will want the whole thing to be cancelled if you don’t relent (which you shouldn’t)

One of the issues is that so many poor owners say that their dog is a 'good' dog that you/your child struggles to trust that is true as trusting someone before but their dog was hyper, not trained, 'is just friendly' etc has caused your child to be even worse and just not trust dogs or their owners in general.

I'm sure OP is a great owner and her dog is just as she says he is but that doesn't magically help a scared child relax or actually believe that is the case likely due to past experiences.

I am a dog owner, one of my best friends is scared of dogs, we meet at her house instead. My dog would just be creating and trying to leave the room the whole time as he is not used to being shut away.

You can think what you like, but it's not your family and not your home.... so tour opinion doesn't matter.

I consider my dog a member of my family (tbf there's only us two) and I don't give a monkeys if people agree or not.

We would usually put our dog in another room where possible if somebody was coming round for a short visit and that person was scared. However, you have explained already on this thread that this is not an option as it would stress your dog out. You could offer an alternative, however having read your other comments it is your DD who wants to have people around her home. In this situation, I would explain openly and honestly to my DC that Friend can’t come to the house because they are scared of dogs and I would ask DC what they would like to do - play at home without Friend or change the plan and have a play date elsewhere (I.e. the park) with Friend. I would reassure them that there is no pressure either way, I would then go with whatever option they chose for the play date. If they want to stay at home I would return to the parent and explain that is too stressful for the dog to be locked away and tell them that you understand if they can’t make it.

I am not sure why she couldn’t have privately messaged you about all of this though, and why on earth it needed to be raised in the group chat? Is the child’s mother usually like this?

I am a dog owner, & I have had children here who have been scared of him. He’s a small dog & has been raised around children, I trust him fully. However, yes I do move him into another room if a child is scared of him. Yes, it is annoying & unfortunately he doesn’t like it. However, I see the other side of this. Before I got a dog, my son was petrified of them. He had never had a bad experience with one (that I am aware of & that he can remember) he was just so scared. He went to a house once & that mum refused to put the dog away & this only made his fear bigger. He never went there again.

Children can be scared of things which may seem irrational. Lots of children are scared of the dark, but you wouldn’t lock them in a dark room to prove there is nothing to be scared of- you would get them a night light to prevent the dark. The same as children being scared of clowns, you wouldn’t force them to go to the circus. I don’t quite understand why children being scared of dogs is so frowned upon. Actually some dog breeds are very scary & some owners are irresponsible.

You have a few years ahead of you OP where your kid's friendships rely on you at least being able to co-exist with their parents. No you don't want to pander to bitchiness or grown adults acting like the mafia but this isn't a hill I'd die on. Your child's needs also matter and they need to have fun with their friends especially in these formative years. Surely an elderly dog will be happier away from a whole bunch of screaming kids anyway? Do you have a partner who could take dog for an extra long walk? Could a relative look after the dog? This seems a really silly thing to be rocking the boat for tbh. I say this as a parent of a young child who is both a dog lover and happy to stand on the school playground as a lone wolf

based on this I wouldn't invite them to your house. Suggest going to an indoor soft play (no dogs are usually allowed there) or she could host at her house. Its unreasonable to make your dog suffer just because her kids won't try to get used to dogs.

Haven't read the full thread. My opinion for what is worth, as a person who doesn't want to be around dogs.

I would ask for the dog not be around, and if the dog was more important to you than my visit, I just wouldn't go.

No hard feelings, but it's not something I want to do, which you should accept as my perogative

Same as i would accept you don't want to put your dog away.

I personally do think dogs have their place. I'm not into taking my dog into John Lewis etc either. When i got my first dog in 1997 it was unheard of. I'm used to making compromises. Some people are genuinely scared. My daughters are autistic and I like it when people take their needs into account so I'm happy to do the same for other people and their needs.

I don't have a dog.

I think you are reasonable as your dog doesn't like being shut away and will bark. Surely that will be scarier for the kids.

Their fear is their problem not yours. Ignore the entitled mum.

I have one who would be a pain if shut away, so it's not something i'd want to do, but i'd happily have her on a house lead. This is what we'd do for visiting workmen or similar if required.

YANBU

Given all you've said about your dog, I don't think you're being unreasonable.

It sounds like these children pick up on their mum's anxieties. I'd bet money that the mum hasn't "tried everything", especially given that she thinks picking them up and telling them "I know you're scared", is the best way to deal with it.

My DH was scared of dogs when I met him, which wasn't ideal as I really wanted to get a dog. When we moved to where we live now, you cannot even walk 5 mins outside without coming across dogs being walked, many off lead too. I worked with him, asking owners of placid dogs if he could stroke them etc....it took a while, but he managed to overcome his fear, and now we have a dog which he absolutely ADORES!!!

We do crate our dog when a workman comes to do work on the house, but only because she'd lick them to death & they'd never get the work done!

I think given the woman's attitude, I'd stick with your stance, especially given they would likely freak out if they heard your dog whining through a door anyway. How does she expect her children to get through life by never coming into contact with dogs? She should cease this opportunity to help them overcome their fears with your placid dog. She's missing out on helping them here over her own stubbornness.

That's fair enough.

Completely agree. It seems a lot of people on this thread don't quite understand.

Yes we do the same. The mum isn't happy with this solution as the girls react the same whether a dog is on the lead or not.

Of course it is … no one is born with a fear.

I think you’ve offered a fair enough solution by having your dog on the lead or tethered in the garden. You have been reasonable. If the kids fear (and both of them have this fear with no incident? If wonder where that came from) is so bad they can’t even SEE an elderly sweet dog in its own garden on a lead then they really need help.

So no don’t distress your dog. You’ve offered a solution and if their fears are that severe they can’t even see dogs the fine they don’t come.
I’d understand if it was a big scary, barking dog..

I always ask workmen if they don’t like dogs - so far never met one who didn’t! My dog would be pretty confused if he was shut in a room but if someone was scared then he could put up with it for a bit.

This mother though sounds awful. She’s asked, OP has declined - the end.

Professional Dog Haters are a pain. I was walking down my drive with dog on the lead. He is far from being a slathering beast. A woman passing said to her dc in a Loud Voice, “Ooh, let’s cross the road away from that Nasty Dog.”