AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

It is however part of the family.

It's normal behaviour for a dog to want to meet visitors to its home and be unsettled if they can smell and hear new people! Not all dogs are like this, of course, but it's completely within normal limits and not a training issue. Dogs are not parcels to be picked up and shut in another room regardless of that individual dog's needs.

This is perfect. What a nice way to word it.

Comparing a tarantula being shut away to a dog being shut away is hilarious 😂

I have a dog that would also cry and become distressed being shut away with people in the house. I think I’d do it for essential works or for a short period but definitely not hours for a play date. She’s a lively 2 year old cocker spaniel and is very soppy but loves to charge about so I can see how she’d be intimidating. I think the best solution is they just don’t come, that’s something the children will have to get used to sadly as dogs are everywhere.

This is where people just fundamentally disagree. I have never considered a pet, or other peoples pets family members. They are pets. I don’t consider my brother’s rabbits part of his “family”, even my mum’s tortoise she has had since she was 4. It’s her pet, if can be a beloved pet. But still a pet.

We pop her on the lead or outside

No you are not being unreasonable in my opinion , its your house , your dogs home and could maybe even help these children with there irrational fears rather than enforcing the idea that all dogs are scary or bad

Keep dog on a lead with you while the children are there. My son was so terrified of dogs that he would run into the road to avoid them but gentle, controlled exposure means that he is now happy to be around calm dogs. I bet it’s the girls’ mother who is scared of dogs and she is projecting on to her children.

Shut the children away? Your house your rules. If they don't like it then they shouldn't come.

Frankly you have let your dog down by not socialising her properly. She should be able to be in a room alone for a few hours without coming out 'shaking and stressed'.

She is fine on her own in the day. We just put background music on for her and she sleeps. It's just if someone is in the house and making noise and she can't see where it's coming from it stresses her out.

OP suggested that and the answer was no.

I did offer that but they won't be around dogs even if they can see them and they are on a lead.

So why can’t you put the dog outside then? And then inside when the children go out?

She was socialised well from when we got her at 2 years old. She has started struggling to be shut away since she started losing her sight about 3 years ago. It's related to old age not poor socialising.

The mum said the children would be terrified if they could see her at the patio doors.

"But overall I don't think its fair to invite people round, when you know some of them would be uncomfortable"

"So OP should have invited everyone else except them?"

That's not what I was saying at all.
I was trying to say I don't think its fair to invite the whole friendship group round only for some to have to exclude themselves because they are afraid dogs.

I also said
"I think rather than cause a big division between the group.. I'd try to find a way that might work, so that all could attend."

That is the opposite of saying don't invite them.

I understand OP's misgivings, but was exploring if might be possible to find a way that would work for both sides. ,

with regard to @Speakeasier comment, if it's "just" nervousness around dogs then of course it's possible to help children gradually get used to them. But if it's more than that - whether brought on by an actual incident or seemingly by nothing at all - then some children are never going to be able to "get used to them", the fear is too much, and they'll willingly run into the traffic to get away from a dog even if it's perfectly nice and placid and isn't going to hurt you. It's not the dog's temperament that's the issue, it's something else - that's how phobias work and they're generally not something you can talk yourself out of.

My DS is like this, he cannot cope with a dog of any kind being anywhere near him, he can't control his fear (we are trying to get help for this but it's far from easy) and the way I usually explain it to people is could you happily relax on a sofa with a large spider sat next to you - that's how extreme it is for some kids.

I am far from a pampering mum who wants the world to revolve around my son, but on this one issue I do ask for help from friends, including other mums - if you would like my son to be involved in something, then please can you make arrangements for the dog not to be there, or he just won't be able to come. I genuinely don't think that's too much to ask.

YANBU
which is very evident from your posts
its truly amazing to see how much your DDog is loved and cared for
the dog- phobic children are not your problem-
if those children were very important to me, I would be motivated to try and find a work round, but they are just acquaintances ? Play date kids ?
Nah, the dog comes first - no question about it !

My eldest was/is absolutely petrified of dogs, she is a lot better than she used to be as she’s gotten older but a lot is to do with coping techniques.
The number of dog owners who have told us their dog is placid, old, friendly etc over the years is about 99% of them so I can understand why the parent is not at ease over your reassurance. In this instance I just wouldn’t bring my child but I would feel put out that it doesn’t appear to be an attempt to compromise, but also that my child has to miss out on the play date with friends.
If I did bring my child it would have ruined it for everyone with screaming and tears, so it’s not just a selfish thing.
A fear of dogs isn’t a rational thing, it’s not a behavioural thing, we have spent years teaching coping techniques, looked at behavioural dog courses etc. I always got it from both sides my child’s and the dog owners but at times felt more compassion could be shown for someone with a genuine fear, the nightmares, the tears, the anxiousness, not wanting to go to certain places as a dog would be there. It’s not just a silly thing they do it’s a phobia.

I am not an animal person and don't have a dog.
I think her attitude is rude and I wouldn't want some one so confrontational coming anyway.
She's no loss.

To those comparing it to having a pet tarantula loose in the house - if I knew you had a pet tarantula and you weren’t willing or able to put it somewhere I wouldn’t see it then I just wouldn’t visit and would catch up next time elsewhere

the other mum is making demands as to what OP does in her own house. The play date isn’t compulsory so she doesn’t need to attend if it doesn’t suit.

How much a pet means to someone is an individual judgement.You don’t have to consider a pet a family member, but that isn’t something you get to decide for someone else.

The only thing this mother will accept is this dog being shut away, so severe the phobia that her children can’t even bear the sight of dogs. Unfortunately for them, this does mean that they will miss out on events where dogs are present. Such is life.

I have older kids (2 adults,1 is 12) & 2 large dogs (boxer & GSD) if my niece/nephew visit i put the dogs in/garden or behind kitchen gate as tiny kids could get overwhelmed-my Shepherd is 2 so still quite bouncy. If kids/parents have dogs themselves & want to play with or see the dogs i let them out.

Tell her it's an invitation, not a summons. She can just not come.