AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Well it’s up to you isn’t it. It’s your dog, I’m sure she’ll be fine shut away but if you don’t want to then you’ll have to accept they won’t come … it’s your home 🤷🏻‍♀️
Sounds like a ridiculous over reaction to a passing dog and not sure why the mum allows it.
I wouldn’t shut my dog away for a play date anyway, he’d probably take himself off out the way.

If your dog can’t be kept in a different area to the kids for a couple of hours, then I’m assuming she can’t cope with being left alone ever OP? In which case, how do you manage when you have to go out? Do you have to arrange for someone to dog sit when you go shopping?

If you had bothered to read OPs posts she clearly explains why

It is unreasonable to invite someone round and then refuse to accommodate them. They’re your guest.

The thing is, the dog here is old and not healthy. It's got visual and spinal issues and gets severely distressed when it's shut away from its people. It's a vulnerable animal that an entitled mom wants OP to cause harm to so her kid can go to OP's house.

I used to lock my dog away, but that was he was scared of the visitors! Neither of you are wrong, but it’s not a point that can be compromised on. How will you daughter feel if those children don’t come? I think that’s what would help me make my decision, although I’d be reluctant to distress the dog in its own home.

Perhaps they could do a play date elsewhere another time, the park or similar?

it is your house so you decide, however be prepared to lose friends of your DD over this. I would suggest to close the dog away, be bright and breezy over it and maybe suggest a comprimise maybe you hold her and at the other end of the garden for 1 minute (don’t push it let her learn your trust), and go from there. Maybe be the person who helped her?

Or ask another parent to hold the get together, and then your dog will be locked up in a room anyway?

I like dogs, my DD is scared witless, some kids just need understanding and so does the Mum who probably is trying.

I think having 8 (more than 8?) excited children running around, that it would be a good idea to keep your dear dog out of the way, especially if some of the children would scream if it came near them. I think that would also be stressful for your dog. Will the mum's be there throughout as well?

Could you confine your dog in a larger area? like a whole room, with a play gate... so that the children who like dogs could pet them, but the ones who are nervous can just watch from a distance and get use to them.

Would it help to invite the Mum and girls round to meet the dog before hand without the others... ie dog in a room, with playgate and the girls can see him with your DD but from a distance and can see he's no threat? Or is there an area of the garden that could be sectioned off somehow?

Edited to add. A pp suggested having your dog on a lead (perhaps with one of your older children in charge of it at all times) maybe that would work, if you discussed it with the other mum. Even if you cant find a way.. at least you will have shown willing and the onus is on her to meet you half way, if that is possible.

But overall I don't think its fair to invite people round, when you know some of them would be uncomfortable. For example, what would you do if some of the children were heavily allergic to dogs? Or had actually been bitten in the past and were extra nervous.

I think rather than cause a big division between the group.. I'd try to find a way that might work, so that all could attend.

I don’t have time to trawl through every single post. I just find it very hard to believe that this dog is never ever left alone for any length of time. And there’s nothing to stop the OP from checking in on the dog during the play date.

I think the OP was annoyed by the request and was trying to make a point by refusing to keep the dog separate from the kids.

I’d say to the Mum:
Yes I understand you’ll have to have a difficult conversation with your daughter about missing out, I’m sorry for the situation.
Obviously it’s not appropriate for a child with a severe fear of dogs to come to a dogs home, let’s meet outside of my home soon.

you can’t be bothered to just read the OPs posts - the ones where she explains why the dog can be left alone in an empty house. Why bother contributing if you can’t even be bothered to engage with OPs explanations and ask questions that have already been answered? You can just click ‘see all’ on her first post and they are all there

Caveat. - I am wary of dogs as was bitten as a child. I also don't really like dogs - am a cat person
However, you are completely right for not locking your dog away and the other mum sounds like an entitled loon

What evidence is there that the mum is entitled? The OP saw themselves how scared the girls were of dogs. The mum just doesn’t want her kids being around a dog in a house because she knows how scared they are of dogs.

And I think you’re fucking rude but 🤷‍♀️

You think this poster is rude because they helpfully pointed out there is a function that allows you to read all of the relevant information before making a comment...

But overall I don't think its fair to invite people round, when you know some of them would be uncomfortable

So OP should have invited everyone else except them?

She might be placid in your opinion but if the children are that terrified she may be triggered and goodness knows what can happen. You are being unreasonable. They’ve asked politely. I would shut mine off if I was asked to. Depends on how much you value the friendship for your children, I guess

It's not worth upsetting the dog in her own home for children who are scared for no reason and who haven't been taught to deal with dogs.

I probably wouldn't if it was an old very placid dog. I was scared of dogs as a child but always fine with my friends very old ones. My children were the same.

Yes. And unless the issue was addressed It would also mean that you could never take your dog-fearing child for a walk on the common or in the woods. or go to the park or onto the beach at all.
I appreciate there may be some dog-free areas in any of the above but it may not be guaranteed.

I'm going to be honest I can completely understand why the OP started responding sarcastically. Would it kill people to read her posts before commenting.

Double posted due to grumpy wifi connection.

No, I would not shut your dog away. If your dog does not mind being crated or shut away, that's another matter. But if your dog gets stressed, then no. I went to some friends' once for a weekend and the husband insisted my dog sleep in their outhouse across the garden, and he barked in distress all night, and I was wrought all night. It was awful. She can keep her kids at home if it bothers her that much. It's not like you have an XX Bully. He is a 12-year-old Beagle, for goodness sake. They need to get used to animals, surely.

Having had senior pets myself I'm with you OP. I'd have never shut them away in a room for the sake of someone visiting. Their home, no other explanation needed. If someone coming into the house doesn't like it oh well, can see them someplace else. Thank you for putting your senior dog first! Her whole life has revolved around pleasing you so she deserves to be put first Not random kids your kid is friendly with. The senior dog is family.

one more thing, given your pooch's age and the fact that there will be lots of kids running about making a noise, I expect he will take himself off to a quiet corner of the house anyway. That's what dogs do.