AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

😁 I think my DH would love to be shut away from a houseful of marauding 5 year olds!

YABU. I would shut the dog away whether I was asked to or not.

Perfect response! Problem solved.

Although with someone who has said "now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out." I'm guessing there'll be a lot more drama to it than that.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You're not catering to a child's irrational fear with your own animal in your home who would be harmed by doing what the mom wants you to do. You suggested a good alternative, having your dog on a lead (that's what I used to do with one of my kids' friends who was afraid of dogs). They refused.

That child will have to get together with yours elsewhere and miss out on stuff at yours. Your dog is part of your household, you're responsible for their welfare, and you can't be expected to do something that would be so detrimental to the dog.

🤣🤣🤣 I think there'd be a stampede of acceptance if that was offered as an option!

My friends do this for my son it’s the just the initial fear then the dogs come out have a sniff and usually go and do their own thing he is fine then
im grateful they understand

Yeah, I shut my dog away if there are children or adults who are scared here but, if for any reason, I couldn’t then my visitors would have to make the decision to like it or stay away. Just like the OP’s visitors have had to.

Would do some children good to learn some resilience. They’re not always going to be invited or allowed everywhere.

Zero empathy for people who expect me to put a beloved pet through a lot of distress? Yes and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s not about how they feel , it’s about what they expect me to do.

People have a responsibility to do their best for their pets - their own pet trumps a random kid.

I grew up with a parent who was terrified of dogs but she never expected the world to revolve around that fear.

I wouldn’t be shutting my dog away, it’s the dogs home and it isn’t fair if they are used to the run of the house and then shut away on their own.

No that’s not what I meant at all. It’s fine to refuse the request but there is no need to be so rude about it . It’s zero empathy to say “I couldn’t be friends with someone like that” about a 5 year old who you know nothing about apart from that they are afraid of dogs. 5 year olds have all sorts of fears . It’s surprising to hear an adult say such a ridiculous comment about a 5 year old who is barely more than an infant . Then again you get all sorts here on mumsnet

I wouldn’t be friends with the 5yo because they are 5! When I was a similar age I wouldn’t have been friends with them though if their parent insisted on disrupting our home. I do feel empathy for people with phobias but they don’t get to distress my pet as a result.

I meant I couldn’t be friends with the parent who expected the OP to shut the dog away. But I think you realised that.

A dog is a dog, humans are more important. I'd shut it away.

Right . Yeh.

I’ve put UABU mainly as you’ve not offered a compromise. If I were you I’d offer to shut the dog away for a bit and then use it as an opportunity to help the girls overcome their fear of dogs. My son was petrified of dogs for no reason and going to the park was a nightmare so we dealt with it by getting him to be around and walk family dogs.

Our neighbours have an Alsatian who is a bit scary so when we were invited round they caged her and then brought her out on a lead and then when she was fine with everyone she was off lead - I even scruffled her! They offered to do this though, we didn’t ask.

YANBU I wouldn't shut my dog away in his own home for anyone, dogs are a part of our society and these girls need to learn to be around them without screaming their heads off. They have the option to attend and ignore the dog, who you say will probably ignore them anyway, or not to attend.

Read OPs posts - she offered compromises

Her elderly dog is not there to provide therapy for a kid. And no compromise is necessary. Asking for this is beyond rude in the first place.

👍🏻

@Anarchy99 you seem to have very little insight into the mind of a 5 year old I have to say

My child is scared of dogs. He was chased my one when he was little and it has put him off all dogs. We have a cat and he has a friend who is scared of cats. When that child comes over the cat is either shut outside or put in another room because I want to be a good host and have a happy child playing with my child. You may think that the fear is stupid and irrational but it’s not your fear and it is a valid reaction. The mum is perfectly within her rights to ask for you to accommodate, you are within your rights to value your dog over this child. I disagree with your choice, presumably if the child was allergic you might actually accommodate so I don’t quite see why you wouldn’t in this situation but it is your choice, and it’s her choice to feel upset on her child’s behalf.

No not really. Not normal at all.

Actually it’s totally normal . Totally and utterly normal . Sometimes for the sake of the dog , sometimes for the sake of other humans

This thread shows again the different perception of the place of dogs in people's life and heart.

Nowadays, dogs are much more than a pet included in the family for the purpose of entertaining them when it suits. They are fully integrated with family life and their needs are considered as the needs of a family member

This concept is hard to comprehend for people who don't have pets, don't like dogs or indeed still consider dogs as an item of entertainment only.

So I’m within my rights to put people on the spot and ask them if I can bring my dog when I visit? They should be bending over backwards to be a good host so will surely agree.

More chance of me putting the kids in a room than shutting my dog away in her home. I understand kids are scared but that's on the mum to sort, it's not my fault or my girls fault. My step mum isn't a fan of dogs so when she comes we keep her on a lead to reassure she won't go over to her as much as she wants to say hello. I would not be locking her in a different room, more chance of plaiting rocking horse shit.