AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Right?! I once missed out on a birthday party to Alton Towers in my 20s.

I just don't enjoy rollercoasters, rides etc - it's a trust thing! Also don't enjoy the feeling of my stomach being in my throat... 😂

I didn't demand that alternate plans were made that took into account my preferences. I just declined (birthday girl totally fine about it)

This is how normal interactions work.

I would shut my dog away in this scenario anyway because frankly I wouldn’t trust 8 kids running around not to get over the top with the dog. If I knew I could t shut the dog away I wouldn’t have arranged such a big play date until I knew there was somewhere else for the dog to go or you DH would be home to sit with the dog.

I love dogs but I do think sometimes some owners get too laid back with the “oh he’s a placid friendly thing he will love it” and forget the unpredictability of kids and the fact that no dog is immune to reacting to potentially being stressed or man handled by a kid. I think it’s irresponsible personally but I am probably over cautious about the situations I put my dog in.

Our dog is the same and would hate to be confined to one room for hours at a time when there are new people in the house. He could settle if no one is there but he needs to meet anyone visiting to relax. He's always been like this and whilst he is now very old and placid that hasn't changed. I think it's perfectly normal behaviour and I always introduce him to visitors and he then buggers off, no problem. Not only do I think this mother is unreasonable I think she and the father are irresponsible to not be taking their children's phobia more seriously. It is absolutely not normal to have kids screaming, crying and clambering up a parent at the mere sight of a dog who is not approaching them. The poor kids need help.

I have a cat, who would probably be wary of child visitors and keep out of their way. Have never had a dog, and am leaning towards the ‘would it hurt to shut the dog in for a couple of hours?’ camp. Especially as you’ve seen in person how scared the children in question are even of placid dogs. However…I have asked friends and relatives in the past not to bring their dogs into the house, as I know the scent and presence of dogs would upset my cat, even if he had absented himself temporarily, and I don’t want him uncomfortable in his own house, so I do understand!

The child could be ND? There are a lot of dismissive, unsympathetic people here. You can’t just ‘work’ on a phobia and expect magic results. The child is young. It takes time. Sometimes a lifetime.

The whole Mumsnet narrattive about kids being more important than dogs blows my mind. Frankly, I don't give a shit about other people's kids. I don't wish harm to them, my dog would always come before some ransom's child.

But it’s both her children?

as a parent you put your child first but you can’t expect other people to prioritise your kids

Then you shouldn’t have kids or frankly interact with people. Absolutely appalling.

In a year or two, this dog will be dead. The little girl will still be in the OPs DDs class.

I think your best bet to salvage the relationships is to be the bigger person and apologise for not making it clear at an early stage that your DH simply can't be shut away. I can understand that her reactive response made that difficult and it sounds like she is difficult to deal with.

A ND family will often have more than one child on the spectrum.

I do expect someone who has my invited my child to a play date at their home to look after and prioritise all the children equally. The OP doesn’t sound like a suitable host for play dates frankly. Think the Mum is better off not letting her child go.

The mother has made her children scared of dogs. It’s very sad. Do not shut your dog away. Offer to introduce your dog to them gently and safely. It’s your home. Your rules. Stand firm.

It’s a play date that the kid will miss out on. It’s hardly the end of the world

and let’s face it, in 5 years time this kid and her mum will most likely not be in their lives anymore.

How has the mother made them scared of dogs I seem to have missed that bit of information in the OP's posts?

My two were very nervous around dogs when they were younger. I am so glad for people like yourself who allowed them to spend time with good natured, well behaved and soft as muck dogs. My auntie had a huge bear like Labrador who was as soft as muck. Each time we visited my children became more and more relaxed. We would find them cuddling him like a teddy bear.

Now they are both dog mad. My DD wants to become a police dog handler. I cant ever picture them without a dog and we have 2 of our own.

I have sympathy with anyone scared of dogs but i do not agree with everyone having to change for their circumstances and absolute refusal to see how it goes. It could be just the kind of therapy they need, like it was for my children.

Neither will the dog by the sounds of it!

Sure - but I imagine the whole family will have many warm memories of the dog and these kids will just be an afterthought

These sort of intense planned play dates eventually fall apart usually with the adults falling out when there is a group of 8, once the division happens the cracks start and the group falls apart with parents never speaking again.

It is ridiculous to invite 8, 5 year olds around an elderly blind dog.

Let us know how it works out for you. 😅

lol! Funnily enough I think the OP would be getting a whole lot less support if it were her DH who had to be shut away. 🤣

I absolutely disagree with PPs suggesting to invite the child to meet the dog and start getting over phobia etc etc

That will go down like a cup of cold vomit.

Just don't get involved. Say the dog will not be shut away, they probably won't come, job done.

Don't offer your friendly dog as a form of therapy, it's not your job to desensitise a child to dogs... especially when the mother clearly does not want this. We are not supposed to foist our friendly dogs onto people saying "he's friendly" - bad bad bad idea.

The mother doesn't want to address the phobia, so don't get involved in trying to do that.

They don’t sound particularly likable.

All the talk about OP being a rude host, and ‘sorry that won’t be possible’ and offering alternative play dates really doesn't constitute being rude, as if the mother hasn’t shown herself to be a demanding guest.

We're talking about senile dogs with dementia not young dogs who have been poorly trained.

Interacting with a nice placid dog to get over a fear of dogs is ok in theory but in practice the reason why they have a fear in the first place is because someone has let their dog have a go at them.

And it will happen again. Some owners are just arses.

It's the dogs home.
If visitors dont like it, dont visit.

How has the mum made her daughter scared of dogs?

the OP doesn’t have to shut the dog away as it’s her house, her dog etc.

But the scared child also doesn’t have to be forced to be fixed. We don’t know the background and trauma and sometimes phobic people can cause more distress to the animals. I don’t think it’s sensible. If the family want to get support that’s on them but it should be from someone trained and a proper desensitisation programme designed that does not start with the actual dog.

Ive met a few old and placid dogs - and they’re not all as described, so it’s also not sensible for the family to trust that description. If not done right it could make the phobia worse. With loads of kids and parents round all could act unexpectedly and OP will be concentrating on the play date.

best if phobic family miss this one. She shouldn’t have been rude about it though. She just should accept that it’s up to the OP.

edited OP to family in one sentence as I muddled myself

It's even worse with the vomity updates - why would someone want their child in a home where the dog vomits when stressed/upset? Probably more likely to vom when there are 8 little kids running around. No thanks.