AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Honestly OP, this is the first in a series of issues that tend to arise from ‘group’ friendships. A group of 8 is going to end up with issues like this.

Simply go back, say that ‘you are sorry if your original reply seemed abrupt, but this is the dog’s home and you cannot shut him away because they have health issues and doing so would distress both the dog but your children. Ie in this instance, you need to prioritise your own children and family pet and cannot see a compromise that will give her/her kids what she needs. However, you can swap/reschedule for when DH is around so that he can take pooch out, unless friend is willing to skip this meet up given there are lots of them planned.’

Going forward, there will be camping trips and parties where people will be left out, where all but one will be invited to 50th birthday groups (see another thread), where someone will bring their best friend/sister in law and introduce them to the group and the dynamic will change, where one or other will designate themselves the leader [Queen Bee syndrome], where one or more couple will split up, where one or more child will be diagnosed with SEN…

You will not be able to ‘remain friends’ will all of them. At the moment you are linked by postcode and children’s ages, not actually things the 8 of you have in common on an intrinsic, personal level. Over time that fails to be enough to keep you connected and you will be lucky to retain one or two of this group a genuinely good friends [and that his a really good result, by the way]. From what you describe, this woman will not be one of those lasting friends, so try not to over think it or panic - she can come/not come or you can try to reschedule/swap for when DH is around. Other than that, in the words of my guru, Skipper from Madagascar “Smile and Wave.”

I agree with this. If I were another parent in the party (not the mother of the phobic child) I wouldn’t be too worried about (for example) accommodating your availability or preferences, since you don’t seem that interested in accommodating other children. Inclusion breeds inclusion, the reverse is also true.

I wouldn't shut my dog away - he'd howl until let out and it would spoil anyone's enjoyment (particularly mine). If the dog-phobic kids don't want to come then they can stay away.

That is a bit misguided given that plenty of children with ASD LOVE dogs. Of course some won't, but IMO/E that should not be used to help diagnose.

what the hell?!?! Poor thing! 💔 those people should be in prison

Please give him a little treat and/or belly rub and say "this one is from BiteSizedLife you gorgeous little thing"

Your decision is 100% your own OP, but this will not be forgotten in your DD's circle.

That is exactly how you treat a phobia though. Through gradual exposure.

The world is full of dogs. OP shutting her dog away would solve the problem for that day. But it’s gonna be a long old life for her daughters if they’re going to be terrified every time they see a dog. Much better to treat the phobia now.

You are going to be a dog warden the whole time. Do you have family or neighbours who will take him in for a couple of hours.

I trust my dog but I will never trust other people's dogs. They could switch at any moment. My partner is a gas engineer and he struggles to do his job because people won't let him in because they have dogs. There is this obsession with owning and controlling an animal.

So people will hold the op’s decision not to distress her dog against her?

@BiteSizedLife they were prosecuted. Belly rub given!

That's fine and something that dog owners accept as being part and parcel of being responsible for their pet's wellbeing.

I accept that I cannot accommodate [insert dog related request] so I accept that in turn people might not accommodate something I would like in future.

But it is the price I knowlingly and gladly pay for having my dog every day.

My uncles dog could have a row in his old age if you poked him enough. Dogs are not toys to play with and show off they are animals.

Pet owner here, I absolutely would have shut the dog away! Is it really worth all this fuss? Dog will be absolutely fine in a comfy room with food and water for a few hours.

Honestly, if you're having 8 little kids over anyway, it might be better for the dog to have some peace and space away from shrieking kids and annoying little hands?

Another poster who has obviously not read the OP's posts.

It sounds like you already don't like her and are therefore are less likely to want to accommodate her child. Maybe it’s a ND family?

The op also said her dog was distressed when the builders visited. Lots of noise would have made her irritable. If she locked her dog away when children visited I doubt they would be as noisy as the builders. The op would have to lock him away before they arrived so he can settle and sleep.

He's better than most people. He has got me through a couple of very tough times in my life and means a lot to me. That's okay.

I’m not sure what I’d actually do in this situation as I would feel badly for a child missing out but also I don’t think it’s fair to shut the dog away! I guess it would depend onthe relationship with the other family and how upset I think the dog would be over being shut away. Their mum is really doing them no favours if she’s just expecting they’ll be able to avoid dogs for their entire lives! It sounds like they spend very little time outside…

Most playdates my kids have been on dogs were shut away.

Then you shouldn't be allowed to own pets, if you would shut away an elderly dog who vomits, howls and would be very distressed. It's quite a strange boast really.

Honestly OP you’ve done nothing wrong

i personally would put my dogs above someone else’s kids in their own home. Do I put the dogs in another room if a child comes round who doesn’t like dogs - sure - but the dogs don’t mind. If they did then the child wouldn’t be welcome.

there was a similar Mum at DDs school and when she wasn’t chosen as a parent volunteer for trips she would just turn up! She was always demanding her child’s needs were prioritised over all the other children’s and people got fed up at being told her dd was so special to her and we couldn’t understand what it was like to love a child that way 🤨

Love how people are saying @QuarryQueen DD's won't forgive her for this.

I refused to lock my dogs away for my DD's friends when parents asked. I said my DDs could either go to their house, or they could come to mine but the dogs wouldn't be locked away. My entire downstairs minus the study and the utility/boot room is open planned. I put my dogs happiness (four big dogs crammed into one room for hours is not reasonable) first. Even from a very young age, DDs understood that.

DDs aren't friends with the children who's parents did ask anymore...but they are friends with children who are dog savvy and it's fine. My dogs are loose, ignore the children - as they would have done regardless, even eight years ago when this was first an 'issue' - and everyone bumps along.

I get the parents concern, but ultimately they don't get to demand what happens in my house. If they're not happy with it, their child doesn't need to come over. Simple as that.

Does the dog go upstairs? Maybe they can just stay there for a couple of hours.

But it’s your home at the end of the day, if the dog is shaking and distressed by being locked away then absolutely not.
It’s very entitled of the mother to ask you to put the dog away! It’s a play date for god sake her kids will survive not coming over. If the kids are that bothered with a dog being in the house then just shutting her away isn’t going to work anyway, is it?

I have always had dogs. Some kids are scared of them - it is just how it is. I think you either put your dog elsewhere or don't host tbh.

So she shouldn’t host the other 6 kids who aren’t scared of dogs because of the 2 that are?

if the other parents think the OP is being mean then they can turn down the invite themselves but I wouldn’t be cancelling