AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

No but this poster literally suggested she couldn’t be friends with someone who is afraid of dogs. And when someone made a suggestion of doing something helpful it’s met with “not my problem “. Like on this thread it’s the dogs way or no way . No compromise and it’s all about the dog .

A playdate isn't a summons. They don't have to come.

The mum needs to help them acclimatise to dogs though. There is no way to avoid them when out in public, so to be screaming and terrified at just the sight of a dog needs dealing with.

Presumably OP and the girls' mother are friends and both like/ care about the children.

This is a way that the girls could both be gently encourage to move past their fear and also be included in the day.

This. You and your DD presumably like these people, why wouldn’t you try to make them feel comfortable?

I feel like this country has really forgotten basic manners and courtesy to one another. Of course it’s your right to keep the dog out, it’s your house after all, but you are hosting people for a couple of hours and choosing to make them upset during this time is very poor manners.

Whilst I can totally have empathy for the girls who are terrified of dogs, there’s no way I’d shut my little dog away if it meant it resulting in her being stressed and vomiting. You have offered to put your dog on a leash. You have offered to switch dates. It’s the girl’s mother who is being difficult!
She’s going to find her girls are excluded from lots of things if she’s this unreasonable.
You say she’s generally an anxious person, so I assume she’s feeding their anxiety around dogs too. When push comes to shove, she either accepts one of your compromises, or they don’t come 🤷🏻‍♀️

Even if it’s highly distressed, shakes and vomits? I don’t think some people should have dogs if you’re ok with that

To be fair I wouldnt be friends with someone who has a fear of dogs. not deliberately, just the friendship would never get off the ground - inconvenient all round.

Because I have a dog.

But it is, in this scenario, isn’t it? This group of friends have a meet -up rota and a series of playdates organised. It is only the one at OP’s that this family cannot attend - the solution is that this family miss this one. I am sure every family in the group will miss one of the scheduled meet ups due to illness, holiday, family etc. This ‘friend’ needs to accept that she either supports her children (ie, gets over her own internalised fear of dogs/germs) or skips that meet up.

My family are highly allergic to cats, when my NCT group planned a meet at a friend with cats we either skipped it if it was winter (ie we were in side) or accepted and stayed outside in the garden when it was the summer. Our choice.

I’ve a dog and have people in my life who are afraid of dogs . It doesn’t affect my life in any way . I don’t spend 100 percent of my time with my dog so I am able to spend time with people who are afraid of dogs . It seems odd to me that you would not be able to manage it

She sounds neurotic and is not helping her child by encouraging his entitlement and should recognise that his phobia needs therapy. Keep loving your dog who is innocent in all this and has been your loving best friend for years.

Your girl? Eh?

I put our dog into doggy daycare when I have kids over, I used to have him on a lead as two are terrified of dogs. Life is so much easier than ‘can anyone tell me if they have to go through the kitchen?’ etc. It’s not a big deal op if it means parents don’t have to worry every time their child mentions going to your house

My daughter is allergic to dogs (been tested and has various allergies) and my son is terrified of them (a big dog jumped into the back of our parked car onto him as a toddler when he was strapped into his car seat and I was taking his pram out of the boot - terrified him - the dog should have been on a lead and of course the owners came along laughing, oh sorry about that, don't worry he wouldn't hurt a fly). A dog also licked my daughter when she was a toddler when we were out walking. Her eye closed over and her face was swollen for days.

My daughter's best friend has a dog and I am so so grateful that her friend's mum (who is now my good friend ) locks the dog away when we come over. My son plays with her son too so we go there regularly (& she comes to ours too). The dog is fine, he's in the garden when we are inside or in the living room when we are outside. I know people love their dogs so much but really is putting the dog in another room with some dog treats and checking on it regularly for an hour or 2 really not possible. Maybe over time the children could be introduced to the dog when it's in your arms or on a lead OP and slowly build up to not being scared.

I think it was a reasonable request and it was met with a rude response. and the children have no option to “go outside “ as the dog is going to be where the children are with no compromise .

I agree.

Friendships need to work on so many levels.

I don’t think I have a single friend who hates dogs, and I never actively set out to avoid people like that, it just happened.

Having said that, I firmly believe that a person’s character is revealed in the way they treat animals.

Oh I live alone! Probably should have included that, sorry. Obvs affects how long the dog can be left etc

Ps the people who’s dogs get distressed from being put into a room need to start working with them, same if they don’t like going to kennels etc. putting them away with a favourite blanket and toy for small amounts of time mean when it’s unsafe for them to be in a certain area or work has to be done there it’s not a big deal

I think these types of comments are disgraceful. As mentioned many times, the majority of children's who feel this irrational terror are often neurodivergent.

I have been on both sides of the coin, aware that parents judged assuming that we encouraged DS to be petrified, he ran out on to a main road with traffic to avoid a dog, not exactly a normal
reaction so please show some empathy.
It is disgusting, insulting the mother and her DC when this is probably the top of the iceberg in terms of unnatural fears.

OP has the right to say no, the mother was rude but she’s helpless in this situation and everyone agreed to scheduled play dates it’s unfair this child can’t go. The mother will get over it, it won’t be the first or last when her child who isn’t hitting milestones like the other children is left out.

The other child is innocent too.

So many fucking obnoxious posters who haven't bothered to read the OP's posts. It's not hard.
The dog is old and newly very distressed by being shut away. I hope none of these self righteous people ever get old, distressed and confused and are treated with such contempt.

Exactly people keep saying the kids need therapy but dogs need to be able to manage by themselves for a short while . In this case the ops dog is elderly and has health issues so it’s understandable why she can’t tolerate being alone but it shouldn’t be the default that dogs can’t be alone in a room for a short while or in the garden while people are inside.

Most adults are not afraid of dogs. The children who are eventually learn to trust them. Unless you are planning on mixing with children you shouldn’t have this problem.

Totally agree! What's the mother doing to try and reduce her children's alleged fear of dogs? I wonder if her attitude towards dogs is feeding her children's fear as I think often happens, parents feeding a child's fears.
She can't demand how other people run their homes, what next, 'you can't take your dog to the park if we are going'.

It’s up to you what you do but be aware

• Playdates in future will be arranged around houses where all the kids feel comfortable and that won’t be your home

• A dog that is highly anxious, isn’t a docile dog and there could potentially be other triggers that you don’t yet know about. This fear of being in a room developed recently….other fears could surface at this play date.

Aww don't worry, I only ever leave him if a) he's asleep in a safe place and I can get back before he wakes up or b) it's an emergency and his second-favourite people can look after him. Visitors who are scared of dogs do not count as an emergency 😆
The rest of the time, he's he's being pandered to around the clock, waited on hand and foot, and wheeled around in a dog pram.

We’re talking about this senior dog and this situation. Not all dogs.

My current dog was beaten, burnt and starved by the previous owners. Can I cut him some slack whilst trying to boost his confidence or does he need to be shown who the pack leader is and locked away on the whim of a visitor?