AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Surely you’d never have a mentally senile dog around a group of visiting children? So in that case, the dog would need to be away from the children anyway

No worse than dictating to people what they should do in their own homes. If the child is likely to lose her shit at the sight of a dog, she needs therapy, not everyone having to work around her fear.

But she is a friend of OP's child. Effectively OP would have to tell her child that the dog comes before her. Not a good look.

It wasn’t dictating . It was a reasonable request which was met by a rude response . It’s totally understandable why she was annoyed . And therapy is not necessarily required. Have you actually spent any time with small children ? They have all sorts of fears they don’t carry into adulthood it’s completely normal

At least @QuarryQueen is upfront about not keeping her dog away from frightened children. We had two incidents when DC was small and nervous when family members said they would keep the dogs away during a visit. on both occasions that lasted an hour and then they brought the dog/s out to show how friendly they were. It did not go well and only increased DSs fear.

Good thing it isn’t and that parents can chose - they all met the dog when they visited my home for initial screening, so it is entirely parental choice to place their child in a pet-friendly setting - the children who were with me benefited from exposure to a loving, gentle animal who broadened their life experiences and helped to develop empathy. Most of them went on to get dogs of their own.

That's exactly what I did. I'm not a spider lover by any means, but as a result of being up close and personal to a tarantula, and holding her on my hand, I am a lot better!

People banging on about the OP’s rudeness and effectively telling the her child the dog is more important don’t really believe what they’re typing they? It’s just a wind up or an inability to admit they’re wrong at this point surely?

Don't shut the dog away, poor thing.

Of course the dog is more important to you than some random ridiculous child.

At the same time, the child's more important to its mum than your dog.

But the playdate is happening at your house. So your family comes first. Fuck her.

What about shutting the children away instead? 😅😂

Anyway, do let us know how this pans out wont you @QuarryQueen ?

Why is it not a good look to show care and empathy for the NEEDS of another living creature over accommodating someone who doesn’t need to be there? Even as a child, I wouldn’t have had a friend who insisted on my animals being shut away.

But then I was raised to think we have a responsibility to cater to the needs of those dependent on us. My animals are more important to me than some random child. If the child is going to lose her shit at the sight of a dog, it’s going to be a very difficult childhood for her, but that’s for her parents to sort.

This thread is grim.

Op has a responsibility to the animals in her care. This isn’t a case of “it’s my dog’s house so they should be able to run around and get in the way and generally be a nuisance“. It’s a question of welfare.

Intentionally causing an elderly, partially blind dog to become so anxious it shakes and vomits for hours just so some child can come over and play is abusive.

If the girl can’t be around dogs then she can’t come, it’s unfortunate for the girl but a very simple decision.

If they can’t be around dogs then don’t take them to places where dogs live in the first place. Even if the owners had shut them away there’s a possibility that they could have got out. It’s not complicated.

Since your dog is very placid it could be a good opportunity to support these kids to get past their fear a little bit.

Why not suggest they come over beforehand, just the kids and their mum, meet the dog and say hello in a very gentle and controlled way? - Dog on the lead in the garden, etc. If they don't like the dog and the girls are too scared, they can go home (but phrase this in a way that it is very much the girls' choice - not in a 'go home then' sort of way!)

Shutting the dog away shouldn't really be on the table as it distresses the dog so much, and I don't think it helps for things to always revolve around the children.

But they should have the opportunity to gently meet the dog and see that it is not scary, before deciding whether or not they want to stay.

My son was terrified of dogs when he was younger (loves them now) and I would never have dreamt of asking someone with a dog to put them away. No OP you are not unreasonable at all, no way would I shut away a 12 year old dog when I know it would stress them out.

I do have a dog now and if someone wanted to come over and asked me to put her away, I wouldn't. Either don't come or meet somewhere else is what I would say.

Except it’s unfair on the dog to subject her to kids screaming and crying at the sight of her. It’s not the OP’s job to provide therapy.

No, she would be telling her that her dog’s needs might come ahead of this particular want. In my book, that’s an excellent look. There will be other play dates. Do you think teaching a kid that one afternoons pleasure, among many other such events from the sound of it, is more important than the welfare of their dog?

They most likely won't scream and cry though, because the adults will prepare them well for it and talk to them beforehand.

The hysterical reaction is probably partly shock at the sudden appearance of something they are frightened of.

Not my job not my problem “me me me” all over these posts .

Why do dog people think a dog is the only way to develop empathy? I’m not against animals, the lady I have chosen keeps chickens, which I think is far more appropriate and far less likely to result in someone having their face bitten off

Agree!
My Mum's dog became partially blind and senile. She was an old girl, just pottered around....
To have shut her in a room would have been just cruel. She would have been so distressed at not being able to get out, it would have made her ill.

Isn’t it the girl’s mother’s job to help
her get over her fears?

She seems to have abdicated, stating that she’s tried everything.

You need therapy. A cuddly spaniel is not going to chew a child’s face off. Are you the OP’s ‘friend’?

PS… where in my replies have I suggested a dog is ‘the only way to develop empathy’?

Yeah... if this was my friend and her kids (who presumably OP cares about/ likes in some way as they are pals who she's invited over), I would be happy to work together and find ways to support them. I also really don't think it's going to traumatise the dog if the children are well prepared and gently introduced. If the dog is that sensitive then I doubt OP would have invited 8 kids over in the first place.

Sounds to me like the mum is projecting the fear to her children....