AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

How was I rude? I simply said "sorry I won't be able to do that". When she asked why I said "my dog gets really upset when shut away behind a door. She's old and gets confused." She then questioned why I was putting my dog before her children and I explained my dog is my responsibility and loves in my house. I also went on the explain how she reacts to being shut away and offers compromises such as leash or tethering. I wasn't rude at any point.

The most common sense on this thread

I would tell her not to bother bringing them.Your dog lives there they’re just visiting.

Given your circumstances, YANBU.
we used to put our dog away so the neighbour’s phobic child could come and play, but he wasn’t old and although he didn’t like it he wasn’t traumatised by it in the same way your old girl would be.

I think you’ve been more than reasonable in your suggestions. This is one play date, it’s not going to harm this woman’s children to miss it. And it’s a terrible lesson to teach kids that their wants should always take priority over an animals needs. I can’t imagine my dd wanting a play date which left her beloved dog so upset.

Oh my gosh, that broke my heart a little!

It’s her home she shoudn’t have to be put away IS a rude way of saying it . It implies her perfectly reasonable and normal request was totally unreasonable. With mitigating factors taken into account your reason for not wanting to put the dog away is reasonable as well, but the way you have described it , it was not communicated that way

It's a beagle. The children will have to go home immediately anyway because of the noise it'll make when locked in a room.

You think it's rude. Others, like myself, think it's factual and to the point. 🤷‍♀️

It helps that the OP has included additional context. But her original response wasn't rude. It's the dog's home, and it shouldn't have to be put away.

My DD doesn't really understand as we've had lots of playdates and her best friend was scared of dogs when she first came round but her mum wanted to help her get over it. 20 mins in she was stroking Beagle's belly. I'm not saying all children can or should react the same but for DD she just thinks "oh it's okay, Beagle can help her not be scared".

I’m in two minds about this - it’s your house (and your dogs!) so technically it is up to you and they don’t have to be come. But I do feel you are being difficult and haven’t really tried to accommodate at all - can someone not even take the dog a walk so the girls can come for a little while? You DD obviously wants them there. I am terrified of dogs so I get where they are coming from, people always think their dogs are placid and lovely and this isn’t always the case with strangers.

I dunno it’s batshit and I’ll be labelled anti dog here despite the fact I foster dogs and let my dog sleep in my bed . But a dog doesn’t just trump everyone else cos it’s their house . There was nothing wrong with the request most normal well raised dogs are perfectly able to spend time alone . This isn’t a normal situation and it wasn’t communicated that way

You are unblievably entitled.

It is staggering that you think simply saying "it's the dogs home she shouldnt have to be locked away" is rude

🤯

Why won’t she understand? The OP hasn’t mentioned that her own daughter is as thick as two short planks has she?

Sophia isn’t coming because she is scared of dogs. Eight other friends will be here in twenty minutes.

Your dog isn’t “people” though is it?

lets hope you never have a dog who becomes deaf and maybe a bit mentally senile. It’s not about training. Think for a moment about how the needs of people can change as they get older. It’s similar with dogs and you can’t explain to them what’s happening.

I’m not entitled I’m just empathetic to other human beings unlike a lot of the ignorant dog owners on this thread it seems .

We had someone visit to pick up an item - she had been to the house before and knew we had cats. The third time she visited, she brought her child into the house who took one look at the cats (who weren’t taking any notice of her) and started screaming the place down.

Safe to say, neither of them are allowed in the house now.

It is rude. I think it’s that phrasing that gets people’s back up (I have heard it before from my dickhead SIL which doesn’t help). It’s patronising and sounds a bit wet. It also shuts down any attempt at trying to compromise.

She’s a living sentient being who is the OPs responsibility.

Your empathy doesn't extend to other sentient beings then.

I’m surprised by this thread - my dad was a farmer, we had dogs, most we knew did, and most people round here are “dog people”. Shutting dogs away when children visited was just the done thing. I’d never expect not to, even if the child was happy with dogs. Why would we want children around the dogs? These were well-trained, extremely happy working dogs. They were very placid at home. We still always had an awareness that they are in fact dogs and you never know what might set them off. I also remember some adult friends of my mums not being keen, and they’d be shut out for them too. Just basic hosting…

where does it shut down compromise? In fact it opens it up. Dog being on a lead for example is a compromise (and OP offered)

But no - this rude entitled woman wants to didtate the dog is shut away like a surplus piece of furniture

I don’t particularly like dogs but I’m empathetic to animals. The child doesn’t have to visit if it means trying to dictate to the host.

I would have cut off the child myself if she had been my friend as, even when I was a kid, I couldn’t be friends with someone who was like that.

explain why it doesn’t ? Did you actually read my posts .

lol I “couldn’t be friends with someone who is like that “. That just says it all really . Zero empathy . Zero thought for other people and how they feel.