AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I would have banned my friends from my house by that age myself if they lost their shit every time they saw my pet.

Isn't that always the case 😆You had me a partially blind, I've got to be honest - my dog is completely blind and he can't be left alone. He isn't dramatic about it, and more than half of mumsnet would deem him to be absolutely fine, but he will just slowly bump into obstacles continuously until he loses heart, and slumps down in a sad heap, pressumably awaiting death or my return - whichever happens sooner. I can leave him with someone but he will still be in a mental state that we refer to as "too sad for ice cream" - meaning there is no treat special enough to cheer him up 😐

You don’t accept things gracefully when someone is rude and ignorant about it which the op was first .

I have ruled out every single childminder that has a dog in my area. I cannot believe it is allowed.

BEAGLES are the most placid of dog breeds

Sadly this is why Beagles are used in lab experiments. There is one in Cambridge UK that some people have been trying to campaign against for years.

You really do when it comes to you asking them for a favour.

TBH both the OP and the scared child's mum don't come out of this well.

A polite request to keep the dog away from the children was not unreasonable, and a polite explanation as to why this would not be possible would also not be unreasonable. The mum's hysterical response and the OP's response were both unreasonable.

And I say this as someone who doesn't mind dogs cats are better

Rude and ignorant or just not giving someone what they want?

It’s neither rude nor ignorant to prioritise the needs of living creatures you are responsible for over the wants of children you are not.

I understand your point of view more now that you have explained how upset your dog gets.

However.. I don't understand how/why you got into this situation where your dog can't ever be shut away - I would have trained that out of the dog a long time ago because I wouldn't want to have to deal with looking after the dog while there were lots of children around, not just because of the safety and comfort of the children but also because of the safety and comfort of the dog.

I don't understand why it's become so acceptable to indulge clingy dogs.

My dog is nearly 14 and no way would she be shut away. She would be so distraught. I totally understand the Mums feelings on this, but when you have a dog, they are your family and your house is their house.

It is extremely common for young children who have autism or are suspected of having autism who are terrified of dogs.
We had to do training with DS when he was 4, all he saw was sharp teeth and the ability to jump in your face, he’d climb on my head to get away.
Now he adores animals, especially calm animals

You clearly didn't read all the posts otherwise you'd realise you can't train age and loss of eye sight out of a dog...

You do if you are demanding changes to a home that is not yours.

How embarassing.

p.s. - OP was neither rude nor ignorant

My dog is 2 and perfectly healthy

I still wouldn't shut her away [in her own home] like an inconvenient sack of potatoes getting in the way

I bet some people on here could 🙄

How comes “no is a complete sentence” unless it involves dogs?

I have read the posts - OP basically said that she hasn't shut the dog away for years so it isn't used to it anymore. Could have been dealt with by keeping up the training

You offered reasonable compromises. Unfortunately, that mum needs to face reality that such an extreme fear of dogs is going to have a serious impact on her children for their entire life. That's inevitable.

My best friend was bitten as a child and developed a phobia of dogs. All her life was spent avoiding them and letting it rule a big chunk of her life. One day, she decided she had enough. This was a couple of years before I got a dog. My dog is a small, very cute and totally not scary. She decided my dog was a good one to start the process. Oh the joy in her eyes when she had her sitting on her lap. She then moved on with the large dog of another friend. She is still wary and will never be totally comfortable but she can be around dogs.

This mum is doing a totally disservice to her children. That's her problem though, not yours, sadly for the children.

Yes she is very anxious and on high alert constantly. Myself and the group of mums we are friendly with often have to reassure her about things such as school trips as she whips herself onto a frenzy about her child going somewhere without her if she can't go on the trip with them.

I have read the posts - OP basically said that she hasn't shut the dog away for years so it isn't used to it anymore. Could have been dealt with by keeping up the training
Why would she do this though? For the one off children who will miss out on a party because their mum can't be bothered to deal with the issue? Ridiculous!

No one has to accept rudeness like that.

That is pathetic
Sounds like she has way too much time on her hands. Doesn’t work?

"Not accepting" what you consider rudeness would be disengaging, not interacting with that person again .. what's that beloved word du jour "boundaries" - putting some of those in place

Not doubling down on your demands to change their home environment.

People I love. My husband, dogs and children

People I don't love. My daughters friends

Helpful?

Oh we’re taking about the child’s mum? I thought you meant the op first.

This can’t be the initial rudeness you’re talking about “I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away.”

I don’t know if this has been suggested yet but this might be a good opportunity for the mother to help her children get over their fear of dogs? We have two dogs and have had children over who are scared of dogs we always start with them kept away from the visiting children but once they have been at the house a while we ask if they’d like to meet the dog on a lead etc. I guess this might not be something you’d want to do if your dog gets upset shut away for even a short length of time.