AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Mind boggling isn't it?

This kind of parenting is a big part of what is wrong with society.

"I have a preference therefore the entire world must accommodate meeeeeeeeeee"

and before anyone comes at me with "it is a phobia not a preference" - you're wrong. No one is dragging thr fhild into the house to be face to face with the dog - she can simply not attend the house.

Why are there so many people on here saying let the dog be distressed and unwell in its own home, to accommodate another persons children. This is odd.
the mum can choose to bring her kids or not, she has that gift. OP doesn’t have to fix things at the cost of her own pets and environment for another woman’s kids.
the entitlement of that mum to get furious and confrontational is outrageous. You can ask someone to be accommodating but trying to bully them in a group what’s app is something else. It would be a hard no from me after that.

I think the crux of it is the way it was phrased was rude . I think it’s fine to say look I’m sorry but I can’t do that my dog is elderly and unwell and gets very distressed . Happy to have a play date somewhere else at another time . Would have been a fine way to say it . The way it was said came across pretty ignorant and it’s no wonder the other mother got her back up .

It's an environment called HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE

OP is bringing up her child to understand that pets are not to be shoved away as soon as they are inconvenient. The dog hasn't always been like this, her issues are down to her age and declining health, and in a few more year, she will be gone. If pets serve a purpose within a family, it's to teach everyone that caring for another being comes with responsibilities, and sometimes sacrifices. If more people understood the importance of having that kind of compassion for the animals they choose to have in their lives, we would actually have far fewer unwanted pets in shelters, fewer neglected animals in people's homes, and (this is important for The Dog-haters Of Mumsnet) fewer untrained and ill-mannered dogs out in public.

It’s tough though. Personally I find it incredibly rude that anyone would dictate what people should do in their own homes. The OP shouldn’t be put in that position in the first place

Surely, it's a basic tenet of offering hospitality that you do everything you can to make your guests comfortable (eg giving them the best bedroom, catering to their food preferences, no matter how picky)? So, in this instance, the dog needs to kept away from the child. Not to mention that human needs should always take priority over those of animals.

Sorry if you said OP. But could anyone take the dog out for a bit whilst the party is on?

So you accept the dog has changed with age. So who's to say it won't snap and bite someone now. You are blind to your dog's ability to bite, but if it still has teeth, it can bite.

You (all dog owners) have to accept that you may cost your child friends if you have a dog. Dog or daughter, that's your choice.

I have never allowed my children to go to homes with dogs. Mainly because of the risk of being bitten, but also because of the poor hygiene.

When your dog dies, perhaps the family can visit then. Til then, you put your dog first, and the family will put their child first.

Do you vacate your bedroom for your kids and their mates on a sleepover.

coming from the perspective of you might need to rub alongside this family for a while yet (if it’s school friends?) and don’t invite them ever again!

Not to mention that human needs should always take priority over those of animals.

Being humane means treating vulnerable beings with respect.

You’ve got this completely wrong.

Surely it constantly happens that she hears noises of which she can't hear the source? If she's indoors there will be noises from outside or other rooms most of the time, won't there?

Suggest the Mum takes and looks after the dog during the play date?

You cannot be serious!

I love dogs but sometimes it's the owners who are out of control, not the pets.

And FYI, children are more important than dogs. 🙄

In this instance, it is the child who is most vulnerable.

You are naive to think you can be 100% vigilant when you are also supposed to be hosting a gathering, feeding people, providing drinks, clearing up messes, dealing with bumps and grazes. It is simply impossible to supervise your dog all of the time, and this is one of many reasons why I don't like or trust dog people, because they aren't very bright on this issue.

I couldn’t disagree more . It’s perfectly normal to ask if a dog can be put away if a child is afraid of dogs. It’s fine to refuse as well but it’s not fine to be rude about it . Fgs these are little children they have all sorts of fears and things . People seem to only not understand it when the fear is dogs for some bizarre reason . It’s like a thick ignorant mental block for empathy when it comes to them

I disagree.

Those examples are inanimate objects.

The dog is not a pot plant to be shoved in a cupboard.

The child would be vulnerable/scared in this scenario.

which is why she should not attend

The child that doesn’t need to visit? So vulnerable!

It’s fine to ask, but you also have to gracefully accept that the answer might be “no”. Which the other mother doesn’t seem to have done.

I’m sure OP would happily put her dog in a different room if it wasn’t going to distress the dog.

@QuarryQueen i have three dogs and I wouldn’t have any of them around while my garden was full with 8 kids and parents .
Surely you have trained your dog to be apart from you at times?
My dogs love being around us and everyone too . This play date sounds really over whelming for everyone .

I had some girls round mine recently who didn't “ like “ dogs . They had just never been around dogs before.
I introduced them in small burst and in a calm way . Now they love my dogs.
Could you bring the girls in to the house to meet the dog one at a time so they get use to him , easier for future play dates .
I would think it’s irresponsible otherwise to leave the dog in such a busy Environment.

Exactly. This is neither a normal or a rational response to a dog not interacting with you.