AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

Why?

Well I was too shocked to say much to be honest. Especially in the group message. Afterwards I thought of lots of things I'd like to say 😂

Even if no child was afraid of dogs , with that many children , id be setting ddog up somewhere safe away from it all. Your dog could get frightened or hurt by a child not used to dogs and nip.

An appropriate caution around dogs is entirely healthy and reasonable. People get caught out and hurt when they think that dogs are incapable of doing harm

Being empathetic to people who are afraid of dogs is not being “anti-dog “. I actually think mumsnet is not anti dog at all when you look at most of the responses here.

Because they are children

All of this.

She’s also unreasonable to not try and overcome her children’s fears. People don’t get over their anxiety by avoiding their fears, they get over them by confronting them. Obviously you wouldn’t start by introducing them to a bad tempered staffy. But a gentle, elderly beagle who keeps to themselves might help the children to get over their fears.

Often people with severe anxiety make their lives very small and make life difficult for those around them who they expect to accommodate their fears. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable to stick to your guns. I also wonder if the mother is also quite an anxious person?

I have an elderly dog with a poorly heart and we have limited everyone’s ability to come round to our house at all to what she can tolerate. My dogs do 100% come before any humans other than my own.

My elderly dog I previously would have shut away because she likes peace and quiet and my bed, and she wouldn’t have been phased (not an option now as we are hyper vigilant with watching her). My other dogs would absolutely not cope with being shut away from all the fun and would whine and cry and generally drive me round the bend, and I wouldn’t shut them away. It really is their home, and they do not understand.

found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

When I witness something like that I always wonder just where the real fear end and the performative fear starts.

Judging from the mother’s subsequent behaviour I’ll say that they are manipulative, all of them.

As for the dog, I won’t be upsetting an elderly dog. There is very special
bond old dogs have with their owners.

I can see both sides. My DD’s both hated dogs as young children for absolutely no reason, they’d never had a bad experience either. They would react exactly like her DC, just scream and cling to me when dogs so much as walked past. Used to dread dogs off leads most of all because in their minds the owners had no control. I’ll never forget them both leaping on top of a table outside a restaurant when a giddy pug ran under our table… So I get her issue.

Having said that, it’s your house and you understandably don’t want to upset the dog. It may be best she misses out on this play date and you keep them at hers/in public in future.

It sounds more of an event/party than a play date as there are going to be so many. From that point of view, I would personally have sent the dog over to my mum’s or wherever. I don’t shut my dog in a room of the house when there are people here because my dog is a lap dog / people dog so it’s cruel. It’s fine for other dogs - my db’s dog will happily lay down and sleep.

That said, I think the mum is missing a golden opportunity here. The dog is a breed known to be friendly and she’s 12, placid and likes people. This would be a good way for her DDs to meet a dog in a very low risk situation.

I'm not a massive fan of toddlers tbh. Yes i am aware i was one. But I do not expect them to be neither seen nor heard when visiting friends. They will be very much present!

I'm allergic to cats, but that is my problem when choosing to visit a house with cats.

Nothing to do with hostessing

It is not the same as saying to a dinner guest "I know you hate mushrooms so i have made a mushroom wellington for dinner"

YANBU. You invited her, told her about the dog. She doesn’t want to come. Fine! No issue, don’t come.

What’s with all the hosting comments? If I invite someone round and they don’t want to come because of something about my house, all good, just don’t come. I have rabbits, and a friend with a serious lung condition triggered by fur. I invited her without knowing, told her we had pets, she said sorry can’t do that, so we’re meeting elsewhere. The OP isn’t forcing anyone to do anything! If you don’t like it, don’t come!

Keeping a dog away from many young children who are new to your house and dog and running around just seems reasonable and measured.

the children and dog don’t need to put put into an order of priority. The mum and kids scared of the dog can just not go/do something else. They don’t have to be in the same place

and if you are prioritising, the health and happiness of the resident dog comes above the demands of a visiting child, who can choose not to visit.

They get it.

They just don’t care.

Of course dogs and children need to be put in order of priority. With the child first. What planet are you living on?

I would have separated my dog when she was younger, and shut her away. She was quite boisterous and enthusiastic and it didn’t bother her. Now she is 12 and very calm , but she also gets very distressed if she is (accidentally) shut in a room. It would distress her horribly so I would t do it. If I have an alternative house to drop her at, I might do that, but I don’t.

People with dogs are utterly selfish when it comes to them. They honestly cannot understand why anyone would be scared of their little darling or have any issues with them whatsoever. Just because you love your dog doesn't mean everyone in the world will tolerate it. It's perfectly acceptable to ask the dog to be shut away for a few hours so that the children are not excluded from the playdate.

This sums it up really. The girls of this friend will simply have to miss out - eventually they will realise that their [apparently irrational] fear of dogs is limiting their social lives and will get over it. I have dogs and accept that if I have friends that don’t like dogs that we will meet elsewhere. I ran a childminding business and had kids who were nervous of dogs on first meeting - they soon got over it through repeated exposures with a gentle animal. This mother is not doing her DC any favours - their behaviour is a direct response to HER response to their being fearful. She is part of the problem.

Well we wouldn’t go otherwise because it would be so unpleasant. Which is fine. But lovely friend realises that his long term friendship with DH since childhood is more important than a dog he’s had for 2 years and just does it. We have never even had to ask.

And this "my house my rules" thing is so baffling to me. Yes its your house and the dog lives there but presumably you care about your guests whilst they are there. Simple manners and kindness really.

Yes, children generally take priority over dogs - but the child doesn’t have to visit. She can see her friend somewhere else.

OP has also suggested things like having the dog on a lead but according to the child’s mother that doesn’t work. So the only option is for the child not to come, not to distress the elderly and unwell dog who lives in the house.

Your dog is elderly. It is her home. She gets upset and cries if shut away when people are there.

Absolutely no way would I shut a well-behaved animal away in their own home, even without the advanced age and distress.

This, you can't be sure that one of the kids won't poke the dog or hurt it (esp as half the families haven't been over before); its not fair on the dog for it to be under the trampoline as 8(+?) Kids (including babies and toddlers?) stampede around.