AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

All this post does is show you've not bothered to read the OPs posts.

It’s different with workmen as I assume the OP wouldn’t be hanging out with them while they were doing their job.

I would find it difficult to comply with this either way as whenever I have kids over to play they inevitably end up in and out of the house and the dog would definitely be regularly let out.

”My dogs, who aren’t elderly, partially sighted or carrying spinal injuries, are fine .. why isn’t yours?”

It’s an hour tho

prob be 3/4 if not more. I’ve had people over 10/6 as kids happily playing

It is because the dog has gone blind, actually.

The kids need to spend time around dogs that are friendly - otherwise it’s just nurturing the fear.

I did, you obviously didn't read the thread.

Why should she upset her dog for your child?

I love dogs and sadly no longer have my beloved cops in. However dogs are dogs-they wouldn’t come before people. I’d shut it away for a couple of hours-obvs, different if they are coming t stay but as it’s just a play date, I’d put the elderly dog away with a cosy bed and some treats. You can even try gently introducing the scared kids if they want to try-I did that with my very placid dog but I would definitely remove an animal on these circumstances.

I disagree. My dogs feelings outweigh a person I don’t know to me.

I would say for a start, tell the mother not to bring her other daughter with her. Also pay a young teen to come and walk your dog and take back to their house for the rest of the afternoon. It will cost you, but not as much as it will cost your daughter with a lost friendship. She has a lot more years left at school and girls can be bitchy at the best of times. You also don't want to run the risk of the group being divided as you don't know who will side with you/her. You may find that the other Mums side with her based on their children's preferences of friend. I am the owner of 2 dogs

I have a dog, and am a dog lover.

I think no matter what your dog is like, it is only courteous to put it away when people come to your house, unless they are close family and friends.

I know lots of people with "lovely dogs". I have spent many unpleasant times at someone's house because of their dog. I once spent about 3 hours with a massive dog's (it was like an Irish wolfhound size) jaws wrapped around my forearm which left teeth marks in my arm, and a wrecked jumper. Apparently he was just doing it to be friendly.

After that I realised that my lovely dog is not always someone else's cup of tea and I always put her out of sight out of courtesy. Some people have allergies, don't like dogs, or your dog is not as cute as you think.

The OP doesn’t want to ‘gladly do it’ though. Maybe you shouldn’t have animals if you would ‘gladly do it’.

How is it ‘not that hard’ when it is that hard for her to put her old dog in a room for hours? Howling and vomiting and frightened.

Be Kind and Keep Sweet is not the way to live.

And I would not want to be friends with this woman now anyway because she’s pushy, rude and she’s trying to make the OP feel guilty in a group setting.

Does your dog vomit, cry and shake when shut away behind a door and she can hear noise behind it that she can't see?

She hasn't always been this scared. If it were 5 years ago I would have said no problem. Unfortunately in her old age is distressed her. To me, it's my responsibility as her owner to ensure her well-being and not cause unnecessary stress.

It’s important to get potential threats into perspective and not let normal caution overspill into an irrational phobia.

Using the example of an x bully does your case no favours.

The mother is completely unreasonable. It’s the dog’s home so he doesn’t deserve to be distressed.

You will get flamed on here because MN is so anti dog but in the real world visitors don’t get to dictate what you do with your own pets.

The mother should be concentrating on equipping her children with the ability to exist in a world that has dogs in it without getting hysterical.

If they can’t handle coming round with your dog there, then they don’t need to come round

Yes this is the crux of it - the role of the host is to make the guests feel comfortable so the OP has fallen at the first hurdle. Your dog’s distress matters far less than a child’s who may end up being further traumatised and make the situation worse for them in the long term.

I have an allergy but that’s obviously hard to manage when there is a dog in the home, but our dear friend just pops his dog behind a big gate that he uses to section off his kitchen, cleans and we spend time in the rest of the house away from it. The dog is fine because he has trained it to be.

Honestly, you really should have trained your dog to be ok on her own for a few hours.
I am a dog owner and always make sure he is away from child visitors for his own safety as much as everyone else's. Poor dog could react to her screaming and the consequences for him if he bit a child would be catastrophic.
Why would you subject your dog to that?
Could you oay for a dog walker or sitter or ask a neighbour if he can stay with them for a few hours?
As for the child, they really need to address her fears.

Always been a dog owner and dog-lover, but it's a big mistake to anthropomorphise them. Dogs don't "cry", they whine to show what they want. It's not the same thing at all. If she's in her own home, surrounded by familiar things, well-fed and having had lots of exercise, she'll be fine for a couple of hours. Perhaps tell the girls that Rover will be allowed out at 4.00 or something so they can be warned. that dog-free time is over and who wants to stay may do so. Perhaps they'll be having such a good time they'll want to stay anyway. Having said that, it sounds as though your Rover might be a good starting point for them to learn that not all dogs are threatening.

Also I always wonder what people like this do in situations where they have to put the dog away. What about when you are having building work done in your home, or you have a home visit from a professional. It’s such a necessary dog skill.

Have you even offered a solution other than excluding and terrorising this poor child op?

I do generally think people need to put kids' safety first when it comes to dogs, but it sounds like her girls would not even go near your dog and the dog wouldn't chase towards them, so I suppose safety isn't an issue here.
I think the stroppy mum is being unreasonable in her confrontational attitude about it. Especially unreasonable is what she said about having to tell her girls that they are the only ones not going. FFS why do parents do that (make sure their kid's feelings are hurt to prove a point, when it could be avoided)? 🙄It's the school holiday now, and they're only 5 - the girls aren't going to be aware or remember what their classmates are doing.
From what you've said she is expecting to drop her DD's sibling with you too. Is the sibling older or younger than 5?
To be honest, this mum sounds like a CF.
I would keep it firm and polite in the group chat and explain about your dog vomiting etc. Say you're so sorry that they can't attend and hope they get over the dog fear soon. That way, if she's still being confrontational then she'll just be showing herself up.
To be honest, I see playdates as smaller one-on-one play time... the main thing that struck me about your situation is 8 girls in a group at your house (plus at least one sibling) is not a playdate for me - it's a party! 😁

Children have irrational phobias about all sorts of things that they grow out of . I knew a 5 year old who was terrified of thistle down and one who was afraid of helicopters. Another who was afraid of dogs and had no exposure therapy and is fine as an adult . None of them are afraid of these things as adults at all. And dogs do attack children , frequently. So it’s not even irrational actually. Same as people being afraid of spiders it’s natural because spiders can kill and that’s why humans have such fears . What’s irrational is people acting like dogs are big babies . They are animals

It's mind boggling, isn't it? 22 pages and hardly anyone has taken on board that the dog is going to have as much as a meltdown shut away as the kids would have if they were shut in with a dog, except nobody is making the kids be where there is a dog.

If someone had given me a hand-on-hips "let me get this straight" like the girls' mother, I would have struggled to remain civil. Struggled, failed, whatever 😂

I wasn't aware MN is so anti-dog but I am now 😅 it honestly shocks me how many people are saying I should just let my dog be distressed, even people who say they are dog owners.

But what about the feelings of your child who won’t understand why her friend doesn’t want to come and play?