AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

100% this!

I disagree I know several autistic people who absolutely adore dogs

An elderly beagle is hardly a high risk dog.

The child’s fear of dogs like the one in the park who was ignoring her are irrational.

Lots of things “could” kill us but we generally have things in perspective like the risk from cars, public transport, other humans.

I think you’re being difficult over this.
I adore my dog and would definitely roll my eyes over a request like this. But as a one-off, I’d do it so that the kids don’t miss out.

Some people read the word dog and can’t form an unbiased opinion as they hate them so much. Worse though are the owners who wear treating their dogs like shit as a badge of honour.

I’d shut it away for a few hours. It won’t be traumatised by a few hours alone in its own house.

I think a lot of people have missed the details about the dog's health. She isn't just old; she can't see properly.

I can understand how anyone elderly - canine or human - would get easily distressed by lots of new noises in their home that they couldn't place, and weren't given the chance to understand. The dog must feel extra vulnerable being down a sense.

Bearing in mind that distressed animals often become incontinent animals... It's not just about the dog's distressed either, it's about the consequences for the OP!

So even though you adore your dog in the OPs situation you would happily shut it in another room knowing it would be distressed due to its age and poor eyesight to accommodate a child who doesn't actually have to attend the playdate?

That doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who even likes their dog let alone adore it?

Elderly dogs do attack as well. Dogs attack all the time even ones where it is out of character . Like I love dogs I am a dog owner myself but it’s important to be cautious especially with children . The ignorance of some dog owners is unbelievable. It’s like when the owner of an xl bully says beforehand they woudnt “hurt a fly” (which is almost always the case ) but obviously on a smaller scale .

I'm a dog owner and on the fence about this one. On balance, I'd probably shut the dog off from the kids as long as it had access to it's usual spaces, particularly if it's just a couple of hours.

It would be a cold day in hell before I would upset my dog by locking him away in my own home for the benefit of someone else’s hysterical child. Given the mother’s attitude she would no longer be welcome and I wouldn’t be too chuffed with the other mothers complaining either.
The mother in question is doing her daughters absolutely no favours by allowing this response to dogs to continue, she needs to be helping her daughters get over this.

Except that the OP, who knows the dog first hand, says exactly the opposite and that her dog would be traumatised by this.

Old dogs spend most of the day asleep. Give her a decent run in the woods beforehand and she should just sleep for 3 or 4 hours.
Alternatively get a baby gate so she can be locked in a room or upstairs but not behind a door.

Again the use of the word “hysterical “ for what is a rational and natural fear for small children . If anyone is “hysterical “ here it’s the dog owners who cannot understand that children can have fears . It seems they have absolutely no ability to put themselves in another persons shoes . The mother’s request was a perfectly normal one . A polite reply saying it would be too distressing for the dog is also fine . Saying someone would be “no longer welcome” and you “wouldn’t be chuffed” by the other mothers is I would argue “hysterical “

The same era when we :

• smoked indoors
• smoked around babies and kids actually!
• smacked children
• allowed dogs to roam freely like cats
• picking up poo was considered optional back then (!!)
• Didnt bother with cycle helmets
• Had racist, homophobic content on telly
• Forced left handed children to write with the right
• Stigmatised and marginalised those with Downs sydrome or autism
• Expecting children to be "seen and not heard"
• leaving kids outside the pub/shop etc
• expected women to leave work after marriage or pregnancy in some workplaces. Managers could lay into a woman for getting pregnant out if marriage.
• Blocked unmarried women from having Credit, loans, mortgages, and overdrafts

etc etc

What can I say... society evolves. Many opinions that were once widespread evolve as we evolve.

I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

You think that is normal behaviour? Alright then. 🙄

Yet lots of schools in the UK and US have therapy dogs. The SENCO at our Junior school had one, and it's a school with a brilliant reputation for helping autistic children.

Makes you wonder why they are so terrified of dogs esp one just walking along ignoring them

the children must have learnt/seen the fear from someone

im torn on this. I don’t have a dog but love them and often have friends /familys dogs when they go away

to shut away an elderly dog seems unfair in own home

i have had friends over whose kids hated dogs and would go hysterical over them like sound alike these kids do

they did come over. Dog went in the kitchen with stairgate so could see them but not bother them. Not that the dog would bother anyway. Sleeps 99% of the time

THey did cry and moan as went past kitchen. With dog in there but did also help them as they coped and saw that dog was ok

but the dog isn’t bothered being in kitchen unlike yours

also very different having 1-2 kids over v 8

all running about screaming etc

if I was the mum I would try and come over and explain to kids that dog was friendly etc

the kids reaction is really very ott if never been bitten etc

is your dog never locked away with workman or similar

It is not outside the realms of nomality no. When I was little I was absolutely terrified of diggers and used to run into the house crying if one drove past . I didn’t have any “bad experiences “ with diggers per se and I am not afraid of them as an adult . My sister was scared of dogs like this and is not as an adult despite no sort of exposure therapy or whatever , just grew out of it . So yeh it’s not unusual . Alright then

Ours always goes away for play dates but we have a baby gate.
The difference is this has always been the rule as she’s a small dog and I don’t want her trodden on so she takes herself off when people are over. I’m torn on this, I think I’d just check with the group if anyone else is bothered by the dog and see which way the vote falls.

I think you tried to accommodate the little girl but as you say if you shut your dog away then you've got the additional stress of dealing with your dog whining which wouldn't be great for any of you, dog especially. I've never been a dog owner but even I can understand that that wouldn't be great for you or your poor elderly dog.

The other mother was reasonable in her initial request (although should really have directly messaged you) but was unreasonable to make a public issue of it when you said no. I think the key thing now is to just stress that you've tried alternative suggestions (putting the dog on a lead) but the other mother has been adamant that the dog must be shut away. You know that shutting the dog away will make you and the dog very stressed and it's stressful enough having a house full of kids and parents anyway and let others think what they want to - they may not understand your position and that's Okay. Ultimately, it is your house and so what you say goes even if other people disagree with it.

Given the choice between distressing a kid who does not have to come to my house and distressing my dog who has nowhere else to go....

🐾❤️

The kid will just have to skip this one if she doesnt like the house. No one is forcing the child to be face to face with a dog.

I was that hysterical, petrified child in the 70’s! I’m now a dog walker. I got through life!

Op I wouldn’t shut my dog away. We are open plan so nowhere to shut him anyway.

id talk to parent and explain what you’ve said here: dog very docile, if kids don’t approach he will not approach them and suggest that small forays into safe free dog environments are a great way to address an irrational fear?

dogs can be scary for sure, but being scared of all dogs is genuinely limiting. I was this child. I was also allergic! I'm was made to be ground family dog and although I hated it, it definitely created natural aversion therapy. I could co-exist.

I am now the biggest dog lover ever. My dog is favourite child. I am now so grateful my fear wasn’t pandered too, whilst realising I was absolutely kept safe at all times.

Well firstly I think it’s more important than a child’s not distressed than my dog to be honest. A dog is not a human.

However, this is because the dog has never been trained to cope. I have multiple dogs at any one time who I love and also compete most weekends in a sport they live for. They have better lives than the majority of dogs because they have been trained to cope in any scenario therefore can be trusted to come anywhere.

A dog should be able to sit alone for an hour without getting distressed.