AIBU to refuse request to shut my dog away for a playdate?

[QuarryQueen]

I'll try to keep this brief without drip feeding - sorry if I don't succeed!

DD5 has asked for a playdate with her friends during the Summer so I was organising this with the group of mums I'm friendly with (DD goes to school with their children but not all in same class). It's at our house and we're planning to do some activities in the garden. We have a 12 year old Beagle who is very placid, can't see very well and loves a fuss. She cries if shut in a room when she knows people are in.

So, there are 8 mums in the group and 4 of them have been to our house for a playdate before. The other 4 haven't but for no particular reason other than we just haven't got round to it.

I recently learnt that one of the children whose mum is in this group is very very scared of dogs and so is her sister who also usually comes along to playdates (only ever been to the park with them). I found this out when we were walking to the park and a dog passed them, it was on a lead and wasn't even looking in their direction but both girls screamed, clambered up their mum and were crying hysterically. It wasn't until the dog was out of sight they calmed down. I was honestly quite taken aback by their reaction, especially as the dog was so unbothered by their existence. I asked their mum if they'd had a bad experience with dogs in the past that had caused them to be so scared but she said no, they had just always been terrified of them.

Anyway, when organising this playdate their mum messaged me saying they'd love to come but could I shut my dog away before the girls got there and whilst they were playing. I said sorry, no, that would upset my dog and it's her home, she shouldn't have to be shut away. I reassured her that she is very placid and would probably not even come near the girls as she likes to just sleep under the trampoline or potter around my legs. Well, that didn't reassure her at all - the mum is absolutely fuming and said she can't believe I'm putting a dog's needs over children who I know are so scared of them and now she will have to tell them everyone else will be going but they will miss out. The other mums are split: the ones who have pets themselves agree with me whereas the ones without pets have said things like "surely she'll be fine shut away just for a few hours". So, I'm wondering what Mumsnetters think. Please could you let me know if you have pets when you respond. TIA.

I have a dog who is a total baby. But you bet I lock her away in a quiet room with her bed when certain people are over that either don’t like dogs or are scared of them. I want my guests to feel welcome and comfortable. It won’t hurt the dog.

I have a dog.
Yesterday a workman came to my house unexpectedly. I went to shut my dog away and he told me he loved dogs and no need. And mine is a pest! Some people do still prefer dogs around them to not.

OP If your dog was a huge lollopy puppy who was likely to hurt the children fair enough keep them away.

An elderly beagle, nope. I'd not be upsetting her in her own home.

Yanbu.

She isn't being unreasonable to decline the invitation, but unreasonable to react the way she is and unreasonable to not see your perspective.

No, I would not lock the dog away in her own home. She isn't a pot plant you put in a cupboard.

The other mum is being unreasonable.

YABU. Every single playdate I have been to where there is a dog in the house, even an older one, the parents have shut them away. Your DD asked.for the playdate, if you want to facilitate it, just do it. They're 5, no way a dog is going to like having a bunch of young screaming kids around it.

I literally cured my spider phobia by holding a tarantula! They are slow moving and furry and although I was terrified I didn’t want to show it in front of my kids so I held it. It was fine as it just sat there. After that I reasoned that I couldn’t be scared a little house spiders having held a tarantula. It’s made my life easier.
People do spider phobia sessions with tarantulas.
I’ ve also had friends of my kids who were scared of dogs slowly get used to my previous dog - who was very friendly - when visiting and that made them less worried about other dogs. It’s definitely a thing.

I would separate them. The kids are likely to scream, as you’ve witnessed before, and this could cause a reaction on the dog. I wouldn’t risk that.

When a parents fills in an autism questionaire for their child one of the questions is are they scared of dogs. I think it’s because dogs are unpredictable.

Hello friend

I completely understand your concern for the girls, as they are very afraid of dogs. I can’t shut my elderly dog away for hours as she will find it so distressing. Perhaps it’s easier to move the play date to your house?

Best wishes

Op

An rarleey partially sighted dog and eight excitable five year olds does not sound like a way of keeping g a dog placid or children safe - I would be locking my dog away anyway!

I have elderly dogs and I wouldn’t be shutting them away in their own home for hours, no. Irs unreasonable. If children are afraid of dogs they would best only visiting houses without dogs ( in our case someone inevitably opens the door and they run out anyway)

That said I would never allow larger dogs near children.

You could keep the dog in the kitchen with you - and the dc outside as long as you can see them.

At some point the dc need to get used to dogs, the world is full of them.

I have a dog.

I would shut him away this once to avoid any more drama. But wouldn't invite the children who are scared of dogs to my house again.

It’s ok to be frightened of dogs, it’s not ok to try and insist an elderly dog, that’s not in the best of health, is distressed in their own home. Sometimes children don’t get what they want. It’s unfortunate in this instance that this child can’t be accommodated.

Dog lover here and would be fine putting dog in a different room for a couple of hours.

I am surprised that the "in her own home" angle is getting flack for anthropomorphising the dog.

It is the dog's home? Why would animals (as smart as dogs) not view where they live, sleep and eat with their humans/pack as their home/den?

Dog owners are told to keep their animals out of public - we do just that but it STILL isn't enough for some people [who simply dislike dogs].

I'd just fade out the other mum tbh. She has completely embarrassed herself and sounds like a right idiot.

Don't like dogs? Totally fine but then my house probably isnt for you. 🤷🏼‍♀️ The kid will have to skip this one.

Your beagle sounds lovely - can I have a playdate with her?!

Hysterical ? Are you for real ? It’s a very common and normal and I would argue natural fear to be afraid of dogs. I love dogs but 1000s of people get killed by dogs every year . I think it’s a good thing for children to be cautious

There needs to be a happy medium here like someone takes the dog out for a walk while the guests are there.
the flip side of the kids not attending is your kids being ostracised in the future, people not wanting to come to the house/invites dropping off etc
I love my dogs dearly but equally I didn’t want to risk their presence fucking up my kids social interactions.
years down the line we often have a houseful of all those little kids over time got used to the dogs but it was done at their pace and the dogs were never made to feel distressed etc either

Indeed. This thread has lots of posters advocating compassion for the children but in the same posts showing no compassion for an elderly animal with health needs.

Even if shut away it's unlikely these children will be comfortable on the playdate because they know there is a dog there. Also just because one is a child and the other is a pet doesn't mean they don't both deserve to be comfortable. The truth is this playdate doesn't work for these children and they will have the opportunity to attend the other ones being organised. It's ok sometimes to not include everyone.

Is reading all the OP's posts really so hard? This is getting worse and worse on here. YANBU.

This is a much more polite and reasonable way of getting the point across

Evidently. Reading the posts means many of those responding wouldn't be able to take the opportunity to criticise the OP simply for owning a dog.

It's quite embarrassing to see people replying who are basically making up a scenario to fit their own narrative.

Completely reasonable, OP. The mum has behaved appallingly and her behaviour says a lot about her as a person. My dog would be distressed shut away for hours while we are all at home.

The world doesn't revolve around the OP's dog either. It's a pretty basic request and one I would gladly do if it's for just a few hours. I mean I get your point and all; you don't HAVE to do it, but it would have been nice and not that hard and now there's a bunch of drama which could have been avoided.

I don't think you should host those children.

You've seen how extreme their reactions are - your elderly, partially-sighted dog is surely going to be distressed when they start screaming and shrieking out of pure terror?

It just doesn't sound like a home play date will work.

How do people get through life being that scared of dogs? Of course you shouldn't shut your dog away.

It does in her house though.