DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

...jesus christ why do people need to turn human interaction into something so hostile....and surely no one has ever tinkley laughed in their life.

I can’t see what’s so rude about the message the op sent. It was a very direct, assertive message. And she was well within her rights to say “I'm not sure how you've come to the conclusion that I want to do either one. I've never shown any interest!”
Because it’s true, she hasn’t shown any interest in them. So what made this woman think it was ok to decide that op should work in the charity shop for 16 hours a week? And join a walking group. The woman was rude in thinking she gets to decide how op spends her retirement. The op’s message was an appropriate reaction to that. Put her in her place and very assertive in doing so.

Glad the situation has been resolved. Happy retirement!

It is true, but lots of things are true but rude.

The reason people think it was rude is because you can decline something without telling them they are stupid to even consider you would want their dumb offer.

Like the second helping example: "Can I offer you some more fish pie?"
"Did I ask for it? Did I even say I like it? What makes you think I would want it?"

In this case it was less that it was rude and more just a bit overwrought. Why does it matter why she is asking? People are allowed to ask and make suggestions. It's just a case of replying thanks but no thanks - and I am having trouble believing the world is really so full of people who don't accept that if said in a friendly BUT FIRM voice. No extra words needed.

Sorry I was responding in agreement to the poster and the principle point made that you can be assertive without being rude.
That was all. I wasn’t commenting on whether the original quote had been rude.

I think we will have to agree to disagree. Asking someone if they are sure they don’t want a bit of extra fish pie is different to telling them how they will live the rest of their life. Of course with the fish pie situation, you would say a polite “no thanks” but this is a completely different scenario where op felt like she was being pushed into something she didn’t want to do. This was not something small, it was quite a big decision that the woman had decided to make on op’s behalf about her life.

For me, this isn’t a problem. Someone, particularly someone that’s already demonstrated they think they can ignore my ‘no’ and attempt to strong arm me, not liking me or thinking me rude is not something that influences my sense of self, or something I care about at all. I don’t need them to like me.

We agree on this because my 'no' response to others is about being true to myself.

When I have to say no to someone, I don't have to change who I am as a person or the manner in which I reply ''no' to requests, even if the person in question isn't treating me very well.

I don't worry about whether people are going to like me when I say no to them, I say no to them because I respect myself enough to not put myself in uncomfortable situations. I remain polite in doing so because that's who I am, and I feel comfortable enough with who I am to not to let their behaviour change how I choose to respond to their requests. Whether they like or dislike me, it doesn't matter, it doesn't factor in to how I respond.

Others might not agree with this polite approach but that's ok.

They definitely are. And not everyone merits politeness, actually. The definition of rudeness is saying something without concern for the feelings of the other person/that's outside social norms; most of the time the person trying to foist something like this on me has done this first in spades.

Agree with this. People who don’t consider someone else’s feelings and try to push other people into doing things because it somehow benefits them or benefits someone else they know is rude. And the appropriate response is needed to let these sort of people know you will not be pushed about or told what to do.

Be very clear and say you have no idea what you wish to do once you retire, but you are definitely going to enjoy doing nothing for a while and consider all your options. Your DH will be part of those plans in 2 years time but for for now it is your retirement, your choice. Good luck and enjoy your well earned retirement.

Not the same thing at all.

In the fish pie incident, the person has happily eaten a serving of fish pie already and now has an empty plate. Therefore the person offering can be reasonably sure that they liked it, and might like the opportunity to have some more. If there's any fish pie left it would be rude not to offer a second helping.

The person might have struggled through the plate of fish pie because there really are still people who go to a home as a guest and eat the meal because it would hurt the host's feelings not to.

So no, I don't agree the person must have "happily eaten a serving" at all.

Your example only works if the OP has already struggled through a voluntary shift at the charity shop or a group walk to please the relative and then is offered to do them weekly.

Well done OP!

Ok so for a more equivalent scenario how about you’ve not had the fish pie but pushy friend decides you should:

Pushy friend: Oh you need to try this fish pie, I’ll get you some, i’ll get you a plate now

Normal, polite but firm response: Oh no thanks, I don’t like fish pie, thanks though

Vs

OP response: um…ah…well
OP response by message on different day: Why on earth would you think I wanted fish pie.

But it isn't equivalent. She never "ate the fish pie" as this was all decided by the woman in advance of OP's retirement. Her question of "why do you think I want to do these things?" means why did she try and push them on OP in the first instance? Not "Why do you now think I want to work for you? Oh I never actually said no, did I..."

I’m more baffled how someone can equate a fish pie to working a 16 hour a week shift during retirement. Both are different scenarios. The original example was that someone had already eaten some fish pie and was offered a 2nd helping. Nobody is going to say “well why would you think i want any more”.

Why should op not question why this woman would think she wants to work 16 hours a week during her retirement and join some walking group she never displayed any interest in? It’s very different to being offered a 2nd helping of food that you had already eaten.

Also this person didn’t ask the op if she wanted to work the shifts, she pretty much told her she would be working them because she assumed the op would want to “keep busy” and that she “wouldn’t mind”. There is a massive difference.

But the point is that they have already eaten the thing, and are now being asked if they want some more. An ordinary everyday exchange at mealtimes, and a 'no thank you' would be accepted as meaning that they are full and no more food needed, thanks for offering. And it would not be something that's ongoing and mentioned again and again, even when some time has passed.

You do have to be slightly more forthright in your answer when dealing with people who say 'Ah, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, GO ON!!!'

Oh for goodness sake!

Whether OP has or hasn't eaten fish pie or done a shift in the shop is really neither here nor there.

The point is that when offered something, you don't need to expostulate that it is an unthinkable offer: you just decline. Perfectly sufficient.

The op doesn't want to work in a charity shop, nor would I, but many people do - and we can assume this lady has at least some interest or she would never have got involved. I hate fish pie, my mum loves it. We all like different things, and you can't assume an offer is made to distress you - even if, in fact it does,

Yes, and it was in fact much worse than that, the relative said to OP that she’ll be able to “squeeze at least a couple of shifts a week out of you!” That’s way beyond “rude”🙄 and presumptious, especially since the relative has a paid job at the charity shop but was very happy to volunteer OP to work there for free.

Agree. Cheeky fuckery at its finest expecting op to work 16 hours a week during her retirement for FREE but apparently the op is being “rude” for saying that she’s not sure how this relative has come to the conclusion she wants to do this. I’m not sure why she should be saying a polite “no thank you”. What is she thanking her for? Oh yeah I’m sure op should be thankful the cheeky fucker told her she’s going to work for free for 16 hours a week during retirement and in the rest of her spare time she will be part of a walking group. Yeah op should be so polite and grateful for this shit opportunity that was practically being forced on her.

Why are you failing to understand no-one thinks the OP should be "grateful."

There is a middle ground where you really don't fancy a suggestion but can just say no thanks, without effectively telling them they absolutely should never have even asked.

It isn't either or.

ETA anyway, this thread is getting nonsensical. Any minute someone is going to say it all depends if the fish pie has egg in it.

Why are you failing to understand the op doesn’t need to be “polite”.
Yes I agree the thread is getting nonsensical when fish pie is being used as an example akin to OP’s situation 🤣

Honestly? I’ll be a bit surprised if the OP comes back to the thread now.