DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Volunteering isn't volunteering if you're not doing it voluntarily.

"no thank you"

There are lots of ways to volunteer in retirement (and while working!), but I completely get that you just want to stop working and take that time for yourself.

It could be that there's something that really matters to you or interests you that you end up volunteering with but an 8 hour shift in a shop isn't it.

I've been a volunteer coordinator, I chair a charity where we have a fabulous team of volunteers, most of my family volunteer in some shape or form but it's in a way that fits our lives and floats our boat!

e.g.
committees, boards of trustees, school governing bodies
events (at sports clubs, church, community centres, scout fete etc) so it's one off rather than regular
front of house at local theatre/arts centre/cinema - get to see lots of shows and films for free as a brucey bonus but also enjoy greeting people and being helpful, no minimum number of shifts so relative does one a month and her mate does one a week
church cleaning, churchyard gardening (weekly, not all church-goers, more about caring for local heritage, the graveyard, green-fingered without own garden, nice little cuppa and biscuit chat)
opening & closing community centre
coaching rugby/cricket etc
charity food shop/cafe/uniform shop - not 8 hour shifts!!! Just a couple of hours here and there
BBQs or kitchen shifts at rugby/cricket - we make a day of it and stay for drinks after
reading with children at school
doing the books or treasurer responsibilities for school, sports clubs, scouts, etc
local group which clears pathways and overgrown walkways and public stairways

So maybe you do end up doing a bit of volunteering BUT it's got to be your choice and something YOU want to do.

There's absolutely nothing wrong or rude about telling this lady "absolutely not, I would rather stick pins in my eyes" or "my schedule is full, I won't be volunteering at the charity shop" (full of whatever YOU want to do in YOUR retirement)

I'm with you on the walking thing too - I can't stand jogging in a group, I want to go my own pace. I prefer to do long walks on my own so I can listen to my podcast or if it's walking my dog so I can go at his pace (very slow, lots of stops for sniffs, he's old!)

'I'm retiring for the break to enjoy down time not volunteer to WORK in a shop & the walking group isn't for me thanks'. Then just repeat 'No thanks' every time she mentions it.

No Sandra that doesn’t work for me, I’m retiring to enjoy my life. Thanks for asking but it’s still a no.

I would've just told her in person, ah no thanks I wouldn't want to do that.

Then just let her comments go over your head.
She can't force you to work in her shop, or go walking!! What's she going to do about it??

From experience, people say stuff all the time, sometimes never materialises, or circumstances change, and you've wasted precious time worrying and overthinking.

I think you're letting it bother you way too much.

Yes, I was just agreeing with you.

I agree with your posts here this morning @Calliopespa and @Seeingadistance

I agree it's possible to say no in a clear, polite, friendly manner that doesn't cause the other person to take offence. It's possible to give a clear 'no' even if you're by nature a quiet person. I say this as a quiet, softly spoken person who is able to say no in a friendly but firm way when necessary and then move the conversation on.

I did struggle to say no to family and friends in the past, precisely because they're family and friends that I care about and I didn't want to let them down. I've always been able to say no and set clear boundaries in my professional life in a polite way so I eventually realised I had to transfer this ability to give a polite, friendly no in that setting over to my private life.

I hope you enjoy your retirement @GoldAndSilverBells and keep practicing saying 'no', be clear, polite and don't over expain.

Yes just say no after working 43 years it’s time for you to relax and decide what you want to do and not be tied to commitment.

Enjoy your retirement wishing you good health and a long happy retirement.

You definitely over explained it, it was bordering on rude to be honest .. probably because you have built it up in your mind to be something it is absolutely not, I would imagine she'll either reply with an 'okay' or a thumbs up.

If at no point you have indicated that you aren't interested in the slightest, how is she supposed to know? The walking group is the same, you can't really blame her for mentioning it more than once if you never say anything to indicate you aren't interested, most people would have no problem indicating that they aren't interested.

No wonder your DH is exasperated with you, it's definitely a problem of your own making.

“If at no point you have indicated that you aren't interested in the slightest, how is she supposed to know?”

So how is she also supposed to know that op would even want to do it in the first place then if op hadn’t even indicated she is interested in the slightest? Why would someone just assume that a retiree wants to continue working during their retirement?

Hey OP, did you get a response?

I'm coming back to say Well Done to the OP.

She was not hostile or rude. She was responding in same to the type of person who thinks they know best, who repeatedly and aggressively imo try to dictate to others how they will spend their time (here retirement, walking group) and money (here, unpaid labour and travel costs to the shop, walking group) without caring to read the room because they don't give a flying fuck about the room. They want what they want, especially from women, and expect compliance. I agree with others that there's zero chance in hell she'll be asking the same of OP's husband when he announces retirement.

And, again, it's a bit rich to demand that OP, after working for over 40 years, now work 16 hours a week for free for someone who is getting paid herself to be there! Fucking hell, the audacity of some of these so called charities and their paid staff.

People need to stop telling other people how to live their lives if they're not hurting anybody.

This. ^ I see several posters think part of my message to this woman was a bit abrasive. I don't. I wonder if the small handful of people thinking I should have been nicer and more 'polite' are people who think women should be 'kind' and polite, and have been conditioned to think women should be 'nice?'

I said 'I don't know where you got the idea that I would be interested in the charity shop OR the walking group, because I have never shown any interest in either one,' because that is a factual statement. I haven't ever shown an interest in joining either one.! If a few people want to think that's 'rude' that's up to them. To me it was a factual statement. Trying to arrange my life for me by dishing out shifts in her charity shop (and trying to get me to join her walking group which is a 14-15 mile round trip in the car to get to!) with no interest shown from me - ever - was an imposition, and a bit of a cheek and I gave it the response it deserved.

I think if a man had sent the same message, he would have been applauded (possibly by these same posters.) I mean let's face it, this would not have happened to a man, but if he'd said no and been rude with it (not that I was!) no-one would have batted an eyelid! DH said he would have just said 'no' much sooner and bloody meant it. But he's a man, and men don't have a problem saying no!

Not man-bashing by the way! I admire how they can easily say 'no' or 'LOL fuck off' and mean it, and people accept it. (On the rare occasion they are asked!) The only time I have known men do anything when asked is when they're asked to do something like mow the lawn for an older family member, and they say they'll do it but they want paying for it, because it's 'their time.'

Even my own male cousins and my brother and several male neighbours used to mow the lawn for grandparents, and aunties etc, and took money off them for it. See also: other DIY. They'd never do it for free. The shit would have hit the fan if a woman said no to anything, let alone want payment for it!!! As has been said, free labour from women is always expected. NO-ONE expects it from men.

I don't regret sending the message, and I won't be apologising for it. People are entitled to their views of course, as it's a free country, I just disagree with them. That said, the vast majority of posters think the message was fine anyway. As has been said by a couple of posters, I was getting messages from several posters saying 'stop being a pushover, and a wet lettuce,' and 'grow a backbone' and 'be more assertive' and 'how have you got to nearly 60 without being able to say no?' and 'be firm,' and 'use your words!!!' etc etc, then when I do send an assertive and firm message, I get 'oooooooh that was a bit abrasive/rude/coarse, there was no need for that!' 😆

One thing is for sure. Women can't win. There's always someone who will criticise what we do - or don't do!

I got a message from DH's cousin's wife this morning. At 10am.

'OK, fine, I just thought it would keep you busy. Didn't think you'd mind.'

I messaged back. 'well I did mind a bit to be honest, I was just surprised that you were arranging my life for me when I had retired. No harm done, but I'm really not interested.'

She didn't message back, but she did do a ✔to that message. So is coming across as not too pissed off. Will she slag me off to family members? Will she get her husband - DH's cousin - to try and change my mind??? Time will tell. But it's sort of resolved for now! I guess I will have to see what her demeanour is like when I see her in a couple of weeks! OR if she continues to badger me... She is NOT the sort of person who likes being told no!

Once again, thank you to everyone who has responded, and taken time out of your day to post and give advice. I do appreciate all of the posts. 😘

Have a lovely day everyone.

Let her crack on then when she calls you for your shift just say "Oh, you were serious about that?".

Agree the OP’s message was appropriate and not rude considering the situation. She had never once even gave the slightest hint she was interested in volunteering at a charity shop.

For someone who is afraid to say no, it took op a lot to pluck up the courage to write a message to this overbearing person to tell her she does not want to spend her retirement life doing what this person wants her to do. She was then pretty much berated for doing so and told she was being rude. I can’t see what’s so rude about it. Assertive yes, but not rude.

I think everyone is just saying a breezy no thankyou at the time would have been a hell of a lot better than this essay you’ve written.

This comes across as defensive, abrasive and not very nice. Whereas telling the woman in the moment would have been a non issue.

Yes she will probably talk about it to family- because your message was rude and to anyone that doesn’t know the backstory very defensive and unnecessary.

You ignored all advice on here to keep it to a short and polite no thankyou. And made it into a huge deal that anyone reading would think omg.

Learnings for next time I guess.

Well said op.

Until you start being more assertive, people will just walk all over you so I agree with how you worded your message to her. She’s probably taken aback by it as I imagine she feels you’re the quiet type who won’t say no. And for once you did.
For her to reply back and say “I didn’t think you’d mind” really just confirms that it’s all about her and that she’s thinking about herself. Whatever the hell ever made her think you wouldn’t mind having your retirement being planned out for you.

"Thank you, but I have other plans for my retirement." Then refuse to engage. If she persists, be bloody rude. Some people just have skin like elephants, although tbf, you've been ridiculous just not saying no immediately.

For what it's worth - as I'm planning my own retirement I watch YouTubers, both men and women, who are recently retired. Off the top of my head, I would say it's mostly the men who talk about how others expect you to give of your newly free time to help out - with caring for grandchildren, waiting in for deliveries, taking on various different time-filling activities etc.

I’m proud of you. Women are conditioned to protect the feelings of people who stomp all over their own. That shit has to end.

The op has already said she struggles to say no to people hence why she didn’t say that straight away and it’s the reason she created a thread on here to ask for advice. Not all people are able to say “no” to things right off the bat, especially when being caught off guard and put on the spot. It was very rude of this person to do that to op and then keep bringing up the subject time and time again. Most people, if the op hadn’t jumped at the chance and said “oh yeah I’d love to work in the charity shop and come to the walking group” would have probably just read the room and thought that maybe op isn’t that keen on the idea.

Yeah she is cheeky and needs to be put in her place doesn’t she. Especially after her response ‘didn’t think you’d mind’. She needs to understand that she should not presume what other people want to do.

Well done for standing your ground OP.

I can see that I'm going to have to do much the same thing all over again fairly soon, as yet again I have been asked to rejoin the committee of a hobby group I belong to, and I'm aware they are going to try and pressgang me into becoming the club secretary (I overheard them plotting their multi-pronged attack!). Me, a woman. Because it doesn't appear to have sunk in to the committee's collective brain that there are already half a dozen MEN on the committee, any of whom (apart from the Chair obviously) who could easily be club secretary. The only other woman on the committee is the treasurer, poor downtrodden soul, so they are happy for her to continue to do that. It is obvious that they have looked at the words 'secretary' and thought 'Oh, that's a woman's job, let us twist the arm of a woman to do it'. No thanks.

So I've just retired - so what? So I can type - so what? I was not an administrator in my career, and I retired for a reason. And that reason was not so I could do other people's work for them, take minutes at meetings, write letters, organise membership, book speakers, send newsletters out to club members or maintain the social media account. Get lost. 😂

Well done OP - glad it’s sorted 👍

I'm one of those who think your message was over the top and quite rude, OP, and I am very definitely not a "be kind" person who thinks that women should make themselves into doormats to be nice. On the contrary, I am perfectly capable of stating my opinion, positive or negative, politely and constructively, ideally without causing offence while also getting my point across.