DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

It isn’t difficult OP. You just say you aren’t doing anything to do with her charity shop. And tell her to stop going on about it. You can say it in a friendly way.
She can flounce and bluster and go on all she likes but she cannot own your time. Do not fear her reaction.

And that is that.

When they decide to badger you about this, I would be making them very aware that you overheard them plotting their multi-pronged attack and tell them the answer is a big fat no!

I see several posters think part of my message to this woman was a bit abrasive. I don't. I wonder if the small handful of people thinking I should have been nicer and more 'polite' are people who think women should be 'kind' and polite, and have been conditioned to think women should be 'nice?'

No, posters have been trying to point out that you can be assertive without causing offence to the other person. It's not about being 'kind', it's about being able to say a calm 'No' or state your opinion on a matter without causing upheaval and tension when there is absolutely no need to.

You've been very clear, and polite - you've explained your reasons, and now she has no doubt you mean NEVER. Good on you for being assertive. With that kind of people, a written message is always preferable. Has she answered back?

Well, OP has updated that it seems to have gone over fine, and since she doesn't want to be bosom buddies with the cousin anyway, what does it matter?

Overbearing people need to be told "no"
more firmly than most, but they don't necessarily take that badly.

At no point does it say she maybe interested in the future. It says I'll get back to you IF I'm interested. If she doesn't get back to her then she isn't interested - simple 😊

FFS, have a word with yourself😆

I think it was important to shut her down definitively/‘rudely’ tbh. This is a woman that sees OP as a people pleaser she can ride roughshod over, and that’s the type that will keep pushing when told ‘no’ in a ‘friendly’ way. The ‘friendly’ no only works when people respect you in the first place.

So fucking what if she sees OP as rude? If anything that’s a good thing, as hopefully it means she’ll stop seeing OP as someone she can push around. OP doesn’t need this woman to like her.

FFS. Talk about a storm in a teacup.

Agree. Ex people pleaser here. Very rarely do they take a polite “no” for an answer, they usually look at you with their manipulative ‘puppy eyes’ expression and say “pleasssseeee just do it for me” over and over again. Or they may accept the “no” but come back later to pressure you into something else.

Once you get into the pattern of coming across as assertive they will stop badgering you and will also think twice about badgering you for other stuff later down the line.

Actually, I've just remembered that I have already said no to something I was asked to consider doing when I retire - I forgot about it as it was no big deal. I was asked, I said, "no thanks", and that has been the end of it.

I doubt that OP cares. She doesn't like this pushy woman so I'm sure that she doesn't care if she thinks OP's response was rude. This woman is rude to keep badgering OP about her retirement. OP's response was long but she made it very clear that she wouldn't be signing up for shifts in the charity shops or joining their walking group. There is no ambiguity.

Indeed. Am not retired, but I said the same when asked to join a group.

Instead of writing " The Odyssey" in a Whatsapp and making a huge deal. 'No, thank you.'

I don't think your message was rude, but I agree with PP that it was unnecessarily wordy.

I do think that you were a bit unreasonable to string her along with ers and ums in the first instance. Would it really have been so hard to just say something like 'No thanks, I've got lots planned for my retirement. But kind of you to think of me.'?

And for future reference, if you get people asking why when you say no, I find that a reply like 'If I told you I'd have to kill you' or tapping the side of the nose, with a smile usually sorts them out. If they push further 'Would you stop being so nosy' is entirely justified.

Well done, OP. Bossy people really get my back up and make me just dig my heels in more!
I wouldn't have replied to her 'OK, fine' message, or maybe I'd have just sent a pass-agg thumbs-up

I think you did the right thing and for anyone thinking YOU were rude they are clearly people pleasers because her assuming and pretty much trying to bully you into doing what she wanted was the rude thing to begin with. The fact you had to justify your no is the problem, you shouldnt have to justify yourself but I know they type you are dealing with. Hopefully she shuts up now.

If she starts going on about it again on person, having acknowledged your message, I would just raise my eyebrows and give her a hard stare. Like "Do I need to repeat myself, Sarah."

@GoldAndSilverBells I'm one who thought it was unnecessarily abrupt. But then I would never had have to send a message, because I would have been capable of shutting it down, straight away, face-to-face. I don't think women should be kind, my DDs or GDs would also be capable of saying no. There's nothing wrong with offering someone to join in something. Men do it all the time, I've heard men ask each other what they are up to and when asked if they want to join them, it's a polite, no thanks. She got the idea because you couldn't communicate. Men do give their time for free. We have football clubs etc thriving thanks to the hard work of the Dads. They turn up at the school on volunteer day, to do maintainance. You've got a very outdated, abrasive attitude/way about you. Why you entertain this person who you are happy to speak to the way you have is anyone's guess.

People are so unnecessarily angry on here. But can't be bothered to say no politely. Just seethe in silence.

I also suggest saying that you're not committing to anything for at least the first year. Tell her you're going to take time to relax and take stock of things.
I retired 2 years ago and thought about things to get involved in. I held off and it was surprising how interesting pastimes 'found me'!

Her: 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of shifts out of you'
You: 'I'm equally sure you won't'

"OK, fine, I just thought it would keep you busy. Didn't think you'd mind.'
I messaged back. 'well I did mind a bit to be honest, I was just surprised that you were arranging my life for me when I had retired. No harm done, but I'm really not interested.'

See, the problem here is that she raised it a few times and each time you ummed and aaahed - so she had no idea you weren't interested or didn't want to.

Yes, she's pushy and presumptive, but you are also blaming her because you can't simply say 'LOL - no way, I'm not retiring to go straight beack to work! great what charity shop volunteers do - bit its not for me' and you can't just say 'your group sounds great but what I love about walking is walking in solitude'

Or your own version of 'no'.

I am glad you have told her straight, but it takes two to create a mis-communication. In future just say, calmly and without blame and then leave it.

Oh, I've already told them no on several occasions before, but unfortunately the reason I originally told them was that I was still working and that it would be several years before I retired so didn't have the time for all that jazz.

Thing is - I've taken early retirement now, three years earlier than I originally planned, so it is game on as far as they are concerned! I'm more than ready with the big fat no again though.😁

‘I’m not going to commit to anything, thanks. I’m looking forward to having far fewer commitments.’

'I couldn't possibly do that'
'Why not?'
'I don't want to '
It might ruffle some feathers but she will stop asking & volunteering you