Friend said she'd prefer to meet when I had more money

[Whatever555]

Had some money issues and on a tight budget, sometimes meet up with an old colleague, sometimes she'd say 'Let's go for food then onto the cinema/theatre/bowling' etc.. id have to cancel sometimes or just suggest going for a drink or something.
She's said 'Let's just leave meeting up until you can do something other than a coffee." I feel embarrassed and guilty- I know she's probably bored of it but surely you're just happy to see your friend? We could do a walk or go to a park etc. I feel a bit boring.

Does she mean it like this?

"No problem, let's hold off until after payday, when it will be easier for you and so we will have some more options"

Or does she mean

"Get back to me if you ever have enough money to do something interesting, otherwise forget it"

Have you actually suggested going for a walk in the park to her though ? Or you wanting her to be the one to suggest it ?

I understand both sides having been on both. If she's only got a limited amount of time and or energy and she wants to fill it doing nice things with you I completely understand how it must be frustrating to 'only' go for another coffee. But I also think friends should be able to 'only' go for a coffee and have a nice time. Could you compromise and do a coffee for say a couple of meet ups and then a meal for the next? Or find a day with cheap cinema tickets and try to compromise with the day rather than activity?

Yeah, there's four of us who meet up about once a month and we're meeting next Weds night - I suggested two meeting spots and one replied saying the cheaper one as they'd just had a big expense and two of us simultaneously replied and saying let's picnic in the park (and third probably just hadn't seen the message yet!). Because we want to see our friend, not go out somewhere.

So yeah, I think that's pretty harsh from your friend.

I don't think going for a coffee is a proper catch up. I mean, perhaps a walk and a coffee. Depends where you want to go as well. I used to nurse a coffee for hours sitting at pavement cafes and chatting to friends as a student but spending several hours in a stuffy, noisy Costa or Starbucks with mucky formica tables doesn't really appeal.

I would do, but I wouldn’t be happy about being cancelled on or having plans changed without something happening. If you make plans then you know it’s coming up and unless something unexpected happens you make sure you have the money set aside to cover it.

Isn’t much of a friend

I prefer going for a coffee/ cuppa

going to the cinema because you’re watching a film

not talking catching up with them

She's not your friend. Your friends want to be with you even if you can only afford a coffee or a walk. Chatting, catching up, sharing what's happening in your lives, or talking about nothing and everything is what real frienship is about.

If she can't be bothered to be with you because financially you are going throu a tought time, she is not friend.

Then is she suggesting that rather than doing a weekly coffee you don’t meet as often so that you can save the money for something bigger instead.

A true friend would understand that not having enough money is very stressful and shite and suggest meeting up for a walk with a flask of coffee or inviting you over for a coffee/ offering to bring coffee and cake to you.

Depends on someone's life and other commitments as well. When DDs were small I'd want to make the most of social occasions, have a glass of wine, food etc and make the most of the "time off" as you always have to arrange for someone to be in with the kids at the very least.

Yeah, I agree. It is frustrating being cancelled on, several times, I get that.

So why not do something that doesn't involve spending money?

It also depends on whether the financial situation is a choice or a must.

I mean if I had a friend who cancelled/ changed things because they couldn't afford it, but was doing regular other things I'd regard as a luxury, then I'd assume I was low priority and react accordingly.
If I knew that they'd just lost their job and was having to tighten the belt all round it would be a different matter.

Wait now - are you telling the full story here ? or just snip its
You say in your OP - id have to cancel sometimes
How many times have you cancelled ? How long was these plans made ?
If you are cancelling after making plans etc many a time then i do get why your friend is p off, yes she could have worded her response better,
I am similar i have a strict budget and often have no money a week before pay day but i value my friendships and if we make plans for x dates - i will put money aside for it to ensure i have money.
Yes everyone has different income and priorities , true friends make effort on both sides

A coffee at home would be more comfortable and even cheaper.

Well she could always treat you if she wants to do more than coffee and a walk. A good friend would offer.

They don't sound good friends OP.

My two closest friends are both multi milionaires. Yesterday I went a forest walk with them- not a penny spent.
I know they could both easily afford a lavish evening, but not something we ever do- mostly just a coffee, a walk or a modest lunch. We meet to talk, catch up, sometimes a yoga workshop or similar The most important element is the close supportive communication.

This is what I came to ask.. surely you wouldn't be cancelling, you'd be turning her down in the first place?

Bin her off, she is not your friend.

Yeah, I would feel uncomfortable with that remark but also hate small talk after the initial catch up has happened, maybe that's what it is with her? But I'd also pay for a friend's ticket for the cinema, it wouldn't bother me at all, especially if it was to spend time with her if she's on a tight budget and to do something different. It does seem a shame she's made you feel boring/poor etc. Hope you don't let it affect you too much and that you have others who are happy for walks, etc. I can't even get some of my friends to do that, they seem to need to be attached to their partners 😅

It depends how much you talk about it, I became a pain to my friends in the past by always talking about costs etc. I think friends on different incomes etc can become difficult because sometimes you want to go first a walk but when you’re on mw and turn down everything except for walks while suggesting they’re fine with the cost but you can’t afford it, it must be hard for the other person too

I've got a family member like this, unfortunately some people rely on sympathy to get others to pay for things, she either rolls out the 'oh I would live to, but I just can't afford it'.. or she suggests it knowing she has no intention of paying for herself.

After 3 times in a row of 'meeting up for a coffee' where she told me what she wants then went to sit down making it awkward AF for me to refuse to pay, I stopped agreeing to go out for drinks.

She does have money, she just prefers it when other people pay for her.

id have to cancel sometimes or just suggest going for a drink or something.

This might be the main issue.

If you propose meeting at a park for a walk or going to each other's houses for lunch or other cheap activities and she says No, YANBU. In that situation, you've suggested ways to get together without spending beyond your means.

If, however, she suggests bowling or a meal and you say yes, but later either try to pull back to "just a drink" or cancelling entirely, YABU. You are flaking out because you can't budget or can't say no, and that's incredibly frustrating. In that situation, you're the unreasonable one.

It's hard to socialise regularly when in different economic situations. It's reasonable to stick to what you can afford on the one hand. It's reasonable to not want to eat a Spoons every time on the other.

So many of us have no money right now.
And those who have it, don’t understand.