Friend said she'd prefer to meet when I had more money

[Whatever555]

Had some money issues and on a tight budget, sometimes meet up with an old colleague, sometimes she'd say 'Let's go for food then onto the cinema/theatre/bowling' etc.. id have to cancel sometimes or just suggest going for a drink or something.
She's said 'Let's just leave meeting up until you can do something other than a coffee." I feel embarrassed and guilty- I know she's probably bored of it but surely you're just happy to see your friend? We could do a walk or go to a park etc. I feel a bit boring.

Wow.

Was once down to my last tenner and met a mate then went to hers for a coffee .scoured the charity shops and then went home.
Would hardly call the person you describe a friend op.

There are different sorts of friendships and one sort is enjoying certain activities together. If one of you cannot engage in those activities then maybe the basis for the friendship is gone?

Yeah she sounds like a shit mate TBH! I have friends with differing financial set ups and wouldn’t dream of making them feel like they aren’t worth seeing, we just adapt what we do with no questions asked

She should be pretty ashamed of herself. Sorry op

These people aren't your friends. A friend would be sensitive to your budget, be happy with lunch at your house/a coffee or walk or she could always pay for you sometimes if she has a healthy budget and wants to do something expensive.

isn't it that op is not being unreasonable, how can she be? just for being on a lower income. Selfish "friend" what kind of a person is this "friend" You are 100% NOT UNREASONABLE OP.

You know I'm not wrong 😂 what kind of friend says they don't want to hang out with you because you don't have loads of money?

This is really weird. Does she not like chatting? She’s not really a friend is she. She just wants someone to take with her to the cinema/bowling.

She specifically said she’d prefer to wait until op had more money, so is well aware it’s an affordability issue?

You’re not wrong.

I would respond with ‘Let’s meet up once you have located your manners’

Are you close friends?

I have old friends whom i can sit over a mug of tea to put the worlds to rights with, its a deeper relationship with a long shared history.

Then i have shallower relationships for example with colleagues, neighbours etc, built on common interests and enjoyment - we are more likely to spend time together based on interests - someone will suggest concert tickets or a wine tasting etc. Take the activity away and there's not much substance holding a friendship together.

It sounds like this relationship is the latter?

That can be a friend too just a different level of friend.

I have friends with very different budgets and I adapt accordingly. One is on a very low income so we meet for a stroll and a coffee, she insists on paying for herself mostly but I sometimes try to get there early and order for her. Sometimes she invites me to her house and provides snacks and i would bring a drink for myself. I admit it annoys me sometimes but not as much as it annoys her I'm sure. The thing is she has always been very upfront about it. We talked months ago about a particular thing we wanted to do and weeks in advance she told me it was looking unlikely budget wise. Then told me straight up that she had considered it all and it wasn't going to work for her. She has never agreed to something and then said she hasn't enough this month. She has never cancelled. She will either allocate the money in advance and follow through or say its not an option for her. If she cancelled or messed me around I'd have been annoyed.

I think critical thought is required, the op says she often agrees stuff and cancels or suggests just a drink, so it does sound like this friend has made an effort ro do stuff the op wishes, but it appears this is the norm, and this woman is getting to the stage she wants a friend she can go and do stuff with,

Well there are different types of friends, but real friends are perfectly happy to pop round for a cuppa and a chat whenever money or time is short. Then there are going out friends who really just need a sort of wing man/woman. Both have their place but it tells you which category she's put you in.

Real friendship is about spending time together, not what can be spent. I can understand she’s a bit miffed if you keep cancelling plans but it’s a bit rude to say “I only want to do xyz”

I miss living in an old flat where I used to get posted Wetherspoons discount vouchers. Used to have great nights out in 'spoons with a friend in there using them. Neither of us had a lot at that time. Equally I've had great nights out on expensive cocktails and meals. If she needs you to be spenny with her, she doesn't appreciate you for you. Let her go with some other bum on a seat, while you buy a coffee in the park with a real friend.

She sounds mean. I meet up with friends to chat and connect with them so don't really care too much what we do. Sometimes we just meet up for a coffee or go for a walk. Not every meet up needs to cost a fortune. And if I really want to do something I know my friend can't afford, I'd offer to pay as a treat. I certainly wouldn't let it stand in the way of meeting up.

They don’t sound like great friends op. I have a friend who’s on a limited budget as she’s a single mum of 2 with a big mortgage. So we do cheap stuff (always with a voucher) and because I get the sky cinema tickets I always use them with her rather than H as that way she gets a free night out - and if we want to go to the cinema then we can.

Agree you need to be honest and totally up front though. Maybe they think it’s a choice (like you’re saving for an expensive holiday) rather than a necessity like it sounds it is for you.

This
It’s absolutely not your fault you can’t afford the same things as her. But don’t agree if you can’t follow through

Yes, I think this could be it. I think its perfectly reasonable to say from the get go something is unaffordable, and suggest something cheap or free, but another to change plans or go along with them in a greatly restricted way.
This can put people in an awkward position of wondering if they should offer to sub you and its a bit embarrassing.
Why not reply. "Good idea for the paid for stuff. Happy to meet for a walk or coffee in the meantime if you fancy it" and see what she says.

I think this is horrible for you, OP. Different if you were trying to get her to subsidise you but a coffee or a walk and a good chat is perfect for catching up with a friend.

I understand your friend might enjoy eating out or the theatre or whatever - but its reasonable to indicate that she should do this with other people.

Anyone can find themselves in straightened circumstances and I wouldnt expect my friends to stop seeing me.

Ive got some friends who are much more affluent than me and others who are much less. We all tailor our outings to the purse of the one with the least (unless treating them). This should be normal.

Does she have limited time? Perhaps a busy job or kids? When our kids were young it could be hard getting a night or an afternoon to myself so on the rare occasions I could meet up I’d want to go for a nice lunch or a few cocktails. If this is like your friend’s life I can see why a coffee might not be special enough. Also, when you say you have a limited socialising budget, does that mean you have money but you’re choosing not to spend it on meeting with friends, or do you just not have it at all?

She does sound a bit ‘materialistic’ for want of a better description tbh. Not much of a friend if she only wants to meet and spend money is she? I’d be inclined to suggest taking a picnic somewhere nice if my friend couldn’t afford lunch in a restaurant…..it’s the company and friendship that I would value more than being seen in the right places.