Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

I find it weird he wants you to give him half of your income but I also find it weird you’ve had his child and your money isn’t in a shared pot. Saying that he sounds manipulative and lazy

Do not move to another country and become resident. Your relationship isn’t stable enough and you could end up not being able to move home with your child. Start planning where your life would be most beneficial as a single parent. He sounds like a sponger.

Not read whole thread, but he sounds like a free loading fuck

I hope this is fake. He does nothing. You do everything. He makes a few quid. You bring home the bacon. He wants you to reward him for being a lazy leech. Wtf?

Yes, give him half your salary if he gives you half his savings. Make it fair, no?

Whatever you do, do not move to his country, I’m saying this as someone who did it, had a child, and got trapped. It’s coming up to 30 years now, I made my peace, made the best of it for my child, but it was awful, traumatic, soul breaking. Learn from my mistakes, don’t do it.

Do not move to his country!! So he wants half your wage but wouldn’t support you through maternity leave? No chance!

Do NOT move to his country.
What happens if you separate, and he wants to keep the child? He might, as he’ll have the support of his family.

You won’t be able to take her even on holidays, on your own, without his permission.
I am sorry for saying this, but you’re mad even thinking about moving, and ‘caving in after months of pressure’.

Why is he even so keen? I don’t trust his reasons for finding a job only if you move there. I don’t trust his motives.
Too many stories of gullible women moving to partner’s country of origin, who consequently aren’t able to separate - when things go wrong - as they’d lose their children.

Your first instinct as a mother is to protect your baby, even from her father, if needs be.
Going to live in his country, being near/close his family and extended family, and risking not ever be able to bring her back with you - would be my worst nightmare.
Stupid , stupid decision.

Don’t move to his country , stay where you are.
Don’t give him any money.

How convincing he is now, that you’re even considering that. Imagine when he’s surrounded by his own family .. and it’s you versus them all.
Please use your brain , and your mothering instinct.

He is being very manipulative. He’s playing you, knowing you worry that you’re being “stingy” or mean or whatever. This is just the start, these things can be a slow burner. You need to look for yourself and your daughter. When I was with my highly manipulative ex for years, I thought I could “save” him and be a good mother to our children. Turns out you can’t be both the saviour of these selfish, horrible men, and take good care of your children because men like this only care about themselves. They’re very single minded. That’s not to say I think you’re a bad mum, you’re not, but I do think your daughter will suffer in the future if daddy dearest gets his way. And please don’t move to his home country or probably anywhere else abroad incase you end up trapped there.

Well i dont see how this is mansplaiing and also reverse it how many women expect this when a man earns and they chose not too?

Then it is called 'family money'

He’s taking the absolute piss!!

Imagine someone coming on here and saying they don’t want to work but they also don’t want to be a SAHM either, they just want to sit at home with no kids or work to do and still receive half of the money.

I couldn’t imagine watching my DP working FT and me not even trying to look for work.

I do not care how much someone earns or if they’re currently unemployed but there is something so deeply unattractive about someone who is lazy, has no work ethic and no aspirations.

How would you feel if you saw this man on a dating site?
Most of us would run a mile.

Embrace life as a single mum. Move to the place where that will work best for you.
Cut him loose.
He was managing fine before he leeched onto you. Do not get involved in supporting him at all. That's very important. He will sort himself out once it's his only option. You need to provide for your DD. Not him.

Burnout from travelling ... while you support yourself, your pregnancy carrying his child, burn thru your own savings, moved to his preferred location near his family and now he wants your income, too?

Run

This.

OP - read this carefully and take it on board

No. He has lots of savings. Save your money and put as much as you can spare into pension/investments for you and DC in future. It might be different if you were married, but currently he could walk out, keep all HIS savings and still have benefited from you supporting him, and you wouldn't have a hope of getting any of it back. Plan ahead for a single life financially. If you stay together, you will both benefit from the investments anyhow.

You were expected to live off your savings during Mat leave. He wasn’t going to share half his savings with you. Tell him you cannot share your income, as you need to build up the equivalent of the £££ he has saved…
and possibly rethink this relationship… you have in essence two babies now that need looking after…

Are you being deliberately obtuse? In the same circumstances a woman would be expected to do all the housework, cooking childcare etc, and would not be expected to ring fence very large amounts of savings while refusing to meet her partner halfway as regards where to live etc.

Please don’t move and please don’t ever marry this man.

So: he practically doesn’t work. He doesn’t share housework or childcare. He demands you move to his country. He wants you to pay him half of your income.

OP, don’t be blind!! What on earth are you doing considering his demands as if they’re reasonable?

Couldviy be that you have very low self-esteem, OP? Because otherwise I can’t understand how you don’t see things like the rest of us (200 and counting) do.

Have you double-checked that your work is okay if you are actually based in a different country? My work is fully-remote, but we are not allowed to be based in another country, because then the employer would have to abide by that country's employment regulations (eg maternity entitlements).

I think if he was saying divide the bills so he pays less while he’s out of work, that’s one thing. When I ran out of fully paid maternity leave that’s what my husband and I did- I’d saved some money which paid for food shops, my phone bill and nappies/formula etc but husband paid for everything else. I think that’s fairly normal.

But it sounds like mr burnt out by travel wants half OP’s wages in cold hard cash or bank transfer, even though he’s got plenty of money saved himself already, isn’t doing most
of the childcare (in fact maybe one misread but his contribution seems minimal there too) and isn’t contributing much else in general. That’s a problem whether the sexes are reversed or not imo.

For ‘months of arguments’ l’m reading ‘months of him working on you to wear you down so he gets his way’.

He’s not ‘burned out’, he’s just a lazy cocklodger. His business isn’t working any more and you are the goose that lays the golden eggs. Read back what you’ve posted here, give your head a wobble and ditch him before you find yourself penniless and stranded.

I would absolutely not move countries. You may be stuck there if you split, have you checked the legal stance on custodial arrangements?
You should be saving for yourself, your child and your pension. Absolutely do not give him half, so he can top up his savings more and sit on his ass.
I’d leave him today.

I am glad that you are seeing this situation for what it is, OP.

But this thread is such an interesting example of the sheer power of ‘asking’. Everyone knows the phrase ‘if you don’t ask you don’t get’, but this man is asking for something completely unreasonable! Yet somehow the sheer confidence, nay cheek, of him putting it into words was sufficiently convincing for the OP to actually consider it…

I agree with other posters that he is being ridiculous. Burnout from doing nothing???

I think I might present it to him that you need to focus on your savings to match his. (You do also need to think about your pension pot but stick to what is concrete - savings that he has said he does not want to touch).

Once you have financial security then consider what your next move is. If he can’t see that - do you have a long term future

Have read only the OP’s posts but just wanted to add yet another voice. OMG do not relocate to his country, do not give him half of your income. DO apply for a passport for your little one and put it somewhere safe where he cannot access it, although I very much doubt he would be interested in full time parenting solo in his home country.

Please don't allow this man to mess you around any more than he has already. Don't give him any more of your money and fgs don't move to his home country.