Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

Please prioritise yourself and your child as a single mum. That means being financially stable , having a career , being together ( ie not risking losing your child) and having family support.

The right place for you to be is in your home country with a stable job , building up savings . Travel and holidays are a bonus.

Why on earth would you sacrifice all that so that someone can keep their savings , have their own family and friends nearby and not work.

What have I just read? You’re actually considering giving this parasite of a man half of your wages to do nothing?
Why on earth are you doing all the cooking and cleaning when you’re working the most? why do you think he’s worth more than you?

Please value yourself.

Dump this man. He could never be a SAHD as he’s shown you what would happen- he’d take the money and do nothing.

What you really don't want for your DD is to be stuck in a different country with a miserable mum and an abusive, coercive lazy dad. The fact that he is forcing and pressurising you into capitulating is a big red flag. Do you have family or friends that can help you to stand up to or better still, help you to leave him. Do not give up your job for him, continue to pay the bills proportionately but do not give him half of your wages. To answer your question, no you are not being unreasonable, but you were silly to have a baby with a man who had shown you who he was within a year of meeting. Did you think a baby would suddenly make him change? Either way, don't make things worst by throwing it all away to follow him to another country. If for no other reason than to set an example for your daughter - do you want her to think that this is how women should be treated?

Sure - as long as he signs over half his savings to you, obviously.

For the love of God do not go to his country. Isolated in a foreign country with a man who expects you to do all the work at home and also supply all the money? Fun times.

So he has lots of savings, you have none, you already pay more of the daily expenses, you work more hours and you do all the housework and childcare? And he wants you to GIVE him extra money?

I'd suggest running far and fast.

Also, you have the added issue that as your child gets older this nomadic lifestyle will become more complicated. So if you go to his home country, you are dealing with education and all the rest there too and it will get even harder to assert your independence.

Don't move. Don't make re your child a resident in his country. You will be unable to leave with your child without his permission. It will basically leave you trapped there until your child is an adult.

Don't give him 1/2 of your money. He has 10s of 1000 in savings. He should be using those to pay his way. He didn't want to support you financially when had your/ his baby. He let you whittle down your savings which I'm sure you would have preferred not to spend.

I know you dont want your chikd to grow up in a separated family but whats the alternative? You are already a single parent. You pay for everything. You do everything. He isnt a partner. He's a noose around your neck. He is doing nothing but living off your effort be that at home, at work and financially. What exactly does he bring to the table?

If you go to his country under those terms @mcrlover you will be showing your daughter that women are expected do everything, while serving men who do nothing.

It would be you making every sacrifice while he just stays comfortably where he is, funded by YOUR income.

No, do not split your income with him.

He no longer has his own business, and appears to be struggling to set up another without a partner. Therefore his only option is to find a job and be an employee, like the vast majority of people.

I'm sure he's tired from travelling, but that doesn't mean he can't find a job working for someone else, it doesn't mean he can't do his fair share at home and it definitely doesn't entitle him to half of your salary!!

OP, you need to seriously reconsider your relationship because I don't think your partner has any intention of finding employment. If you give him half your salary, there's zero incentive for him to find a job, any job....and he has little interest in finding a job now!

He has a lot of his own money saved, which he's reluctant to spend. However, he's more than happy to spend half your salary!

Oh for god sake @mcrlover

He saw you coming, didn’t he?

How can you be this naive?!

Just this

I just realised I recognised your username (fellow killjoy)

This is the man who has been pressuring you to allow your FIL unsupervised access to your DC even though he beats his other grandchildren?

You need to get out of this relationship safely and absolutely do not move abroad with him.

No no no! Tell his to get off his backside and get a job.

This.
seriously why would you even consider this ?

I’m all for couples sharing income and all money being family money no matter what gender earns what but this is taking the absolute piss.

Do not move to his home country. Do not give him half of your salary.

Do NOT move to his country. I would honestly consider leaving this sponging loafer

What has he done for you? For your baby? I'm sorry, but if he expects you to jeopardise yours and your child's present and future just so he doesn't have to dip into his savings, then he needs to go. He brings nothing to the relationship other that additional ££££ being spent every month. Leave him. You do not need him (and I honestly question if you even want him).

He wants half your salary because he doesn't want to touch HIS (not shared I note, his) savings.

Well, we'd all like to live that way, sure!

Please extricate yourself and your DD from this scenario. Time to move on.

Tell him to grow up, get a full time job and take responsibility. He doesn't get half your wage just because he doesn't barely work. That's what savings are for, a tide me over when income changes.

If you split up there’s no way he’d fight for custody so you safe on that front. He’s a total dreamer lazy fuckwit. It’s the craziest entitled behaviour I’ve ever read on here.

Neither of your options

IF he has burnout you could support him perhaps IF and only if he is also seeking medical support to get him back on his feet

someone who has self diagnosed burn out and therefore doesn’t contribute to a partnership in any way is a complete loser and not worth your time or money

First things first, stop doing the pointless travelling around, then he cant use the travel burnout excuse. Pick one location and stick with it. Dont give him half your earnings. Hard no. He needs to do the full time parent thing or get a job. If he does neither, time to split.

He’s not burnt out! He’s a lazy sponger!

It’s you who’s had a baby, been working to earn money and doing the lion’s share of childcare by the sounds of it.

Honestly tell him that splitting your salary is not happening and he needs to make a plan to start bringing money in and use his savings in the meantime. Do NOT agree to him being a SAHD because I can guarantee he’ll be shit, and this will justify him asking for more money from you indefinitely.

Honestly I also wouldn’t move to his home country either, go and live near your own family for some support. He still wouldn’t be travelling and at least you’ll get some help.

Since we met, he has still barely earned

So burn out for 4 years? What steps is he taking to recover? How old is he?

As a responsible mum your job is to ensure her security so pay your bills, pay into savings and definitely a pension before considering giving him "spending money".

Good grief is that true about your FIL too? Why an earth would you put your DD through this? And even if it’s a hague convention country his family sound like a nightmare and he’s downright manipulative. Do you really want a situation where if you split up they’ll take you to court to stop you bringing your DD back because she’s settled there/ speaks the language and he (or his mum) is the main caregiver because you’re still having to earn all the money?

Wise up OP.

In your situation I’d send him home and tell him you and DD will join him once he’s got a decent job and a place to live. Which I suspect will be never.

I absolutely would not want him being a FT parent as that could leave OP in a situation where he can legitimately request to be the main resident parent, with OP having to pay him CM.

He needs to be binned asap and I would be distancing myself in every way possible.