Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

It's time for you to pick a place to live for the long term. Somewhere where you can count on being supported and that will provide a good place and circumstances for your child to grow up in.

It sounds like you're living a somewhat nomadic existence. There is a risk that your partner could use the legal system where you are at any one time to "anchor" your child there. You'd be better off choosing where you want to live and where your child will grow up. But you do need to actively make that choice and to make it sooner rather than later.

If you had to live in one country for the next 20 years, where would it be OP?

Also time differences can make remote jobs difficult.

Tax and social insurance can be problematic. Are you sure that you and your daughter are entitled to health care and education on your contributions??

Tell him No but that when you have saved as much as he has saved and also have savings you won't like spending you will look at finance again.
Especially as you are not married equal savings for you are very important.

You’ve hitched your cart to a loser.
Wake up. Quickly.

Omg
How have you sleep walked in to that situation
No
Do not give him half your salary
He's not even doing all the childcare or cleaning at home
He's an absolute waste of space
I bet your already paying more than half of the bills
I'd be leaving and moving home near family asap

You do realise this is financial abuse? And by isolating you and moving you to HIS country, it will become even more abusive.

If he decides to leave your child and move anyway- that would be HIS choice. You have bent over backwards to keep this relationship going and he is just a millstone round your neck

How many women do you know who force their partners to use their savings to get themselves through maternity, decide they’re too burned out to work and as soon as their partner lands a high paying job, demand they pay them half their salary in cold hard cash, while ring fencing their own savings ?

Because:

1. When the woman is a SAHM (which is relatively rare now) she is usually doing all/most of the childcare, housework and life admin. He does none of this other than sorting travel. The OP has to pay for childcare even though dad is not working.

2. If their money was family money then he should also be sharing his savings with OP.

I don't think the OP should suggest either of the above though. He's already proven himself to be lazy. I can see him promising to be a SAHD and then OP coming home to a messy house with her child in front of a screen with a bag of crisps.

@mcrlover you are being financially abused and manipulated. LEAVE NOW AND DO NOT MOVE TO HIS COUNTRY!

your child should NOT see any man treat u this way. He has not taken care of you whilst on mat leave. Has been happy to see your savings dwindle whilst his has been fine. You paid more than u should’ve during maternity. Now he’s asking you give him half whilst he keeps his savings? He doesn’t care about you or your child’s future. And he doesn’t do much cleaning or childcare?????? What on earth op. You’ve really been emotionally manipulated here.

Does he pay much for the trips when you guys go away?

LEAVE HIM NOW

The first posts answer this. Leave, go back to your own family. You and your DC live happily ever after.

Deadbeat dad can use the space to figure out how he can get back into the world of adults and be a father.

No! He didn't give you half his income when you were off work, raising his baby! He expected you to use your savings. Now he is in that position, he should do the same. If he is autistic, I would spell this out to him, along with the fact that he is a shit partner.

If living in England, there are new rules being consulted on which means that even if you aren't married, you will be treated as if you are - based on certain criteria.

Maybe suggest he goes there and gets established with a job, house etc and then once that is done you and baby will join him?

Do not, under any circumstances, move to his home country. If you do, you will eventually be posting one of the many threads about women stuck in their partner’s country because they can’t leave with their child. You will have to suck up whatever relationship issues arise. You will lose control of your life. He will be able to carry on doing what he wants with the backup of his family. Do not let him be a SAHD. If you then split up, you will have handed him the tools to claim he is the primary carer and should stay in the home with your child and receive maintenance from you. He is not going to suddenly step up and be what you want and need him to be, so better to walk away now while you are still indisputably the main carer and while you still have full control over your life.

Let him go to his home country. You move closer to your parents for support and get away from this co trolling abusive man immediately. Do it for your baby and for yourself.

OP. He is definitely manipulating you. The responses are unanimous, but the reason you asked in the first place was that you needed help clarifying what you already knew but didn’t want to acknowledge. You are being manipulated and your mental health, financial health and parental control are at risk. You don’t need to confront him. You do need to keep yours and your child’s passports safe. Ensure he doesn’t have access to your current account or savings account and then take a deep breath. Would it be easier to say “you go home first and have a rest and we will follow”? Would it be less confrontational to say, “you go and find a job in your home country near your parents and baby and I will go home to my home country for a while” and then tell him its over? He is close to getting what he wants which is; to keep his savings, half your salary and to have you and his child effectively trapped in his home country for the next 18 years. That’s a lot for him to lose and I think it could be quite dangerous to just announce all three are NEVER happening, so do think how best to word it. Do you give him half your salary this month and a plane ticket to his home country to recover from the “burnout” and then fly back to your home country and tell him it’s over? Only you know him well enough, but I think even the kindest and most rational of man would feel aggrieved if he suddenly realised all three of his goals were being denied him at once so I would urge caution whilst absolutely agreeing with ever other person on this thread. RUN! As carefully and as fast as you possibly can.

WTAF?! Obviously, you do not give him half your wage, what a insane suggestion. I'm guessing hes not offering you of his savings?! Im glad you've looked into the Hague convention now. Please start prioritising what is best for you, and not this ridiculous leech of a man.

Do you really need to ask if this is reasonable? He’s taking the absolute piss!

He is not a good partner or a father. He made you fund your maternity leave from your own savings and does not want to do a fair share of work (paid or unpaid),

You and your daughter deserve so much more. Posts like this deeply sadden me - not just that men like this exist but that women think this is a “relationship”.

Tell him to behave or fuck off. When he was a higher earner he saved loads which he's been living off yet expecting you to contribute 50%. you're a higher earner he intends to live off you and keep his savings it's not rocket science that is not fair. Tell him your burnt out from giving birth carrying a human being creating a life and he's a piss taking cock lodger. Absolutely disgusting behaviour you should not entertain for a second.

This. Also, many employers do not allow their staff to work from certain countries due to security/GDPR considerations.

This should all be academic anyway, as I think the OP (and she evidently isn't) would be utterly insane to move to this country wherever it is.

God DO NOT MOVE TO HIS COUNTRY.

Where are you now? Somewhere else or your country?

Do not give him any money. At all.

You need to face and accept that your child has a "broken" home. She does not have a good dad, end of conversation, you can't fix that now. Staying won't fix that, it just traps her in it. So you have to work with what you have. He doesn't contribute anything, not practically, not emotionally, not financially. So the only thing he is contributing is a financial cost, a practical cost, and an emotional cost, he is requiring support that could be going to your child, and causing stress that is impacting you and your home.

Best thing for your child is that he trots off home and leaves you to raise your child well.

Worst case, you are trapped in his country, your child is trapped in his country, watching you treat a man like a child for the rest of your life. Monkey see monkey do, don't teach your child this is normal.

He doesn't have burnout, he's lazy. And all these excuses for why he can't run a business, 1. Get a job then just doing the doing part, not hard. 2. He's just incompetent.

Any man that isn't willing to support a woman through maternity leave with HIS baby is no man at all. It's a joke all these men angry at how things should be how they used to be while still not willing to be the providers. They just want to stay little boys with mummy doing everything and giving them pocket money but also having sex with them whenever they want.

There are decent men out there. And even if you don't find one, life as a single mother is so much better than life as a married single mother.

None that's how many I know women don't pull this crap they prioritise their babies in 99.9% of cases

It's not just about money. Is it? If you think it is, you'd be a good partner for what the OP is keeping at home. Get his number.

No way! He uses his savings or gets a job. If he’s a stay at home dad that’s a bit different, but doesn’t sound as if he is when you seem to do almost everything!