Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

What the fuck have I just read!!!! The word COCKLODGER was invented for this absolute waste of space.

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE

Than goodness!

My God you need to dump this lazy loser. Sorry.

Please, read your own post back to yourself as if it was a complete stranger writing it and you were giving advice. Now you know why the replies are unanimous, please leave this man-child for the sake of yourself and your daughter.

I wouldn’t even consider sharing income until you at least have the same amount in savings. Why should he be squirrelling funds away whilst you spend?

Stop telling him how much you earn and how much you have saved for a start. You need financial security for you and your baby and a pension pot for the future. I agree about the running costs in principle but if he’s relying on you doing all the chores etc and asking for half your salary while he sits on his arse thinking ‘poor me, poor me’ all fucking day……..that is unreasonable!

'He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it.'

He can't get a job because looking for a job is a job that he's exhausted from? How exhausting can uploading your CV to Indeed be?

He could get a part time job in Sainsburys or do bar work while he's looking for a job or setting up his own company. That's what anyone with a decent work ethic does, especially when they have children to support.

I wouldn't give him any money for his personal use - what would he need it for, anyway, when he has his own savings?. Everything you are earning should go on household and family stuff.

He has burnout from travelling and working very part time? The poor lamb!
You work and you do majority of the drudge at home, he has thousands in the bank and yet he wants you to share your money and to move closer to his family?
HELL NO!!!!! Do not move with him - tell him he can move if he wants but you’re done with the prick!

This scenario does seem to be all about your DP and his needs? Where is he trying to find balance and meet your needs? I think I would grow to resent this dynamic very quickly….

Ok then think about it this way: you're being "stingy" with your daughter's future by funding her lazy father.

What would happen if you got "burnt out"? Who would take the responsibility to feed, clothe, and house your daughter? Funny that it's seldom mums who get the luxury of being burnt out.

Please tell us you've not only snapped out of the idea of giving him your salary, but also of moving to his country. It's a really bad idea.

WTAF?
No way!
You need to amass some savings too.
He has savings. Tell him to use those in the same way you had to use yours during maternity leave.

I’m really struggling to see how this setup is fair on you. In what world does he think he gets to keep his savings untouched while you drain yours, pay the majority of the bills, do the bulk of the childcare, run the household, and now hand over half your salary too?

That’s not “supporting a partner with burnout” — that’s you being financially exploited while he contributes very little.

Burnout is real, but it doesn’t give someone a free pass to opt out of both earning and domestic responsibilities. Especially not when they still have tens of thousands saved and you’re the one worrying about pensions, childcare costs, and long‑term security.

And the idea that you should move to his home country just to stop arguments? That’s not a joint decision — that’s pressure. You’re allowed to have preferences. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to choose what’s best for your stability and your child’s future.

A major life move shouldn’t be decided because he’s unhappy and you’re trying to keep the peace.

You’re already contributing more financially and doing more of the childcare and housework. Asking you to split your income 50/50 while he keeps his savings and does even less is not co‑parenting — it’s enabling.

And it’s absolutely reasonable to worry that giving him half your salary would remove any motivation he has left to find work or contribute in other ways.

You’re not being stingy. You’re being sensible. You’re thinking about your child’s future, your pension, and your long‑term stability. That’s what responsible adults do.

Do not move to another country, do not marry this absolute loser, do not give him a penny of your money.
You are in a financially abusive relationship.

Hes a full CF. If 50:50 is fair are you getting half his savings in exchange for half your monthly pay?

If youre the earner and hes the house spouse is he going to take on the majority of chores planning and childcare?

Because if hes not offering that hes not asking to share hes asking to take

Listen to your gut on this one. He is only thinking of himself here.

Don’t know if anyone else has suggested it but try offering to pay for talking therapy to help tackle his burn out.

I feel like his reaction to the idea would tell you a great deal.

Don’t move with this man!

He sounds like the epitome of patriarchal entitlement.

You move to somewhere you don’t want to live so he can have more support (and you less).
You do the bulk of the domestic labour so he can rest, leading you down the path towards burnout.
You provide the financial security putting extra pressure on you, while he rests.
You pay for him to live the life he wants, diminishing your chance to save for the future, while he maintains a nice nest egg.

Wow. The entitlement in that is astonishing. What makes him so special that his “needs” trump yours and your children’s?

OP, if you pay me half your salary, I’ll look after your kids, clean your house and cook you amazing food. You can just focus on your work and enjoying your free time however you want. And you won’t need to sleep with me. You won’t have to listen to me snore and fart all night. You won’t need to wipe my wee of the loo seat. You won’t have to listen to me talk endlessly about myself and my needs. You won’t need to manage my moods or guard against me coercing you into decisions that are not good for you. Deal?

But seriously, I’m so glad this thread has helped you to hold strong against his coercion and lack of consideration for you.

Take a look at Dr Ramani on You Tube. You may have a narcissist on your hands. He sounds incredibly entitled and self centred.

He can pay for that from his tens of thousands of savings! His mental health is his to take care of. The OPs mental health is going to deteriorate fast if this leech keeps draining her resources in the numerous ways he has, is and wants to.

Oh lawd no, I can't imagine in what world this would be reasonable. You had to burn through your savings in your maternity leave, how is it reasonable for you to now share your income in that way, unless of course he does become a stay at home dad. But since when you were a stay at home mum he gave you nothing him asking for this still seems bonkers.

Saving for a rainy day and your pension should not be considered and option it's an absolute necessity and if you have no pension now you must get that in order before you start giving money away so freely.

@mcrlover - sorry to say that the fact you had to come here to ask this, shows how much you need to get out of this mindset. You appear to do everything, and a lazy bum of a partner not only does fuck all, but wants half your money? And you're not even married? What the actual fuck.

This man needs a wake up call, a major one. Mental health issues aside - the bills still need paying, the cleaning still needs doing, life does not get to be put on hold.

Cleaning, and simple chores would be excellent therapy for someone with burnout (whatever that is). Shopping and taking the baby for walks would get him used to conversation and meeting people.
As you describe though he is lazy and a scrounger.
If you go to his home country you will be a nobody with no standing and subject to the rules of his family.
Here you have security.

Congratulations 🥂 OP, you got pregnant by a cocklodger.

YANBU, don’t give him the money 💰 if you split will he claim he’s the primary care giver?

Maybe an idea to look a little further into what he did before you met?

Because you have been moving around it's easier for someone to hide his past.

Maybe he has a history of burn out.

Have you met his family and his friends?

Seen proof that he was operating a legitimate business. Companies house has his accounts? Does he come from a country that women are treated fairly.
Previous partners.

One of my friends hired someone to look into a potential husbands past when his hair piece 'fell off' one day. He was from another country and told her he just 'hated his hair being touched'. Flash lifestyle. It was more than his hair that was fake.

Tell him to split his savings with you