Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

FFS dont go to his home country! This sounds toxic. Imagine what you would think if another woman wrote this on here? You would think she was nuts, he wants half your money even though he has savings and cant fucking work??? He will break you down bit by bit financially and emotionally. LTB

Your post reveals too many negatives. Positives are that you are not married and haven't moved despite his constant arguments, probably whilst you were in a vulnerable state from working as well as doing the domestic chores, which have worn you down. Also of course your hormones will be keeping you passive, which is the norm after having a baby, to ensure you can cope with looking after an infant; the hormones are not there to keep you compliant to an arch manipulator. Don't fall for the shy introverted scam; he's isolating you and keeping others away from your relationship. Also you dealing with a job as well as most of the domestic responsibilies gives you little time to just sit and think this all out clearly. Once back in the bosom of his family, you'll be even more at a disadvantage, and depending on the country, possibly under the threat that he and/or his family can take your child, to keep you in check. Try and think this through. Would you ever have agreed to go to his country to live before you had your child? If someone you knew told you this scenario, what would be your advice? My advice is to get out of this relationship asap; your child will thank you as this man is thinking of himself first and foremost.

DUMP!

Further to my earlier post. He's been draining you of your savings, so are you in a position to easily leave? Maybe get a family member out to you, to support you and ensure you are able to leave easily. Definitely keep an eye on passports and bank accounts, and possibly put them in a safe deposit, that he's unaware of. I'm actually concerned for you as he may turn on you.

Don’t move to his country.
Don’t marry him.
Don’t give him any money. What’s yours is ours but what’s mine is my own

Do invest in a pension for yourself and your child’s future.

I'm still in the hippy mind set Op cos it's the age I am.

No need for a man who doesn't pull his weight.
Solo mum. Much better.

You're in an abusive relationship OP. Coercive control. That's exactly what he's done in banging on endlessly until you caved and agreed to what he wanted, to move to his home country.

Do not move to his home country.

Do not let him pretend to be SAHD (especially whilst in reality you still do it all). It'll give him RP status and you'll end up seeing your DC EOW and paying maintenance when you inevitably split after you can't take any more.

"Doesn't want to spend his savings"??? What, you mean like you'd have preferred not to spend yours?! Your maternity wasn't yours to fund, it was both yours because the DC is his too. He's already ripped you off and is still doing so because you're paying all childcare.

He's a cocklodger OP. If he's autistic he may well be burned out, but that's not excuse for the way he's behaving. And "if" doesn't cut it. He'd need a diagnosis of autism and a doctor saying he's burnt out before I'd believe it.

If your DD is heartbroken it'll be because her dad is a loser who doesn't put her first. If he goes back to his home country that's him breaking up the family and causing heartbreak, not you.

You're overestimating the heartbreak element too OP. DC need love and care, not loser parents who CBA with them and aren't willing to put them first, which is what he is. It's no loss if he's not in her life.

If you make yourself miserable by remaining in this abusive relationship, isolated from your own support network and trapped forever in a country you don't want to live in and which is not your own, that'll be far more heartbreaking for DD because then she'll have two parents who aren't happy. She'll grow up in an abusive household where her mother is under the thumb. She'll think that's normal and acceptable and has a higher chance of ending up in a similar relationship herself.

Your decision to stay with him is what's going to ruin her life, not splitting up and giving her a decent home with you. If he ever steps up and gives her something approaching a decent home too then she'll benefit from being involved with both cultures, but I suspect he'll just quietly fade out from her life like so many selfish men, who are incapable of putting another person before themselves and so shouldn't have ever had children.

Eh? Please don't gaslight yourself. This is ridiculous - why the hell should you give him half your income? If he is doing all the childcare (is he?) you should discuss how he is compensated for doing your share that he is picking up, but half your income? doesn't want to dip into his savings? why his burnout your problem? The entitlement of some men, really, is just gobsmacking!

So happy to read this OP. He will probably try to make you change your mind using his same approach as before but you have made good decisions now so keep working towarda them Your family will be happy to have you back near them

LMFAO. Burnout from being on permanent holiday?!?! What a fucking chancer. Tell him to do one.

PLEASE do NOT move to his home country. You have your job, family, security in your own country. And you have your baby to look after. If he really needs to go to his parents to help him sort himself out (Jesus) then let him go alone. You should absolutely NOT burn your boats.

Jeezo, he is the cheekiest fucker of all cheeky fuckers!!! Well done OP for now seeing him for what he is.

OP, with such a leach I would be encouraging him to return home.
In his absence, move home.
I think you should reach out to Women's aid.
You are being abused.

Boiled frog analogy applying here as you now realise.

This x 💯

@mcrlover

He sounds like a useless, lazy, pointless, manipulative twat - do not give him half of your very hard earned salary to continue to be!!!!

What do you even gain from being with him? I’d definitely not uproot my life & move for him - I’d be leaving him ASAP!!!!

My ex was like this. Burned out and resigned due to bullying supposedly so I kept us whilst being pregnant fully expecting him to keep us for 6 months once the baby was born. Did he? No. He did nothing at all and he was surprised when I ended it. His lack of pride to this day, decades later makes me feel sick.

Do not give him a penny and make it very clear neither is he a sahp. And leave.

He’s asked you say absolutely fucking no he has his own money and the ability to earn more he’s choosing not to. Don’t marry him or have any more kids and watch finances and how he treats you closely he sound like a cockloger. Is he actually financially supporting the child or is that on you? He’s absolutely taking you for a ride and manipulating you! I would probably just leave him go live by your family. You only get 1 life!

@mcrlover Good for you! I’m delighted to see that you’ve now seen your situation clearly. You’re absolutely right in saying that you’ve been like a wee frog not realising you’re being boiled alive. Stay strong and stick to your guns. You are doing the best thing possible for you and for your DD. Fantastic news!

Please, please, please do not go to his country. Do not marry him. Do not give him half your salary. Do not give your child his last name.
What have your family said about this? Have you asked them for advice? If not, is it because you know what they would say and you know they are right.
Single parenthood is not easy, but don’t compound your first mistake (entering a relationship with a cockloger) by staying with him. You sound amazing - start believing it and take action accordingly.

Sorry, I just read your update. I was so incensed that I lept straight in without checking the whole thread.

You have 100% done the right thing for you and your baby.

Wow. Be very careful. He sounds manipulative.

You are not the one putting your daughter through anything.
He's sat on thousands of £££, you have used all of your savings on the maternity leave. He didn't want to use his savings to help fund the maternity care for his child. Now he's demanding half your hard earned salary. Whilst he sits on his lazy arse, doing zilch, no contribution financially nor domesticly.

You agreed to move to his home country because he moaned and whined for months, until he coerced you to agree.

You are already being financially abused and if you move and are totally isolated and dependent on him and his family.
Do not move with him. If he wants to be with you and the child, he'll follow you.

This man is not contributing as a partner nor father. He's a leech.

You and your daughter will certainly be massively better off without him.

I hope your future is easier than your present. 💐

Apologies for not RTFT but this is super simple. You agree to consider pooling finances at the point you have saved the same as him. How many years will it take to save tens of £k to match his? Do NOT sub him while he has money. And he should be doing way more than half the drudge stuff too.

One good option would be for you to automatically put 2/3 of your wage into a personal pension, then it is locked away.

Depends. If you need it during the life of this government. They want 40% of it alive or dead come next year.