Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

You have 1 child who you are responsible for. You don't need a second man child !
Decide where YOU want to live and go there - make a secure life for you and your baby. You need to put spare cash into your pension and savings not support mr burned out freeloader.

Oops hadn't read your update OP but well done. Life may turn out differently to how you thought it might but you and your baby will be fine together.

You have a cocklodger. You would be better off without the lazy sponge

Well done op.

shows who if he as well if he was only recently wanting you give up half your income and move to his home country yet he is having doubt about the relationship. What a trap. Set himself up as the sahd in his home country reliant on your money meaning you could never leave with your child.

So while you were on mat leave you lived off your savings while he had thousands in savings in the bank & now he wants you to half your income with him without him using ay of his savings? Sorry but that wouldn't be happening if it was me in that situation. Ask him to use his savings until he gets a job. It might spur him on to actually look for one if he thinks he wont have money in the bank anymore.

This.

You are now moving from being in a relationship to being separated parents and him being a potentially hostile ex.

He may turn out to be lovely and reasonable and a great co-parent. He may even come back and want to resume the relationship on a new and more equal footing.
But don't count on it. You have to prepare for the worst, just in case.

The worst would be that he applies for passports for the DC, then takes them to 'have a holiday with his family' and then doesn't return them.

Funny how his doubts about the relationship are mentioned when you withhold £££!

@mcrlover I hope you are taking the advice about removing your and your child's passports from the home. If your child doesn't have one, apply yourself, please.

He can still do some nasty crap if he decides it behooves his bottom line.

Update: DP wasn't even bothered about the money side - he hasn't argued back about this. But he's really stuck about the living location aspect. Says he finds where we live mainly now really hard - hasn't learned the language, hasn't made many friends, and feels lonely and isolated there. He says the idea of moving to my home country is overwhelming, the thought of having to start again and find a whole new friendship/support network from scratch. Wants us to move to his home town so that he doesn't need to do that (while clearly not factoring in that it means I would need to do that, and I'm not fluent in his home town language).

I proposed we live in different countries and he comes to visit us 1 week every month, he said it breaks his heart the thought of seeing DD so little, especially because at this age she changes so much over a month and he doesn't want to miss it.

Don't worry, the passports are safe. I'm also very close with his family and if, in the unlikely event, he did try to take DD to his home country without my permission I'd only need to say to his family that and they'd tell him to bring her back. His SIL is a very decent person and he respects what she says.

I told him he needs to take some time to come to terms with me and DD not moving to his home country, and come up with some options for us to discuss and decide

So the upshot is that you’ve been ‘travelling’ so much that you’ve each failed to put down proper roots and establish a settled life for yourselves?
That’s a bit of a pickle you’ve got yourselves into!

I would try and move to the country you actually want to be in and then leave him, he will get a job (or another woman to cock lodge) when he is homeless.
why shouldn’t he live off savings when you did when you were pregnant. Just find a way to get back to your country legally before you breakup or he will trap you and baby there.
also stop doing any chores for him he should do them all.

And if he's 'having doubts about the relationship', where would that leave YOU if you moved to his home country and he decided the relationship was over?

We have been living in my dream country for around 3 years already, but travelling to each of our home towns periodically to visit each others' families. But he doesn't speak the language very well and has been saying for a few months that he doesn't like it there - I love it there. We have bought a property there, my business is set up there. He never really actively committed, and even was pretending to himself that he doesnt live there even though most of the time is spent there, when we aren't visiting family (which is often).

My ideal is continuing to live there, while spending summer holidays back in our hometowns visiting family (ie not flying back and forth so often) - he also wants to stop travelling back and forth so often, but to change the base to his home country.

He must have you spellbound. He has a lot of money in savings make him spend it on paying his half. The money you earn should pay your half then save the rest for you and baby. He is the stingy one not you. You work, do all household chores and look after the baby while he only works very part time. If you give him half houroney he will stop working altogether. He needs to get a job. Make him dip into his savings until he gets a job. Don't give him your money. You are not married and he didn't even support you when you were on maternity leave. He is a rubbish partner. I'd bin him off and come back to live near to your family with your baby. As you are not married I don't think he can stop you but you can always say you are going for a visit but then don't go back.

Thanks, totally agree about the money- I've told him that about using his savings while he finds a job.

If me and DD were to move back to my home country we would need his permission, or else the Hague Convention for child abduction would apply. He is named on DD's birth certificate and DD has both our surnames

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare.

If he loves his dd so much, time to tell him he will be seeing her parttime no matter what country he lives in unless he starts doing his share of the cooking and cleaning and organising. You’re a busy working mum and you don’t run a free hotel.

So stay in the country you are in, which you love, and in which you have a property and a business.

@mcrlover

If me and DD were to move back to my home country we would need his permission, or else the Hague Convention for child abduction would apply. He is named on DD's birth certificate and DD has both our surnames

I wonder though if he moves to his country and you remain in current country if after a time, since he is not living in current country, you'd be able to petition to move with her to your country. If a court order may be possible over his objections I think it'd be worth exploring. I mean, how can he object to her moving from a country he's not even living in?

Frankly, I'd seek legal advice on that and if it turns out to be likely, I'd be encouraging him to go and just keep quiet about any plans to move 'home'.

And 100% right on about the money.

You have a business set up?
don't move for this guy who may never be well enough/willing enough to make a living!
What if you aren't able to re-establish in some new country, now that you'll also have a child to care for? Stay where you are,op

He has got one he'll of a nerve! No way!! He can't be arsed working then he lives off his savings. Bills should be split 50/50 even if he has to use his savings. I'm sorry but I couldn't even stay with a man who has made this suggestion. In fact he is not a man he is a cheeky, lazy cock lodger!! He wont change either. You have got everything going for you, leave the lower and dont look back!