Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

So when you were on maternity with your shared child your 50% of all costs had to come out of your savings.

But now that he isn’t working, his savings are to remain untouched and you have to subsidise his life?

Erm No.

Glad you've seen sense OP! I could hardly believe what I was reading.
Just be careful when you tell him, he may react angrily or even violently.
He sounds controlling and you have woken up to this and he won't take kindly to the sudden loss of control.

Also, prepare yourself for the predictable pattern that will follow you telling him. Once you think through what his reaction is going to be over the next few weeks, you will be much better prepared to deal with it maturely. You can read up on Mumsnet what he will do and then you will recognise it for what it is.

Tell him to spend his own bloody savings.
Dont marry him and definatly dont let him persude you to move to his country you will have major problems and will not be able to take your child back home once there.
Good luck

Absolutely do not do this. Do not do it.

People who like to manipulate people get VERY good at it. HE is very good at it and you need to smarten up before it's too late. He doesn't have burnout. He's a cocklodger/CFer who feels he found the perfect patsy.

You need to get your life back. He wants YOU poor while he keeps 10Ks in savings for himself? Has you move to HIS country where you have less rights and cannot move home if unhappy?

He is taking the piss and you are being a doormat. Please stop and think of you and your child first, second and last.

Edited as I read you are waking up to his manupulations. PLEASE stay strong! I think you have people worried in several countries! I am across the pond and cold dread for you and your wee one crept up my neck.

I love the idea of you moving back to your UK hometown if he goes back to his country. The support would be invaluable and your family could spend time with your child. 😍💖

She HAS a job. A GOOD job. HE is a cocklodger with more excuses to not work than there are footballs in the whole of the UK.

The only solution is to refuse to move to his country and refuse to give him a penny. Let HIM move home and cure his "burnout" and OP can move to her UK hometown and have a beautiful life.

There is nothing to work on.

I admit to being worried still about OP and her child.

He isn't going to like hearing "No", because he thinks he should be able to control everything and everybody.

@mcrlover needs to stay strong and get help if necessary from her family and friends.