Social conventions you thought everyone knew

[Asuperblyfeauturedroomandexcellentboiledpotatoes]

The thread started by the lady who's father recently died and people turned up to his funeral in joggers got me thinking.
What is something you thought was basic social etiquette, a rule that everyone lived by, that you were shocked/surprised to see someone not following?
Did it make you judge the person? Wonder if maybe you're just old fashioned? Or something else?

I'll start. At work the other day someone said they were leaving early because they had a hospital appointment. A younger colleague said "oh, what for?". It felt very awkward and the colleague said "oh.. you know, just women's stuff".
I always thought that you never ever ask people for details of medical appointments or why they were off or what OP they are having. It's very rude. Same as you don't ask people how much they earn or who they are going to vote for or questions about their sex life or something!
At first I judged but then remembered she was young and maybe noone had told her.

What's surprised you lately?

Someone has tried to do this to me in my own home. I politely told them to sit down and I would clear away when I had finished eating.

My elderly mum is a notoriously slow eater and waiting staff always try to take mine and my husbands plates away before she has finished. They are put straight, but they should be taught that this is ill mannered behaviour, not 'you should clear plates ASAP', even if everyone hasn't finished. For those of you who do this, please stop, especially in a professional capacity. My FIL used to hover above me waiting for me to finish a hot drink. It used to take me longer than usual.

I’ve experienced groups of friends doing it too. About 6 of them all across the pavement, me on my own coming the other way. I maintained my course and when one of them walked into me rather than move to allow some space, she acted most indignant! She got a mouthful.

We do this at home, but we also all say, "Please start - don't wait for your food to get cold" so I can also see how it's confusing for people with different backgrounds!

You’re more likely to get food poisoning as you splatter there bacteria pre cooking without knowing and it does nothing anyway.

What's the point of eating together if one person is going to stuff their face before the other has even sat down? It's so unsociable and rude and thoughtless. Like watching ahead without your partner when you have been watching a series together. Or switching on the movie you are planning to watch together and watching the beginning without you, or going ahead on a walk because you've stopped to tie your laces.

Food shouldn't go cold because your host or the other person you are eating with should also be polite. They should get to the table as soon as possible, or plan the meal well enough that everyone is served very close together, or they should recognise that they are late to the table and tell everyone to start without them. In which case, it would be fine to start.

If everyone has good manners, everyone is much happier and things are smoother.

It's not useless as a scoop if you learn how to use it properly. It IS designed to be used as one, hence the thicker tine. It's useless to spear or balance peas/rice etc.

I was taught how to scoop with a fork without thrusting my elbows out by the simple matter of easily changing my grip whilst eating. I don't have to swap hands American style, either.

I'm baffled by the number of people who can't use a fork to scoop up remnant of food/peas etc without elbows akimbo whilst retaining the fork in the original hand. If you are eating like a toddler whilst scooping with a fork, nobody has taught you how to eat properly with it.

If you give a host a present such as a bottle of wine and it isn't opened (because they have bought wine more suitable for the food being served) you don't ask for it back at the end of the evening. A friend's new boyfriend did this to us. So embarrassed for her!

When eating in a group, helping yourself to more food from the table, without also asking if anyone else wants any.

I know people who will just help themselves and not ask .. sometimes even finish it off without asking if anyone else wants any!

That feels rude too, and agree with the not starting until everyone has their plate of food in front of them.

Both show consideration to others that seems to be more and more lacking in this world.

The saying where there's a will there's a way is referring to willpower (you can get anything done if you try) and nothing to do with last will and testament.

There's been a bereavement in my family recently and it's interesting to me that some people won't acknowledge it unless I bring it up. I would always send a card or message saying sorry for your loss but a few people in my life haven't said anything, messaged/chatted to me about other things and when I've said "well I'm feeling a bit sad actually" then they say oh I heard about that but didn't want to bring it up in case it upset you. I have found that really strange.

I can't speak authoritatively about British etiquette, but Italian family members are adamant that it is rude to use a knife when eating pasta. They'd be mortified if you held a knife in your hand the whole time you were eating a pasta dish.

I have had a secondary student turn up with parents for parents' evening and sit sulking with her hood up. I just wouldn't allow my DC to do that!

Ironically, I find it rude to expect that from your loved ones

This reminds me of a friend I used to meet up for occasionally for lunch. We would agree a time and very often she would be late - by as much as 40 minutes or so - blaming traffic. She always expressed surprise that I had waited for her and not ordered. One time I was the one who was late - I can't remember why now, but I rushed in half an hour late full of apologies and she was on her dessert! It just felt really odd eating my meal on my own while she waited - I felt a bit silly tbh. She just didn't see a problem. Why bother to meet up for lunch if you're not actually going to have lunch together?

This has reminded me of something caused me great confusion when I moved to the UK. Hearing kids say, "Can I get down from the table?" I was always temporarily taken aback, as I had a mental image on them sitting on the table, not on their chairs. Like you, we always had to ask if we could leave the table....

Agreed, as a woman of large bust a napkin in my lap is useless.

CrazyMidget · Today 09:15
ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · Today 08:28
Very much so. Lots of them are arbitrary.
Don’t talk with your mouth full makes sense, but ‘elbows on the table’ is meaningless.
Show quote history
I think the elbow thing is because it takes up more horizontal space, which might be uncomfortable for anyone next to you, and also you're more likely to knock something over - possibly spilling on to someone else.
These conventions often have reasons behind them.

I agree that the elbow rule DOES have a point, but you can use your discretion. It's basically about not cutting off other people beside you from any conversation or interaction, which it can do - I've been on the receiving end!

If it's a couple, or even four people at each side of a table, there's no problem. If you're sitting at a long table it's rude to lean forward, take over the table with your elbows and effectively 'elbow out' your neighbours.

Like most manners - it comes down to consideration and sensitivity to others.

I sympathise, I grew up in a family where there was no privacy. Learned the hard way too that actually it’s not acceptable to go into other people’s houses and take cards off the mantelpiece and read them.

Those people 100% forgot and tried to cover up the fact they forgot by pretending they didn't want to bring it up.

‘I eat my peas with honey,
I've done it all my life
It makes them taste quite funny
But it keeps them on my knife!’

Oh, yes, I was thinking of this one, and 'Couple's entitlement' more generally.

@CoffeeCantata @CrazyMidget no elbows on the table comes from the medieval period when they used trestle tables, which were basically a board propped on legs, not attached. Put your elbows on the table and you flip it and everything on it, over. I learned this doing living history. Every now and then a parent would sit their child on the edge of a trestle table and get sniffy when I explained that it wasn’t safe, until I showed them how it was constructed.

Oh thank you. I had this and could not believe what she was saying. They came with white wine. I already had plenty of but chilled. So I served mine. Her reason for asking for it back was because I had not used it. Totally missed the gesture and point of bringing it. Which is as a ‘thankyou’ for hosting.

Er, I think the whole world would find it rude to have someone point with their toes. I don't think it's just Asia.

My late df was big on etiquette - the eating soup away from you was one of his many many rules. I can’t quite remember the details now but I remember lectures on passing the port, the correct way to raise toasts, when to stand and not to stand during formal dinners etc. I also have a vivid memory of him telling me off once for holding my toast (as in hot bread!) wrong!

He sounds awful reading that but he was actually the best df and I still miss him :(.